Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Cutting out the Bad Parts

This one is ugly people. So if you're not up to reading it, just back away and come back later.

I'm struggling with putting some pieces together that lends itself to there being more abuse than I can remember at the moment. The pain is unbearable. I'm not in control. It's out of control. I've given up any thought of getting off the meds at the moment. I'm taking all of it as often as I can. I'm trying to pray, do deep breathing, take time for myself, write and all that other stuff to cope and get a grip. Last night the pain was so bad, I tried to cut it out of me. It scared me. Because normally my SI is controlled. Neat lines and controlled. A deep breath, feel the relief. Control. Wasn't like that last night. It was my wrist - not my leg. It's fine. I wasn't trying to end my life. I just wanted to end the pain. It's not bad - no stitches required. Yes I told T. So I'm dealing with it the best that I know how at this point.


Beauty said...

I'm sorry you're dealing with so much pain, to the extent that you felt the need to attempt cutting it out of yourself.

Sometimes I think that dealing with the aftermath of abuse is harder than coping with the actual abuse when it happened. I know so many people who (like myself) will more than likely be dealing with childhood abuse issues for the rest of their lives. That sucks. It's not fair, and I hate it. We are never free to simply live our lives. We have so much additional junk to try and wade our way through.

Please hang in there and know that there are many who care what you're going through and who empathize--because we've been there/are there ourselves.

wolfbaby said...

One breath one moment one step at a time that is all you can ask of yourself.

take care