Saturday, February 9, 2008

I Love my Sister - and an update

My Sister has a slightly twisted sense of humor like me. Some may think us disrespectful or mean or twisted. But, in some ways, it helps. And anything that helps is good right now.

Sister insists that when Toilet dies, she is flying down here. We are going to spy on the proceedings to make sure he is really dead. Then have a toast over his grave. We'll also giggle at the fact that there will likely be no one at his service.

We also discussed the fact that the thoughts of anyone doing CPR on this man gross us out. I asked Sister if she would give him mouth to mouth if she were the only one around. She said "Hell, no - I'd spit on him, then say I've forgiven him (only to give myself peace) and tell him to go to hell." I told her that I'd spit on him, tell him to use it to quench his thirst in hell and walk away.

My sister got really ticked off at my Aunt's email and the fact that no relative has said anything about the new baby. And that Grnadpa/Papa's recovery is being overshadowed now too. As well as my niece's illness, for which hospitalization was proposed, but she has now recovered. So she fired off this email back to my Aunt- "Hey,I'm glad that (other) aunt can be with mom right now. This is probably a time you wished you lived closer. Daughter (my niece) is doing much better today. We are getting ready to have (me) and the newest baby :) cant wait to rub the belly and annoy (me) with my swooning over her pregnancy, I am an annoying aunt :) We get to have lots of cake celebrating (my daughter's) bday and new baby cake too How is grandpa making out recovering?"

Last night I finally got an email from my grandparents. One line congratulated me on the pregnancy - then remarked that it was probably not a good idea to tell my daughter yet. Then they said, "We got your email about the same time we heard about (his) heart attack. Yesterday was a rough one for your Mom. Sounds like things are going OK there. Thank goodness."

My sister had asked me if I wanted to know how he was doing and I said yes. I thought it would be okay - and it was - provided it came from her. But updates from mom and from others are triggering. I don't like seeing his name. I don't want to hear thankfulness that he is doing well.

Yesterday was horrible. I've not had panic attacks that bad since the ones that sent me running to counseling in the first place. These are the debilitating ones where I get sick and pass/zone out and lose time. Not a good thing to do at work. I was shaking so bad last night with tremors that my husband wrapped himself around me, trying to get it to stop enough that I wasn't twitching all over the bed and could go to sleep. I finally did doze off and on, but I woke up with every muscle sore from clenching them in an effort to stop shaking. I'm not doing much better today.

I am annoyed by everything lately. My house is a mess - entirely unlike me. Where did the organized, efficient me go? I've never gotten organized after moving here. There are things still packed up. Normally this would drive me crazy. Now I can't get up enough energy to care. I don't even have places for half this stuff. I can't muster up enough care to clean up, do laundry or do anything. I don't get excited about anything. I really don't care about life right now. I just want to lie still and do nothing. Except the shaking/twitching prevents that. I feel like I'm coming out of my skin. I just want to curl up and cry. I'm impatient at everyone, including myself. I snap at my daughter just for acting like a typical 4 year old. I usually have more patience with her. Right now she is in the other room watching Tv - at the other end of the house - for her own good.

Things were so bad last night that all I wanted to do was revert to old coping mechanisms - so much that I lost many minutes starting at sharp objects. I debated calling the hospital/doctor last night, just to see exactly how bad one xanax would hurt. But then that would turn into two and three and more. Also contemplated showing up at the local psych hospital just because it didn't sound all that bad at the moment.

I'm giving myself two more days to get a grip. If not, I'll be talking to the doctor at my appointment on Wed about something to make this better. I'm hoping this is just anxiety from the whole Toilet issue. Or it is coming off the meds and will go away. The thought that I will be like this for long is overwhelming. I can't do this much longer.

I thought maybe I had been on all this medication long enough to be okay off it. Maybe I was "cured" - I guess not.


DM said...

That sounds like you're going through some type of withdrawal. (rather than just a trigger to all the drama w/ your mom)

Tink said...

I love your sister's idea. Want me to join you? I think I could use it too.

I hear you on the not loving life right now- but give yourself a break. You don't have any energy because you are busy creating a miracle! And while all of that is going on inside of you, you are still a mom to a 4 year old, a wife and have a full time job that leaves you emotionally drained. Just writing that makes me tired for you.

We have been in our "new" house for a year already and I feel like we are just settling in now! And I stay home! What do I do all day? We still have boxes in the garage. You will get to it when you can. Relax! I know, easier said than done.

I hope you are feeling better and get through these PAs. Glad DH was there to hold you :)

Hope said...

I'll keep praying for you Enola. Maybe an extended snuggle time with the bible?? Ask your husband to read you a bedtime story?? Wish I could help.

austin said...

Do you do aromatherapy? Try alternative ways to calm yourself. Aromatherapy is subtle but it works for me.

This can't be good. I'm sorry to hear this.


Lynn said...

I don't believe that medication stints, by themselves, can 'cure' people. Poor Enola. This must be so hard for you. It is probably the TIMING of the whole Toilet thing that is making things so much worse for you. What rotten timing. You have enough on your plate without being triggered by something so directly nasty! You know what? I STILL don't have my house together and we moved over two years ago! I fell apart a couple of months after we got into this house and that just wasn't enough time to get the place together. I fear I will never again be as organized as I was before the move. At least not until the children are grown. I'm hoping I'm wrong about that. Organization helps my mental health so much. Even if I'm not wrong, it doesn't mean it will stay this way for you. Everyone's a little different.

Kahless said...

I am sorry you are having such a tough time of it. I hope you can find some extra time to do something nice for yourself.

keepers said...

we think you and your sister are very justified in your feelings about "him" and the other relatives who are feling so sorry for your mom. hang onto each other and someday that toasting celebration will really happen and not a day too soo for someone of his ilk.

peace and blessings


Rising Rainbow said...

I'm sorry that things are hard for you right now. It sounds to me like a combination of things. The withdrawal from the drugs will take a while, I'm sorry to say but it will get better.

Hang in there. Remember one day at a time or even one minute at a time, whatever it takes to bring things down to a more manageable size for you.

Lynx217 said...

Yes it is a combination of the trigger hitting you just as you're starting to come off the meds. The meds only help keep you stable as you try to work through your issues. You may need to go back on them at least to see you through the rough times you're going through right now, but it's something I'd ask your doctor about so the two of you can put together a battle plan. It's never easy when life throws you such sharp curveballs, but rest assured you have plenty of friends! Take care dear and email if ya need a shoulder :)

Social Skills said...

It is possible to learn how to cope with panic attacks with a lot of hard work and perseverance. You can check out, they have all the information that you will need about panic attacks. It definitely helped me, and I can see an improvement in my condition already.

Tina said...

I am sorry you are having such a hard time right now... All of this (with Toilet) is being thrown at you at such the wrong time - so, you are having to deal with one of the most triggering life events WHILE having to come off the meds that were keeping you functioning.

Please don't be too hard on yourself - I have had to do some similar things with not keeping my house as clean as I would like. You are tired from the PG and the scare earlier on with it. You are tired from dealing with Toilet and how your family has chosen to put their priorities. You are just tired...and it is okay.

I would suggest calling your doc today instead of waiting until Wednesday - I know you want to try to give yourself a few days. However, I think it would be better for you in the long run to address it today...especially since you were looking at those sharp objects...which is something you have not done in a while.

Many **hugs** and prayers to you. I will be thinking of you.

** And, two thumbs up to your sister's attitude...and her e-mail! ;) Like telling your family to stick it all where the sun don't shine. ;)