Friday, July 27, 2007

Back to Day 1

(SI trigger warning) Twenty three long days down the drain. Back to square one, day one. Damnittoallhell.

I've been so tempted for 2 days now. I had to work late Wed. It worked out well because I got home and had to take a really quick shower (highest temptaton comes here) and do some more work from home. Then went to bed and Husband was already in bed. Tonight I had some work to do late. But really it could have waited or been done from home. I didn't want to come home though. Husband and I are walking on edge around each other. And I knew that at home was my pretty purple case. So I worked late. Got home about 9 pm. Then I realized something. On Wed. I came home well after Daughter was in bed. She was sort of awake so I snuggled with her a few moments. This morning (Thurs) we overslept and were rushing in the car. Then she was in bed when I got home this morn. So anyway, my plan was to get up tomorrow and hit the gym and shower there. But Husband tells me he leaving for his parents tomorrow straight from picking her up at daycare and won't be back till late Saturday. So that means I wouldn't see her tomorrow or really Saturday since she'd likely be asleep or almost when he got home. That was too long for me. I decided to skip working out tomorrow so I could see her in the morning and take her to daycare. Spend some time with her. But, that meant I would shower tonight. Bad move. I knew better. I knew when I walked in to shower what I would do. I prayed for the strength to resist. I cried wanting to resist. But I couldn't or didn't.

Why? Over vacation my Husband got his feelings hurt because he apparently expected us to sleep together on vacation, especially as it was his birthday week and our anniversary. I just find that too triggering lately. Have for awhile. After a huge fight in which we both said some pretty nasty things, he wrote me a letter in which he said that he felt like there was something wrong with him - that I wasn't attracted to him. That's not the case, but I don't know how to explain it to him because I don't know how to talk about it without triggering myself. I tried to write him a letter just to tell him that it's me - not him. I'm not rejecting him. I don't want his feelings to be hurt. But I couldn't write it. I just couldn't get the words to come out.

So Husband and I have been tip-toeing around each other for days. Tonight is four nights where there has been no good night kiss and no praying together before bed. When we talk on the phone there is no "I love you" before we hang up. Once again I am pushing someone away because I'm too afraid, to chickenshit to say what I feel (figure out what I feel first and then say it). So I turned all that anger inside and cut myself. It doesn't make the hurt on him any less but I felt like I needed to punish myself.

I could have - should have - asked for help. I spoke to three people today that I know would have listened and tried to help. But I couldn't tell them how I was feeling because I didn't know why I felt that way. I'm afraid to disclose how I feel if I don't know WHY I feel that way. I'm afraid I'll be told "you shouldn't feel like that" or "that is crazy" or "you don't have any reason to feel that way" or "get over it." So instead I say nothing and just suffer in silence. I'm such an idiot sometimes........


Beauty said...

Oh Enola,

I'm so sorry that you felt the need to cut . . . but you're not an idiot, by any means.

Listen, there were plenty of times during my marriages (I didn't know about my DID way back then) when I just couldn't handle sexual or romantic intimacy. My last relationship (9 years ago) was somehow the worst. This person just would not leave me alone--he was too insecure--and, like you, I didn't know why I felt as I did.

Have you tried explaining to your hubby what you said in your post, that it's hard for you to reach out for help when you don't know why you feel as you do?

Does he know about the cutting?

My heart goes out to you. I know how hard relationships are, period. Add something like DID and it's like walking around trying to dodge land mines.

Hang in there, and don't forget that you can tell God anything. He already knows exactly how you feel and WHY you feel as you do.


Lynn said...

"I'm afraid I'll be told "you shouldn't feel like that" or "that is crazy" or "you don't have any reason to feel that way" or "get over it." So instead I say nothing and just suffer in silence."

You are far from an idiot, Enola. You have learned from experience. I'm pretty sure I read in here once the words of your mother: "You're making too much of this." How dare she say that to you? Her husband molested you!!

Enola, when we were disbelieved, belittled or chastised for our feelings, that really cut into our ability to communicate. And this message came from such a powerful source! Are you still protecting her, Enola? Maybe you can write her a letter. You don't have to send it. I know it's hard because she's your mom, but maybe you can express your feelings about only that specific thing ("You're making too much of this.") if it causes you problems to write something that would feel like a blanket judgement.

I know how it feels, Enola. It sucks.

I'm not sure if I should say this next part. I know everyone is different, so if this upsets you, please ignore it and know that I understand. I haven't hurt myself in a while now. I think things started to change when I was talking with my therapist one night when I was in a HUGE amount of emotional pain. I called him and I was very, very distraught. He was really nice about the whole thing and he asked me where I was in the house, what I was doing and how I had tried to soothe myself. Well... I told him what I had done. And he said something like, "But you already have so much suffering..." He sounded almost like he might cry himself. That made me feel something funny in my chest, like... I can't explain it... but I felt for myself, if that makes any sense. A slow realization began to creep in after that. I have been hurt so much... and I took over the job myself when the abusers were gone. I was hurting myself and it seemed so unfair. The next time I felt desperate to control my feelings and felt like resorting to that, I heard my therapist's voice and I felt that feeling for myself that he felt for me first. I couldn't do it. I couldn't hurt myself. I couldn't do it because... I think it would please my abusers and I don't want to be on their side anymore. I need to be on my side. I don't know if this can help you, Enola. But I feel for you. You don't deserve to be hurt. Having said that... I know. I KNOW and this is not meant to shame you or judge you. There has been enough of that, too. I just want to say that I FEEL WITH YOU. I know it hurts. I wish I could come over there and give you a big hug. Hang on, Enola. Someday, somehow, we're going to be okay.

jumpinginpuddles said...

you know what your blog has helped us to know we arent alone for tonight for the first tiem in nearly two months we are feeling it close.
We are the same the shame meakes us say get it over and doen with it wiull get better the truth is thats a lie maybe you blog cna stop them and get us some help thanks

Enola said...

Thank you thank you for your wonderful comments. You all (and especially Lynn) have given me much to think about it.


Tina said...

I am so sorry that I haven't been around enough to try to help you - or give you some things to ponder. Kinda drowning in my own crap right now, and having a hard time digging out.

I pray that you and your DH can find some way to communicate - you being able to tell him what you feel, and him understanding what you mean.

You aren't crazy... You do have a reason to feel the way you do... You can't just get over it... When you can accept that for yourself - that you are justified in how you feel and react, maybe then you can start being honest with your feelings and be able to express them.

Thinking of you...even if I can't get on to check up on you.