I'm still not quite sure what is going on. It started out last week. I began to feel numb - physically and emotionally. I was crying a lot but had no idea why. I would just feel waves of sadness and start crying. Without any reason why. I also felt physically numb. My arms and legs felt extremely heavy. My face felt numb too. You know the numb you feel when your limbs are extremely asleep. My whole body felt like that and it felt like I had weights attached. I started zoning out majorly. I fell asleep at 8 - 8:30 pm at night for two nights in a row. I was also falling asleep at work and napping in the afternoons. I didn't even know what to do to fix things. Thinking of things like eating, drinking, sleeping, taking meds - were all foreign. It didn't even occur to me.
I spoke with T on Wednesday and she advised me to call the doctor. I did and got a call back within an hour - much better than my old practice. I was told to stay at my current dose and not increase it, until I see the doctor Tuesday.
I finally "snapped out" of things and had a short bout of "normal" on Wed. I think it was the frenzied cleaning (wore myself out) and then the nap. I woke up and had a few moments of clarity and decided to try a xanax and a meal. I hadn't been eating regularly - just didn't think about it. It never occurred to me to eat.
I think perhaps what I was feeling was a sort of panic attack. Nothing at all like I've ever had before. But once I grasped that moment of clarity and was able to take the xanax, I was good for a bit and could see that it was coming in waves. I don't think it is entirely anxiety-related though.
Thoughts still aren't real clear and I find myself still forgetting about basic life stuff - like eating and bathing and stuff. I have to think real hard. I am tired all the time. I "fell asleep" (or heavily zoned out) at the movies today with my daughter. Then came home and "fell asleep" another 2 hours in the chair. Sound asleep (our "out") too - I don't hear a thing, even in the living room with a toddler running around. Last night I apparently got up and let the dog in and shut the windows up - I don't remember it at all. Very odd for me. I'm not a sound sleeper normally.
On the home front, DH and I are not getting along at all. It's hunting versus moving versus family versus everything. I'm not "with it" enough to hold my own and find myself reverting to the old "whatever" and "do what you want" response. Instead of trying to voice how I really feel. To the end result of a big blow up, my going in to slam my door, DH following me to yell some more in front of my daughter, to which I freaked (childhood memories) and left with her. Went to the movies, where she sat on my lap and snuggled and I "slept". DH called 4 million times, worried, despite my leaving him a note that we "went out and would be back later." Came home where he yelled some more and I "fell asleep" on the couch. I shut down and gave up - to the end result that he is somehow going hunting next weekend -- oh he'll take our daughter so I don't have to find childcare. Guess I'll line up my real friends and pack myself. After all we have a moving "team" (friends that I lined up to help us move) coming 7 short days after that.
(actually I did tell DH earlier that I'd prefer he not hunt - it would stress me out. But once again, he can't accept that I disagree, so he had to fight and beat me down until I changed my mind - or, in this case, gave up and said "whatever" - otherwise he accuses me of always wanting things my way).
I do okay if I can actually get going - once I figure out how. So if I can get up and move tomorrow and start cleaning, I'll be okay I think. Although we lost our sitter - her daughter is sick. So we'll (I'll) have my daughter with us - because DH, of course, won't hear of me calling anyone else to help (although he did offer to go hunt and take Caleigh with him so I could clean on my own). It's too late to call now but I plan on defying that and calling anyway - that is, if I can remember how.