Thursday, November 1, 2007

Out with the Garbage

I hadn't realized that today was the 45 day mark. After struggling yesterday so badly, it was nice to count the days and come to that realization. One struggle yesterday was the fact that every time I opened a desk drawer, there was something SI-related there.

I committed to throwing all SI-related stuff away at 60 days. A commitment to myself. However, today it was time to get rid of the stuff in my desk. So into a plastic bag went razors, safety pins, quilters' pins, straight pins, bandaids, and antibiotic cream. I did have a large moment of panic as I walked down the stairs to my car. But it went in - as evidenced here -
(note white bag going into dumpster - great photo capture if you ask me - lol)

Afterwards, per someone's suggestion, I treated myself. I am now enjoying a large white chocolate mocha frappucino with a chocolate chocolate-chip muffin (a girl can't have too much chocolate!). I feel relieved. A tad uneasy, but mostly relieved.

(hmm, 3rd post of the day - for a girl who can't verbalize outloud, I sure have no problem blabbing in writing)

5 comments:

lawyerchik said...

Good for you, missy!! :)

I thought of something after your last post about the apprehension you were feeling, and I thought I would pass it along.

I have noticed in my own life that I feel more agitated and restless during certain times of the year, and it finally dawned on me that those were times when my family made huge changes - moving across the globe, selling the house we'd lived in for so long, leaving friends, etc.

Those were anniversaries of legitimate losses in my life that I hadn't mourned, and the restlessness and agitation was my subconscious "preparing" for the same upheaval - because that's what always happened.

When I'd been in my current job for almost 3 years, I started almost imploding, and I realized that it was because I had no inner template for how to be in a job or in work relationships with people that lasted longer than about 2 and a half years.

I was afraid of the unknown - I didn't know how to work anyplace longer than that, and I was so afraid of how the end was going to come that I couldn't think about plans for the future.

I'm still afraid, but I'm learning how to manage it - I don't have complete trust yet (I still have suspicions that people I work for are just waiting for me to do something so they can fire me sometimes - OK, more than just sometimes! :) ), but I'm trying to take it slowly and to focus on what I need to do for the present.

Hope you have a good rest of the day, Enola!! :)

Melissa said...

Oh my gosh, you are amazing!!!

Lynn said...

:-)

:-)

:-)

{{{{{{{{Enola}}}}}}}}

Rising Rainbow said...

That treating yourself afterwards sounds like a great plan too.

Austin said...

SI is an addiction, both physically and mentally. This is what I thought about, you've tossed out SI, made a choice for yourself about what you need for your future. But this doesn't mean you won't still want to hang onto the SI memory. I think keeping the "tools" was sort of a way of holding on to what you know. (I know SI, I know it well. I know why I do it and what I get out of it. I also know I'm not in a space to let it go.)

Perhaps for you keeping those items around may have "simply" been like having a path in front of you that you're not ready to walk down. This is what I mean. You walked down the path of SI sobriety. You stayed on that path. The next path, the next step was to remove all objects that could stumble you. Removing them is the next step in healing. Keeping those things around wasn't a sign of failure but a sign that you were not ready for the next healing step.

I also think that emotionally there was a need to hang on to them. This means there will be a period of mourning because even though you made the decision to stop abusing yourself you've still lost something that was yours, lost something that was with you for a long time. It is reasonable to conclude that there will be longing for the old ways even though the old ways proved unhealthy. That grief is another path, another step towards healing and completely normal.

You're doing well, you're walking forward at a pace you can keep. This is a good thing.
Smiles to you and yours,

Austin