I've been so tempted for 2 days now. I had to work late Wed. It worked out well because I got home and had to take a really quick shower (highest temptaton comes here) and do some more work from home. Then went to bed and Husband was already in bed. Tonight I had some work to do late. But really it could have waited or been done from home. I didn't want to come home though. Husband and I are walking on edge around each other. And I knew that at home was my pretty purple case. So I worked late. Got home about 9 pm. Then I realized something. On Wed. I came home well after Daughter was in bed. She was sort of awake so I snuggled with her a few moments. This morning (Thurs) we overslept and were rushing in the car. Then she was in bed when I got home this morn. So anyway, my plan was to get up tomorrow and hit the gym and shower there. But Husband tells me he leaving for his parents tomorrow straight from picking her up at daycare and won't be back till late Saturday. So that means I wouldn't see her tomorrow or really Saturday since she'd likely be asleep or almost when he got home. That was too long for me. I decided to skip working out tomorrow so I could see her in the morning and take her to daycare. Spend some time with her. But, that meant I would shower tonight. Bad move. I knew better. I knew when I walked in to shower what I would do. I prayed for the strength to resist. I cried wanting to resist. But I couldn't or didn't.
Why? Over vacation my Husband got his feelings hurt because he apparently expected us to sleep together on vacation, especially as it was his birthday week and our anniversary. I just find that too triggering lately. Have for awhile. After a huge fight in which we both said some pretty nasty things, he wrote me a letter in which he said that he felt like there was something wrong with him - that I wasn't attracted to him. That's not the case, but I don't know how to explain it to him because I don't know how to talk about it without triggering myself. I tried to write him a letter just to tell him that it's me - not him. I'm not rejecting him. I don't want his feelings to be hurt. But I couldn't write it. I just couldn't get the words to come out.
So Husband and I have been tip-toeing around each other for days. Tonight is four nights where there has been no good night kiss and no praying together before bed. When we talk on the phone there is no "I love you" before we hang up. Once again I am pushing someone away because I'm too afraid, to chickenshit to say what I feel (figure out what I feel first and then say it). So I turned all that anger inside and cut myself. It doesn't make the hurt on him any less but I felt like I needed to punish myself.
I could have - should have - asked for help. I spoke to three people today that I know would have listened and tried to help. But I couldn't tell them how I was feeling because I didn't know why I felt that way. I'm afraid to disclose how I feel if I don't know WHY I feel that way. I'm afraid I'll be told "you shouldn't feel like that" or "that is crazy" or "you don't have any reason to feel that way" or "get over it." So instead I say nothing and just suffer in silence. I'm such an idiot sometimes........