Sister insists that when Toilet dies, she is flying down here. We are going to spy on the proceedings to make sure he is really dead. Then have a toast over his grave. We'll also giggle at the fact that there will likely be no one at his service.
We also discussed the fact that the thoughts of anyone doing CPR on this man gross us out. I asked Sister if she would give him mouth to mouth if she were the only one around. She said "Hell, no - I'd spit on him, then say I've forgiven him (only to give myself peace) and tell him to go to hell." I told her that I'd spit on him, tell him to use it to quench his thirst in hell and walk away.
My sister got really ticked off at my Aunt's email and the fact that no relative has said anything about the new baby. And that Grnadpa/Papa's recovery is being overshadowed now too. As well as my niece's illness, for which hospitalization was proposed, but she has now recovered. So she fired off this email back to my Aunt- "Hey,I'm glad that (other) aunt can be with mom right now. This is probably a time you wished you lived closer. Daughter (my niece) is doing much better today. We are getting ready to have (me) and the newest baby :) cant wait to rub the belly and annoy (me) with my swooning over her pregnancy, I am an annoying aunt :) We get to have lots of cake celebrating (my daughter's) bday and new baby cake too How is grandpa making out recovering?"
Last night I finally got an email from my grandparents. One line congratulated me on the pregnancy - then remarked that it was probably not a good idea to tell my daughter yet. Then they said, "We got your email about the same time we heard about (his) heart attack. Yesterday was a rough one for your Mom. Sounds like things are going OK there. Thank goodness."
My sister had asked me if I wanted to know how he was doing and I said yes. I thought it would be okay - and it was - provided it came from her. But updates from mom and from others are triggering. I don't like seeing his name. I don't want to hear thankfulness that he is doing well.
Yesterday was horrible. I've not had panic attacks that bad since the ones that sent me running to counseling in the first place. These are the debilitating ones where I get sick and pass/zone out and lose time. Not a good thing to do at work. I was shaking so bad last night with tremors that my husband wrapped himself around me, trying to get it to stop enough that I wasn't twitching all over the bed and could go to sleep. I finally did doze off and on, but I woke up with every muscle sore from clenching them in an effort to stop shaking. I'm not doing much better today.
I am annoyed by everything lately. My house is a mess - entirely unlike me. Where did the organized, efficient me go? I've never gotten organized after moving here. There are things still packed up. Normally this would drive me crazy. Now I can't get up enough energy to care. I don't even have places for half this stuff. I can't muster up enough care to clean up, do laundry or do anything. I don't get excited about anything. I really don't care about life right now. I just want to lie still and do nothing. Except the shaking/twitching prevents that. I feel like I'm coming out of my skin. I just want to curl up and cry. I'm impatient at everyone, including myself. I snap at my daughter just for acting like a typical 4 year old. I usually have more patience with her. Right now she is in the other room watching Tv - at the other end of the house - for her own good.
Things were so bad last night that all I wanted to do was revert to old coping mechanisms - so much that I lost many minutes starting at sharp objects. I debated calling the hospital/doctor last night, just to see exactly how bad one xanax would hurt. But then that would turn into two and three and more. Also contemplated showing up at the local psych hospital just because it didn't sound all that bad at the moment.
I'm giving myself two more days to get a grip. If not, I'll be talking to the doctor at my appointment on Wed about something to make this better. I'm hoping this is just anxiety from the whole Toilet issue. Or it is coming off the meds and will go away. The thought that I will be like this for long is overwhelming. I can't do this much longer.
I thought maybe I had been on all this medication long enough to be okay off it. Maybe I was "cured" - I guess not.