In sports when you get tired, you can get a sub. I need one for life right now. I'm tired. I need a Time Out. I suppose I could try biting someone like my toddler does - maybe someone will give me a 3 minute time out?
Through the last 1 1/2 years and working through this mess, I've found strength online with friends, blogs, support groups and emails. In "real" life I've had the help of my family, friends, and counselor. These people have become important in my life, whereas before I relied on my own strength, titles, profession.
Today I lost the strength of my profession. I lost a court battle. I had to tell a mom to send her child for visitation with a man who was, by his own admission, abusive to another child. Just not this one....yet. I don't understand it. It doesn't make sense. And it hurts. I sat there and watched a mother cry and I could do nothing. Except hold it together until I got in my car and cry. Cry out of fear for what will happen to this child now.
I feel like God has pulled everything out from under me. The online support groups have become very hectic for me and my brain cells can't keep up. I find less and less time to visit there. I used to fall apart at home but my recent marital problems have made me afraid to be vulnerable there. Maybe God is pulling everything out from me - maybe to make me rely solely on Him? That might be okay with me if I could find Him. I've looked everywhere and I can't find Him - or feel Him. I catch a glimpse and it's gone. I feel like my core is shaken and breaking into fragments. I'm frantically trying to hold on while also trying to learn to live without certain pieces.
I'm afraid to let people get to know me. I'm afraid I'll let them in and then they will leave. I'm scared to let go of this hurt and resentment. I'm tired of feeling "not good enough" - so much so that on some days I (literally) try to cut out the bad parts to find the good. I'm not sure how much of me is really left. Or where I'll find the strength to keep going.