This one is ugly people. So if you're not up to reading it, just back away and come back later.
I'm struggling with putting some pieces together that lends itself to there being more abuse than I can remember at the moment. The pain is unbearable. I'm not in control. It's out of control. I've given up any thought of getting off the meds at the moment. I'm taking all of it as often as I can. I'm trying to pray, do deep breathing, take time for myself, write and all that other stuff to cope and get a grip. Last night the pain was so bad, I tried to cut it out of me. It scared me. Because normally my SI is controlled. Neat lines and controlled. A deep breath, feel the relief. Control. Wasn't like that last night. It was my wrist - not my leg. It's fine. I wasn't trying to end my life. I just wanted to end the pain. It's not bad - no stitches required. Yes I told T. So I'm dealing with it the best that I know how at this point.