I wasn't sure I was going to write this here quite yet, but then I reminded myself how much writing helps. And that this was started for me, so if writing it out will help me, then I should. So here goes....
I'm cautiously pregnant ?!?!? I am not the best with dates but figured it was about time. I mentioned on a previous post about having some PMS symptoms and cramping. Yesterday I woke up and was horribly sick - then fine. A lightbulb went off and I headed to the store. Two generic tests later I had no answer - not a negative, not a positive -no result at all. Went home at lunch and bought the expensive test. Same thing - no result. Back to the office where I figured I'd take the third generic test (it came in a box of 3 for the OCD types like me). Positive. I called the doctor. Got right in and another positive test there. Then I met with the nurse to discuss medication protocol.
I called DH and met him at his work and told him. Big sap - he cried. :) We both were worried but excited. We had both started resigning ourselves to just having one child.
Last night after Bible study, I started bleeding. It was a very long, sleepless night. I knew there was nothing I could do. My husband and I prayed, laughed and cried. We ranted and raved. Didn't seem quite "fair" to have found out and then had bad news in a space of hours. Better to have not known and just thought it was a period.
I called the doctor first thing this morning - had an exam and an ultrasound. Thinks look "cautiously okay." There is a fetal sac and the suggestions of a fetal pole. Measuring 5 weeks, 3 days. The doctor could see signs of a subcutaneous hematoma (sp??) where he thinks a blood vessel was disturbed at implantation (causing bleeding). Cervix is closed. I go back in one week and we will hope to see the heartbeat. Until then I am to rest, no exercise, no lifting. I can work but not overdo things. The diagnosis is "threatened miscarriage." Scary sounding.
My meds yesterday didn't stay down. I cut my trileptal in half last night. Then this morning, with everything going on, I just forgot all my meds. I'm getting mixed opinions on the meds. The ambien, xanax and trileptal are all to be dropped. Everyone agrees with that. I'm weaning off the trileptal already. The nurse said effexor was fine. Doc said it was a risk/benefit. Other doc said to get off. So I've got a call into my primary care doctor to get some lower doses and try to wean off. In the meantime, I took 1/2 trileptal and 1 of the effexor. Between missing yesterdays meds, being late today, all the stress, no sleep, no food, and nausea, I'm a basket case. The next week will be very tough with the med adjustment and worry. Oh, and no more painkillers so the recent "let's do both upper and lower at once ortho adjustment" was not a good idea.
For now, I am actually smiling at the nausea. Morning sickness is good, right? Clenching my jaw and holding my hands to stop the shakes. And trying to keep this quiet at work -- although I did tell my assistant. I'm not a good liar and all this coming in late and leaving for appointments was too much.
So.....I'm trying to be optimistic. I'm trying not to worry. I'm trying not to let my brain go to the "worst case scenario." I'm trying to assuage the guilt feelings that are already creeping in - my fault for being on meds; the fact that I've not told my mother; etc. Keep us in your prayers please!