Tuesday, July 24, 2007

The Happy Mask

Others - How are you today?
Me to most everyone - Fine, how are you?
Me to some people - I'm okay.

Why can't I be honest? I'm not okay. I'm sitting here panicking and jittery. In tears because I'm paranoid about work and worried about my appointments this afternoon. Yet I know I will put on the Happy Mask at the doctors office and even in T's office. Why? Why do I do that? Why won't I let it down? How can I expect people to help me if I won't let them in or see that I need help?

Had an ortho appt this morning where they changed my wire. It appears my jaw clenching isn't doing too much damage and things are healing well. But of course I didn't ask about the jaw clenching because that would have admitted how stressed I am. Instead I just asked general questions about how stable my jaw is and they said fine. Didn't mention the headaches/jawaches I'm having again from clenching.

Doc appt this afternoon and counseling early evening. Still having bad anxiety problems and am fairly certain my meds need upped. I'm ______ about all this. (still not able to verbalize emotions real well - I think I'm mad, sad, upset, frustrated, extremely pissed off ). I had convinced myself that I didn't need meds anymore. Then the doctor told me he wanted me on them a total of 4-6 months with push toward the 6 month range. So that meant 3 more months. I was willing to live with that, although you may recall from past posts that I wasn't happy about it. Did not like the weight issues with the lexapro. Talked with T about switching to prozac which was supposed to be better on the weight front and also be safe during pregnancy. So assuming I needed to be on something, I could get off all else and just do the prozac. Called the doc and he okayed the switch. So dropped the lexapro and started the prozac. And I immediately was hit with the realization that my delusions about normalcy were just that - delusions. I'm not "healed" or "better" - I'm just drugged.

What the hell is wrong with me that I need drugs to cope? And why do I have such a problem with it. I have no issues with the fact that I have to take allergy meds every day. Why do I beat myself up so bad about anxiety/depression meds? I was so mad when the panic/anxiety kicked back in. Mad that it happened at all. Mad I couldn't deal with it. Mad that all these new "coping mechanisms" weren't working. Mad that all the progress I thought I had made wasn't really progress - it was just drugs. So I'm back to square one with the anxiety. Appt today where I guess I'll up the prozac and go from there. I need to have a real candid conversation with my doctor/T about whether I can realistically ever get off the other meds (trileptal or xanax) and then make some decisions.

Still having the "bad thoughts" - thought I was done with those. But again, just meds masking them I guess. Bridge columns looked mighty good this morning. The urge to SI is horribly fierce and it is taking everything not to do it. In fact the only reason I haven't is that I know it would be really bad and out of control. I'm jumpy and edgy and not fun to be around. I've been so snappy and impatient with Daughter. Today I just turned the radio up loud to mask out her "Mommy you are not listening to me" wails. All over the fact that we were running late and I wouldn't let her buckle her own seatbelt.

I feel like a whiner and complainer. I've been accused of that by Husband. Apparently I'm always saying I don't feel well or am panicky - at least in the last 10 days or so. Guess it's time to put the "happy mask" back on at home too. We are not getting along real well. I feel like I should be able to let my guard down at home. And timing wise, I'm due for another xanax about 6 pm. But I try to push it off and wait until closer to bed. That way I can use it to help with the anxiety and to sleep. So evening is a rough/panicky time. I know I take it out on Husband, but he pushes my buttons too. I mean how hard is it to stop standing in doorways and blocking my way. Or to stop following me around. Or to pick your crap up and put it away when you are done.

Anyway, enough whining. I hate whining. Maybe that is why I leave the Happy Mask on? When I whine and complain I hear my mother's voice in my head. She is such a whiner and always engaged in self-pity. So I be the brave, it's all okay, I'm in control person. That and to allow someone to see just how broken I am is to be vulnerable and risk being hurt.


Lynn said...

Enola, sometimes antidepressants can actually cause or worsen anxiety and the bad thoughts. This happened to me, but is different for everyone. I had to get off those things and up the anti-anxiety drugs to do it. Then I chopped the anxiety meds down to a low dose. There were break-through symptoms, but they were nothing in comparison and I was able to handle them. I just take low doses as needed presently. I take it when I just absolutely can't deal. This happens a few times a week. Maybe some day it will be less. Maybe you could talk to your doctor and see if it's possible that the anti-depressants are making things worse?? Or maybe Prozac just isn't the right one for you?

john michael said...

That and to allow someone to see just how broken I am is to be vulnerable and risk being hurt..... that pretty much says it all doesn't it. we are vulnerable and we don't want to risk getting hurt again, that is why we do what we do.

peace and blessings


Bobbie said...

Do you go to church? I too nag, snap, etc. when I'm not on my meds (lexapro). I have found additional comfort knowing I have a higher power in control of my life. Give Him control. Do you want your daughter to be like you? You like your mother? These very same questions changed my entire outlook. I will take these meds- not questioning WHY I have to. It doesn't matter as long as me and my life are truly "happy". Blessings to you- Bobbie