Monday, August 20, 2007

I know Better than to open emails like this

Okay, my last several days have kind of sucked. Well, okay, they've really sucked. So I should know better than to open an email from my mother at 7:45 am on a Monday morning. The thought even crossed my mind "now (self) you know this won't be good. Save it for later." But the catastrophising part of my brain said that it wouldn't be worse than my imagination. So I opened it.

Keep in mind that my mother has my work, home and cell numbers. I called her last time (about 1 1/2 weeks ago). So it's her "turn" to call me (taking turns is all important in my family). I'm on Instant Messenger, as is my sister. But no - Mom does not pick up the phone and call me, or conference Sister and I in on Instant Messenger -- she'll save those things for the "guilt instilling" types of conversations. The "I miss you" and "I don't hear from you" type of crapola.

So the email is about my Aunt - mom's oldest sister. Who went to the doctor and found a lump in her breast. Turns out to be cancer. She'll know more details later. So I'm upset, pissed and mad.

I'm hurt that my Aunt didn't email me the message that she sent to others. Although I have deleted some stuff lately that I assumed were forwards, so need to go check those.

I'm pissed that my mom would deliver news like this over an email. But that is her typical operating standard.

Growing up, my Aunt wasn't really close with me - seemed standoffish. I asked my mother one time why that was and it turns out Aunt always wanted a girl. She has two boys. She miscarried a later term pregnancy one time and it was a girl. Mom thought that was why. Could be. I had a bit more compassion for Aunt after that. At a family reunion many years ago, Aunt was overly bossy and not enjoyed by anyone. But she apologized. Apparently there were still hard feelings though (with my Mom apparently you are supposed to "get over" and "forget" that your husband abused your children - but not that your sister had a bossy moment). So at the last reunion, things were awkward.

At the last reunion (about 2 years ago), my Aunt and her husband camped nearby where the rest of us stayed at cabins. So my Aunt called looking for a ride from the campground to the cabin. Apparently it came off demanding and mom/her other sister were drunk at that point and weren't going to be able to drive. So there were hurt feelings. My Sister and I and some cousins drove over to the campground and visited with them. It meant the world to my Aunt.

Later Sister and I communicated with my Aunt. There were some gaping holes in my mom's childhood stories and we needed to know but Mom wasn't talking. Aunt risked pissing everyone off to tell us. It helped me so much in my healing. My Aunt has been the best lately - maybe she was cold when I was a child - but she has been so helpful and supportive lately.

So it hurts to find out she has cancer through an email from my mother. Hurts a lot. And since I posted yesterday about it being okay to question God --- I want to know WHY. Why God? Why her? And why my family? Hasn't there been enough suffering? When will it end?


DM said...

Dear Enola, I have no answer to these questions you are raising. I wish I did. I do know the older I get, the more freedom I have to "vent" and verbalize.
In the movie, A Fiddler On the Roof, I love the Papa...he has an ongoing dialog w/ God, asking him hard questions, not afraid to look "unspiritual". I submit to you, that is as genuine of communication with God as any "our Father" or other words in a creed. No disrespect intended to anyone who might happen over to your blog here who might be more "refined"...but, in my relationships with people,the ones that mean anything to me are the ones where we are candid with each other...why not in our relationships w/ God...if he's as big, wise, and powerful as he says he is (and I think he is), then I think he can handle me being "pissed off" from time to time.

beauty said...

I've had reason in my own life lately to ask the Why questions...I don't think it's wrong to ask. I don't think God always tells us, though. Could be some thing we just won't understand in this lifetime. Just as when our children our young and want to know why they can't do this or that, and they're just not mature enough to understand our explanations.

I got close to my aunt for about 5 years before her death last year. I know what it's like to lose a beloved aunt. My auntie was a bit rough around the edges also, but I loved her anyway.

I'm sorry to hear about your aunt's cancer. This is never easy news to process.

Marj aka Thriver said...

I always ask that question about the suffering as well. And i don't have an answer. take gentle care.

lawyerchik said...

I'm so sorry to hear that your aunt has cancer! That's a sucky disease anyway, and it's worse when it strikes someone you love.

Hopefully, they caught it in enough time that she will survive the disease (and the treatment), and that the time you can spend talking to her now will be the basis for a friendship for as long as any of you has left.

One of my aunts was diagnosed with breast cancer back in the 60s, and she just celebrated her 79th birthday back in June. One of the secretaries in my office had a double mastectomy last year, and reconstructive surgery this year, and she has been doing very well, so it's possible that her doctors will be able to help her.

And if not, then at least you have an opportunity to get to know her as well as you can while she's here. That's all any of us can do in this life - except to prepare for the next life, but it sounds like you're on that road already. :)

Hope and health for you, Enola!!

keepers said...

well we have asked those questions of God over and over, and of course there is no answer, at least that we can comprehend. suffice it to say we send you safe hugs and kind thoughts.

peace and blessings