I thought of something yesterday when I wrote my blog post. I've always felt.....(insert blank here since I don't know what I felt).....about the way I disclosed the abuse. I remember more now about that conversation than I used to remember. My sister has also filled in some gaps for me. But what it really boils down to is that I did not tell until my mom was yelling at me for something, and telling me to respect (or something) Toilet. And I yelled back that she wouldn't have said that if she "knew what he had done." Insert big blank in memory here where I apparently told her or alluded to it or something. Then I ran down stairs. Next thing I remember is her coming down and saying he denied it. Then there was back and forth stuff. And finally he admitted it and she was crying and wanting to know what to do. Sometime later there was a conversation where I was given a "choice" to (1) forget it and he'd get counseling or (2) tell and then we "all knew" that I'd have to go live with Dad.
I've replayed that scene in my head a million times. I've replayed other scenes in my head too - playing the "what if" game - what if I told Mom a different way, what if I had screamed out when it happened, what if I had told a teacher, what if I had told my father, what if I had called the police, what if I had told a doctor, what if, what if, what if......
I carry a lot of blame and shame and guilt (that's as close to feeling words as I get) about the way I handled things. I want to believe that if only I had handled it differently, mom's reaction would have been different. If only I had told her at a time other than when I was mad, she would have loved me enough to choose me over him.
Years later my dad discovered what had happened. It was after I had left home for college and lost touch with him. We've run into each other and discussed it twice ever. Both times he's expressed anger at me for choosing Toilet over him. WHAT? Because I didn't tell my father what happened. Because I chose to stay in that situation and that home. Because I didn't choose to come live with my father. I tried to explain why I had Toilet walk me down the aisle at my wedding (to appease mother/to avoid answering questions, because he hadn't talked to me in years, because he never responded to my engagement notice, etc). It didn't come out right. I've not heard my dad ever express anger at Toilet for what he did - but only at me for choosing to continue to live there.
It comes back to me. I believe that if I had planned it out and said it differently. Done it differently - disclosed it differently - then the reactions would have been different and maybe I would have been chosen. Maybe I would have been believed more. Maybe it would have been different. My mistake in wording then is one I'm determined not to do again. So I plan out all I'm going to do/say. I plan for every confrontation. Every conversation. When my Nana died and I knew I might run into my dad, I planned it out over and over and over again. When I say it out loud, it hasn't come out right. And I'm determined not make that mistake again. So anything serious I write out.
Even now when I write, I go back and re-read over and over and over again. Even after hitting send, I re-read it. I send messages to T and blogs and others and go to the "sent" file and re-read. It has to be perfect. So I don't mess up again.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
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7 comments:
Oh, Enola.....I say this with love and empathy. What a horrific way to expend all your energy. You are not perfect. You cannot be perfect (haha...the Irony that my blogger name is "Perfect"...and you know I understand this desire to be so"
Here is the fact....you did the best that you could do at the time and in the situation you were in. You reacted the only way you knew how. To criticize your choices puts your adult rationale on the child who made those decisions in the moment without the benefit of years, reflection, experience, understanding, therapy. You can "what if" all day long. It will never ever change what did happen. And that is energy you could be putting into present day issues. Or time that can be spent just being at rest in yourself (are you freaking out at the thought of that?) Maybe things would have been different. Maybe not. Maybe they would have been worse. Your mother didn't choose Toilet over you. She chose herself. And no matter what you did, she would have still made the choice that best served HER.
As for your father's anger...well, I'm only speculating but as a generalization, men tend to become angry when there is a situation they cannot "fix". His anger expressed at you was entirely displaced. You were just the person in the path of it. ((hugs))
I'm with K on this one, Enola.
Your mother did choose what was best for herself. Most often, the mother does stay with the abuser. I don't know why. In my own mother's case, she had grown accustomed to a certain style of living she would have had to give up should she kick my stepdad out, or send him to prison.
You said that if only you'd worded things differently or waited until better timing, etc etc. This reminds me of women who are abused by their hubbies and say, If only I hadn't bugged him when he was in a bad mood, if only I hadn't nagged him. I should have known better, it's my fault. I deserve this black eye, broken arm, etc.
Nothing that happened to you as a kid is your fault. That includes how the truth about your abuse was relayed to your mother, as well as her reaction to it. None of it was your fault in the slightest.
(2) tell and then we "all knew" that I'd have to go live with Dad.
There should have been a third choice that went something like this: Tell and then we kick this dirty son of a bitch out of our lives and you live here with me, your mother, and I will love you and do the best I can to protect you and help you recover.
I don't even know what to say about your father. Shame on him for letting you carry the weight of this. How can he not be angry at that pig? I have to wonder about the consciences and souls of men like these. My son's father had the nerve to say, "Why did you let him do that to you?" The man is an ignorant ass.
Enola, you deserved better. From everyone.
Yes Enola, you did deserve better.
I understand some of the pain you must feel in your mother effectively choosing to side with Toilet in only offering you the two options.
I understand because I see the pain in my partner who was in a similar position. Her mother chose her stepfather and disowned her. Her sister too, even though her sister was a witness to some of the abuse. Her mum defended her husband though in her heart of hearts her mum new the truth too. My partner was thrown out of the house at a young age to fend for herself.
It is extremely painful. I think ultimately even if you had tried a different tack in telling your story, the outcome would probably have been the same. So please do not blame yourself. You did nothing wrong.
(Btw I am not sure if Lynn realises what a special thing she did in standing up for her son. And gives herself the credit she deserves.)
I dont want to link back to my blog having revealed such personal info but so you know who I am, all I will say is Belgium Buns!
Oh, dear one, you couldn't have done better. You couldn't have been perfect enough. Because it wasn't about you at all, was it. Abusers play on the vulnerabilities, weaknesses and even imperfections of others, because those things are there. But, they're there in everybody. And they don't require abuse and mind and power games as a response. Your responses did not make things turn out the way it did. Any response or action would have resulted in things turning out in an abusive way, because he was an abuser. Abusers don't play fair.
There was not a good way and you chose the wrong way. With abuse, there is no good way. Here are a few things I was reading recently in a book I have on post-traumatic stress: "All approaches [i.e. responses to the abuse that is being perpetrated against one] pose grave dangers. No matter what she does, each option risks safety, life, health, values and/or property. Thus, indecision is to be expected....
We don't perform at our best when overwhelmed, terrified, out of control, and unable to see the big picture. At the time of the trauma, you were in life training. You hadn't learned all of life's lessons...and trauma creates a horrible learning environment."
I'm so sorry for what you went through and how that continues to haunt you. And I doubt my words make much difference in that. But, maybe, somehow, one more person adding to the chorus saying, "You are not to blame. It didn't end up the way it did because of what YOU did or didn't do or how you handled it.", might bring a little assurance to you.
The same book has a series of 20 questions to ask yourself when you are beating yourself up with guilt. It's not that the questions themselves are so profound, but, I think, that it helps to be asked questions which keep the reality visible that there are too many uncertainties to be able to so definitively blame yourself.
I didn't mean, "you chose the wrong way" in my second paragraph. What I meant was that the situation was NOT that you chose the wrong way.
Enola...I agree with everyone here. You didnt do anything wrong.
I never did tell my mother about my step dad. I remember once...her kind of opening the door, in relation to something my sister had said. I could see the look on her face. There were so many things going on for her. I could see fear...anger...and even sadness. Most of all...there was something there that said..."please dont tell me...I dont want to know". So...I didnt.
I was so afraid, that like with Beauty, she would choose him over me. I cant be sure that is the way it would have gone...but my instincts told me, that it would.
As a mother myself...if this had happened to my child, I would have wanted to know...and I would have fixed it. He would have seen the end of my shoe so fast it would have made his head spin. My girl was never ever alone with this man...the fear was overwhelming.
My mom is gone now, and I miss her so much. I wish I had given her the chance though....to stick up for me. At least you gave your mom that opportunity. You have done all you could. You are guilty of nothing.
Laurie
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