Friday, November 23, 2007

Key Word = Zoning Out

I'm still not quite sure what is going on. It started out last week. I began to feel numb - physically and emotionally. I was crying a lot but had no idea why. I would just feel waves of sadness and start crying. Without any reason why. I also felt physically numb. My arms and legs felt extremely heavy. My face felt numb too. You know the numb you feel when your limbs are extremely asleep. My whole body felt like that and it felt like I had weights attached. I started zoning out majorly. I fell asleep at 8 - 8:30 pm at night for two nights in a row. I was also falling asleep at work and napping in the afternoons. I didn't even know what to do to fix things. Thinking of things like eating, drinking, sleeping, taking meds - were all foreign. It didn't even occur to me.

I spoke with T on Wednesday and she advised me to call the doctor. I did and got a call back within an hour - much better than my old practice. I was told to stay at my current dose and not increase it, until I see the doctor Tuesday.

I finally "snapped out" of things and had a short bout of "normal" on Wed. I think it was the frenzied cleaning (wore myself out) and then the nap. I woke up and had a few moments of clarity and decided to try a xanax and a meal. I hadn't been eating regularly - just didn't think about it. It never occurred to me to eat.

I think perhaps what I was feeling was a sort of panic attack. Nothing at all like I've ever had before. But once I grasped that moment of clarity and was able to take the xanax, I was good for a bit and could see that it was coming in waves. I don't think it is entirely anxiety-related though.

Thoughts still aren't real clear and I find myself still forgetting about basic life stuff - like eating and bathing and stuff. I have to think real hard. I am tired all the time. I "fell asleep" (or heavily zoned out) at the movies today with my daughter. Then came home and "fell asleep" another 2 hours in the chair. Sound asleep (our "out") too - I don't hear a thing, even in the living room with a toddler running around. Last night I apparently got up and let the dog in and shut the windows up - I don't remember it at all. Very odd for me. I'm not a sound sleeper normally.

On the home front, DH and I are not getting along at all. It's hunting versus moving versus family versus everything. I'm not "with it" enough to hold my own and find myself reverting to the old "whatever" and "do what you want" response. Instead of trying to voice how I really feel. To the end result of a big blow up, my going in to slam my door, DH following me to yell some more in front of my daughter, to which I freaked (childhood memories) and left with her. Went to the movies, where she sat on my lap and snuggled and I "slept". DH called 4 million times, worried, despite my leaving him a note that we "went out and would be back later." Came home where he yelled some more and I "fell asleep" on the couch. I shut down and gave up - to the end result that he is somehow going hunting next weekend -- oh he'll take our daughter so I don't have to find childcare. Guess I'll line up my real friends and pack myself. After all we have a moving "team" (friends that I lined up to help us move) coming 7 short days after that.

(actually I did tell DH earlier that I'd prefer he not hunt - it would stress me out. But once again, he can't accept that I disagree, so he had to fight and beat me down until I changed my mind - or, in this case, gave up and said "whatever" - otherwise he accuses me of always wanting things my way).

I do okay if I can actually get going - once I figure out how. So if I can get up and move tomorrow and start cleaning, I'll be okay I think. Although we lost our sitter - her daughter is sick. So we'll (I'll) have my daughter with us - because DH, of course, won't hear of me calling anyone else to help (although he did offer to go hunt and take Caleigh with him so I could clean on my own). It's too late to call now but I plan on defying that and calling anyway - that is, if I can remember how.


DM said...

In my neck of the woods it's called a "cleaning party" you invite anyone you can think of that would be of help. I've done it to plant 60 apple trees, (called it a tree planting party..bought pizza and made a memory) did it when we had 100 chickens to butcher...called it a "chicken cleaning party"..the people I "tapped" for that party were a hearty bunch...I've done it when we had sheetrock to hang (you're seeing a theme by now I hope...yep it was a sheetrock hanging again :-) I wouldn't think twice about having a spur of the moment cleaning party....hubby will wish he had stayed work/ no's the time to call for reinforcements..that's my two cents worth

Lynn said...

Enola, it sounds to me that you are being taken advantage of and covertly bullied by your husband and you are overwhelmed with all that you have to do. I don't think what you are having is an abnormal reaction, really. Certain big things can sometimes be harder if you have a 'past'. Just how does your husband think it is good for his family and his wife's well-being to abandon her with so much going on? Pardon me if I am opinionated and out of line, but this reminds me of the argument I had with my husband last night. I know my husband loves me and is basically a good person, but the way things tend to go when I am overwhelmed sometimes makes me suspect that he WAITS for it to happen so he can get away with things! I know it sounds awful, but that's what I think sometimes! Like me being overwhelmed means he gets to be sloppy and messy, financially irresponsible, not cut the grass, etc. because I am not in any shape to properly hold him accountable. It's like as soon as I go down, he turns into a lazy teenager who has no parents around to keep him going. I swear to god, if he does that to me again, there will be hell to pay.

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I pray you are feeling OK today. Regardless, you’re in my prayers.

Beauty said...

I go through phases of my body wanting to sleep constantly; I just can't get enough sleep during these times. I know it's stress related, and it sounds as if you're more than stressed right now.

I hope things will turn around for you before long. Hopefully you'll get plenty of help with your moving!

Enola said...

Lynn - I think you are exactly right. When I'm down and out, DH thinks he is "helping" by leaving the house with DD to go to his parents (hunting of course) and letting me have alone time - he doesn't realize that then the shopping, cleaning, errands and other stuff doesn't get done. Or I should say, he realizes but doesn't care.

Lynn said...

Enola, I understand so much of what you are dealing with. The Thankgiving night fight over here got started early in the morning. I had a very simple and nonstressful dinner planned to keep things manageable for me because of the holiday. Early that morning, I was getting out of the shower to go to bed when my husband woke up for the day. He wanted sex. I did it, but I probably shouldn't have. I got to sleep much later than usual (not to mention the other problems that come with sex) and so slept in very late. My husband cooked the dinner because of that. He fell asleep on the couch at 9:00 pm and all the kids were still awake wanting things and needing attention. I woke him up and told him he had to help. He said, "I worked really hard today. I did a lot." He was talking about the dinner he made (that mostly came out of cans); the dinner he 'had to make' because we had sex. The dinner he had to make because of me. What the hell does he think I do everyday, sit around and pick my nose? I cook the dinner and make special nice lunches for the kids almost EVERY SINGLE DAY. I spend HOURS in that damn kitchen. This whole thing made me very, very angry. I guess it counts as really hard work to cook ONLY when it is done by a man. Sometimes he has a knack for saying and doing things that leave me feeling hatred toward him. The whole thing on Thanksgiving made me feel like this: My husband abandoned me (fell asleep early and left me with all the kids) because sex and sleep are a problem for me and they shouldn't be. I felt like he was penalizing me and trying to punish me for being traumatized. How familiar is that? I will be punished unless I can just have sex like it is no big deal. And he wonders why I dissociate. He takes advantage of me when my functioning is down. In some ways, the man is an ass.

April_optimist said...

My experience is that the numbness and falling asleep are defense mechanisms that protect us from being truly overwhelmed. They stop us when we'd push too hard, too fast to look at something. And to let us recover from the work when we have looked at something difficult. IOW, it's normal given what you've been dealing with.