Sunday, August 12, 2007

Barbed Wire Comments

I just got home from my weekend trip. It sucked. I was so freaking hurt last night (still am) and had nowhere to run and hide. I felt trapped at my in-laws' house. I had enough respect for my In-Laws not to leave but I wanted out of there so bad.

So on the drive to a barbecue, DH says "don't take this the wrong way but I have more fun when you are not here and it is just DD and me." WTF? My head reeled. Don't take this the wrong way? Like how the hell am I supposed to take that? After all I have done? WHY? Because when I am in, I get irritated when he leaves all day and I have to sit there by myself and do nothing in the 100 degree house? Because he actually has to do something with DD instead of just dump her on his mother and go play golf or hunt? Because every single time I plan anything with my friends, he rushes off with DD to his parents, because he can't possibly keep her occupied at home on his own?

So later, he says, "I feel torn." Torn? What? Torn between what? Between his parents and me? I told him that is because he will tell me "No" and argue with me, but he will never tell his parents "No" or take my side against them. He says "I can't." I told him to figure it out and he says he "doesn't know how."

What happened to leaving your parents and cleaving to spouse? And what the hell prompted this? I haven't had a fight with his parents - we hadn't been disagreeing. I've never fought with them. What the hell brought this on?

I really like my in-laws. I have always treated them with respect. I spent a whole week with them one summer helping out when MIL had foot surgery. I gave up holidays with my family (back when I still had a relationship with Mom/Toilet) when his aunt died on Christmas eve. I gave up a huge scrap convention when his aunt died. I spend every holiday here on the actual day and worked my family visits in between. Drove here after sunrise service on DD's first Easter because DH and his family were so upset at not seeing us and that we were missing the family meal. Make room readily for his family at DD's recital, choir performance and everything. Get doubles of every pic. I truly care about his family.

I do not know why DH feels torn between us. I get along fine with them. I have never made him choose. I have never told him not to visit or anything. We were not fighting or disagreeing when he made this comment. I have no idea why he said it. It just came out of the blue. Why is he doing this? Why am I not welcome or wanted? Why does DH feel he has to side with one over the other? Why does he feel like he has to agree with every thing his folks say or do? I feel like my heart has been torn out. Thrown down and trampled upon.....

Am I not good enough to hang out with his family? They are the "all-American country family?" I know I stand out and don't fit in. At a family-housewarming party for his cousin, someone walked in and said, "oh you all look so alike....oh, except for you (points at me)." I know I stick out. I didn't have the perfect childhood. I have divorced parents. I don't see most of my family. Once again, someone in my life that is supposed to love me and protect me, has chosen some other family member over me....What is wrong with me?


Hidden Tears said...

Just wanted to send ton of hugs your way. Sorry you didn't have a good visit with you in-laws

~Sister in Survival~ said...

I am so sorry for this hurting comment. It seems that many survivors are vulnerable to correction and criticism, because we have spent the entirety of our days trying to perfectly please everyone, so that we would not be abandoned. When words and attitudes like these come from those closest to us it is unbearable...

Here are some random thoughts on other points that you mentioned.

Take care,

I know that the rancid puss of defilement that oozes from my soul infects the lives of my own DH and DD. It is the one part of me that I would cut out and destroy if at all possible, but since nothing outside of the work of God can rememdy this part of me, I find myself on His timetable of sanctification. Unfortunately, it is not an instantaneous process, but rather a long an ardous healing.

As for the "feeling like you stick out part," I so identify. There are times when I try to stand back and get an idea of what others see when they obseve me. I am grateful that things are usually to hectic for me to have these moments of lucidity, because I often feel as if I am looking through a two-way mirror at someone else's insanity. It generates an extremely unnerving feeling within me. This feeling of not fitting in seems to come from that need to be perfect. I often stare into the mirror...the reflection does not displease me...not any more...but when I stare deeply into my soul I find that there are cracks and missing chips that form this imperfect vessel, I live in.

Those of us who have come to realize this about ourselves, live an existence "other" than those that wander obliviously unaware of their own brokeness. I would gladly return to their ranks, but since the possiblity is just plain impossible...I am left to ponder how to live with these broken shards. When will the Potter mend my brokeness and restore the beauty of my soul in my own sight?

Beauty said...

I'm glad to hear that you have good relationships with your inlaws. How much worse would things be if you didn't!

(My ex-inlaws never really 'saw' me. I felt like the invisible daughter inlaw. And it didn't help that when I had to miss out on a dinner invitation, etc. because of my health, my hubby wouldn't even bother telling them I was sick. I can't imagine what they must of thought of all my absences.)

I think that your hubby is obviously happy with the dynamics of his relationship with his folks. It sounds as if they've never required much of him, and that he feels truly at home when he's with them.

You, on the other hand, are an outsider. As his wife, you expect things of him (which you have every right to expect) which cause him to have to think of how his behavior affects someone else (you.) With his parents he probably can be any way he likes, and they love him unconditionally.

It's been a hard truth for me to learn that most people can't handle dealing with others' emotional pain. Men are especially not good at this.

I wish there were a magic potion you could take. I wish there was one thing you could say to your hubby which would get his attention, and turn him into a compassionate, loving partner.

I wish none of us had ever been abused.

I know how hard this is for you, and my heart is with you. Hang in there, Enola. And please know that your hubby's lack of empathy has nothing to do with your worth as a human being. It says more about him than it does about you.

Safe hugs!