Wednesday, July 11, 2007

A Milestone

First, some rambling - I have been edgy for a few days. I don’t know why. I keep rubbing my jaw, only to realize that it hurts because I’ve been clenching it yet again. Wonder how long I can keep doing this before I’ve undone all the last 3 years of jaw surgeries and realignments?

I've been having problems with dizzy spells. Waves of panic that come over me as a huge wave of dizziness. Slightly different than how my panic usually starts. I've looked back over my journals and I can't find a pattern. I'm eating enough so I know it's not my sugar level. There doesn't seem to be any correlation with anything except that a few of the times (not all), I've just finished drinking something with an artificial sweetener, asperatame, in it.

I’m so tired. I read a book today that had a line in it about a woman who was caught up in a new employment opportunity. She realized one day that she had "forgotten" to be a survivor that day. And then forgot for a few days, until it no longer controlled her identity or her life. I can’t relate. Haven’t been able too in so long. I’m looking forward to vacation next week. I hope I can escape for a week. On the other hand, I want to use the relaxation time as an opportunity to maybe connect with some more of me. Some more memories if there are any? Maybe connect the dots a bit more.

Now the Good News - It’s been 9 days since I cut. Since April, eight days is the longest I’ve gone. So today is a new milestone. I usually have two days or really strong urges before I give in. The urge started yesterday. I really want to try to make it through until I go to the beach. Then the "Test" - will I pack the pretty purple bag of razors? Will I leave them at home, knowing I can dismantle a disposable razor or hit an Eckerd if I need too? Will I leave them at home and resist all week at least through Wed, because my Sister will be there and will kill me if she sees fresh marks? Will I leave them at home and resist the entire week, knowing if I can make it through that, it will have been TWENTY days. What is that saying? Twenty one or three or eight days? To make a new habit. Isn’t there some correlation with most out-patient rehabs being 28 day programs? Anyway, the beach is supposed to be relaxing and not stressful. If I can make it until then and through then, maybe, just maybe, I’ll be on the road to healing.


Lynn said...

It'll be relaxing, Enola. I just know it. You are doing a fabulous job and I'm keeping good thoughts for you, friend.

austin said...

8 Days!!! Now there you go! I personally would look back on the coping skills I used during those eight days which allowed me such a milestone and pack them in my bag before heading off to the beach.

I'm allergic to artificial orange and as you know I have nasty reactions to lactose.