Friday, February 8, 2008

Anger Work

I'm pissed off. I'm mad because of all the crap I went through yesterday only to find out he's doing fine. In fact, they're taking him off the vent today and he is responding to sounds and stuff. He'll be home in a few days. If I have to go through all that turmoil, he ought to have died.

I'm pissed because I'm getting ignored by some relatives. Once again, Mom and her husband are the chosen ones. Ignore my pregnancy news to focus on her. She's the one who chose him. It's her own fault she's alone there.

I'm pissed because of the emails other relatives are sending - like this - "Hurting for your MOM right now, wishing I could be there for moral support & to give her lots of HUGS. Glad Aunt could go & be with her." Emails that imply I should be there with her.

I'm really resisting firing off a nasty email back - "Mom is alone at the hospital because she chose her evil, child molesting, abusive pervert husband over her children. She deserves to be alone. He deserves to die alone. He deserves to suffer long and hard and die alone. No one wants to see him. His own mother chose to live with his ex-wife rather than him. His children have nothing to do with him. His sister cut off all contact with him. Mom and he are finally facing the consequences of their actions. And no I will not go be with her."

Okay, I give myself a 10 for expressing anger. Deduct 5 points for the fact that I now feel guilty for berating a man in the hospital and his wife. Deduct 5 points for the panic attack I have now induced. Leaving me at zero. Shit, I hate this.


Perfect said...

I think we should stick with the "10" for anger work and no deductions. I've seen you use this point system on yourself before and, IMHO, you invalidate the importance of your work when you use it, even if it is done partly in jest. You've gotten in touch with your feelings...scary, angry the moment. You've identified them. You've expressed them. And THAT deserves the 10 with nothing taken away from it. It's huge progress. And sister, you have every right to be angry about it.

Anonymous said...

I agree with perfect.

As for feeling angry with a man in the hospital, count that as positive points for experiencing and expressing a feeling.

As for feeling guilty about it, that's a feeling, too, so it should get positive points as well. Remember, when it comes to feelings, there is no Should.

As for the panic attack, did you induce it on purpose? No, didn't think so. Are you aware of the thoughts and feelings that led to it? Yes, so positive points again.

Well done!

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you didn't take your relatives up on their offers of a one way ticket to a guilt trip.

You're protecting yourself now by holding firm to the boundaries you've established.

You're right: your mom and her hubby made their selfish choices and are reaping what they've sown.

Good for you that you are more in touch with your feelings!


Anonymous said...

I agree with above. Well done you for expressing how you feel. And send the email if you want.

Tina said...

I agree with Perfect... Stick with the "10" for the anger you feel - you FEEL. It doesn't matter is he is 100% healthy in that hospital or teetering towards death. You have a right to feel the anger you do, regardless of his condition.

I know you are hurt that your news is being ignored right now...but I am glad you are not falling into your family's trap yet again. YOU and your sister, to the extent she can, are the ONLY ONES being honest in this situation. YOU are calling it for what it is - the man...No, the weasel...who harmed you is sick and no one wants to be there for him to help. HE and your mother chose their path...and now they get to see what they have to show for that path. Good for you for not playing into that guilt. ;)

Marj aka Thriver said...

Whether Toilet dies anytime soon or not, (BTW, I think that's a perfect name for a perp) you'll have lots more opportunities with your family of origin to be assertive, make your health (and the baby's) a priority and put yourself first. And I encourage you to continue to do so.

I agree with what's been said about feeling the feelings. If you're like me, this is a new thing to practice. It feels scary at first. But, keep up the good work! (((((Enola)))))

Marj aka Thriver said...

Oh yeah, and another thing. I use this test when practicing saying no, being assertive and protecting my boundaries: When asked to do something, I ask myself if the something that will be healing for me, feel good for me, be good practice of healthy skills for me, etc. If I answer "no" to all these questions and the only "reason" left to do the thing is out of imposed guilt and obligation...I DON'T DO IT!

Sometimes, I have to go through this exercise over and over again to stay strong in my decision.

wolf said...

you made the right choices and decisions. You have no reason to feel guilty about your feelings. They are yours and you have every right to them. What he did is wrong. What your mom did even worse.. cause she is your mom and her job is to protect and love you not put herself first. You are an amazing woman who has grown beatiful in spite of living in bad situations. don't knock yourself down so hard lady. Your doing an amazing job of keeping it together. as for your family. if they know why you guys stay away and are acting like this.. they aren't worth it. not one little bit. there not worth your pain.
take care..

Anonymous said...

Ok, you went from 0 to 10 back to 0. That leaves you even. And isn't that what getting rid of anger is all about? God doesn't forbid anger, He gets angry Himself. But He doesn't want us to carry it around. Now, granted, I don't think that you should have "guilted" the anger away, but hey, sometimes you have to fake it to make it.

Enola, you have one of the best wits that I have ever had the pleasure of reading. Keep going, Girl. You are doing great!

cerebralmum said...

Yup. A perfect 10 from me too. Feeling guilty and having a panic attack are not minus points. You've managed the anger in spite of knowing that you'd probably be left with those feelings. That makes your anger so much braver.

And now you have to deal with those. And you are. You know you're feeling that way and you know why. And you know that it isn't because you're the guilty one, even if it doesn't feel that way yet.

{{{{hugs from me as well}}}} I'm proud of you, and excited for you, and I think you're doing an excellent job of taking care of yourself. xx

keepers said...

we think you are still at "10" also, in our opinion you deducted points that should not be deducted, you are justified in your feelings.

hugs to you


Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I am glad you vented and got some of those feelings out. Yet, you’re sounding like an ACOA; giving yourself positive strokes with your right hand and taking them away with your left! May you have a blessed and quiet weekend to recover from all of the shit. OK?

austin said...

No deductions- your indignation is righteous!!! It is valid, it is true. Just because his life is coming to an end doesn't mean you suddenly need to forget all the hell he put you through and rush to his bedside. The thought of it disgusts me.

Why is it that death throws a guilt on the living?

We do not owe abusers the comfort of bedside chatter and well wishes. We simply do not owe them anything.

As adults we now have the right to make life about what is best for us. No one did that for us as abused children. It is our God given right to care for ourselves. It is a God given LAW to care for our families. I'll leave it at that.

Austin - will save some saliva in case you and your sister run out.

Rising Rainbow said...

I'm with the others I don't think you need to deduct any points. It's great that you can express your anger with him. It's ok that you don't feel bad because he is sick, he hurt you. Give yourself a break and take good care of yourself and that baby.