Okay, my last several days have kind of sucked. Well, okay, they've really sucked. So I should know better than to open an email from my mother at 7:45 am on a Monday morning. The thought even crossed my mind "now (self) you know this won't be good. Save it for later." But the catastrophising part of my brain said that it wouldn't be worse than my imagination. So I opened it.
Keep in mind that my mother has my work, home and cell numbers. I called her last time (about 1 1/2 weeks ago). So it's her "turn" to call me (taking turns is all important in my family). I'm on Instant Messenger, as is my sister. But no - Mom does not pick up the phone and call me, or conference Sister and I in on Instant Messenger -- she'll save those things for the "guilt instilling" types of conversations. The "I miss you" and "I don't hear from you" type of crapola.
So the email is about my Aunt - mom's oldest sister. Who went to the doctor and found a lump in her breast. Turns out to be cancer. She'll know more details later. So I'm upset, pissed and mad.
I'm hurt that my Aunt didn't email me the message that she sent to others. Although I have deleted some stuff lately that I assumed were forwards, so need to go check those.
I'm pissed that my mom would deliver news like this over an email. But that is her typical operating standard.
Growing up, my Aunt wasn't really close with me - seemed standoffish. I asked my mother one time why that was and it turns out Aunt always wanted a girl. She has two boys. She miscarried a later term pregnancy one time and it was a girl. Mom thought that was why. Could be. I had a bit more compassion for Aunt after that. At a family reunion many years ago, Aunt was overly bossy and not enjoyed by anyone. But she apologized. Apparently there were still hard feelings though (with my Mom apparently you are supposed to "get over" and "forget" that your husband abused your children - but not that your sister had a bossy moment). So at the last reunion, things were awkward.
At the last reunion (about 2 years ago), my Aunt and her husband camped nearby where the rest of us stayed at cabins. So my Aunt called looking for a ride from the campground to the cabin. Apparently it came off demanding and mom/her other sister were drunk at that point and weren't going to be able to drive. So there were hurt feelings. My Sister and I and some cousins drove over to the campground and visited with them. It meant the world to my Aunt.
Later Sister and I communicated with my Aunt. There were some gaping holes in my mom's childhood stories and we needed to know but Mom wasn't talking. Aunt risked pissing everyone off to tell us. It helped me so much in my healing. My Aunt has been the best lately - maybe she was cold when I was a child - but she has been so helpful and supportive lately.
So it hurts to find out she has cancer through an email from my mother. Hurts a lot. And since I posted yesterday about it being okay to question God --- I want to know WHY. Why God? Why her? And why my family? Hasn't there been enough suffering? When will it end?