Sunday, February 24, 2008

I Need to Whine More

I am not a whiner. It was against the "rules" to be sick, whine or otherwise down in the dumps at my house. First, it allowed you to be taken advantage of. It allowed Toilet to try to minister to you. Second, you couldn't show weakness. When you're sick, there is nothing you want more than to lie around in your pajamas - couldn't do that in my house. Had to at the very least, wear pants or shorts, a top, a bra and socks. Third, sickness equaled money. You could never be sick enough to require medical treatment or any other money expenses.

I consider sickness to be a weakness. It means vulnerability. So while I might mention a detail of a pain or sickness, I'll not let on how bad it really is. Same with my mental health.

Last doctor appt, the doc asked how often I would have taken xanax if I hadn't been pregnant. I gave an honest answer. My husband later asked me why I hadn't told him it was that bad. He was upset that I didn't tell him - he said he would have cancelled his hunting trip if he had known.

This weekend my husband got a sense of how bad the morning sickness is. During the week, I'm at work most days and in the evenings am super busy. He was upset that I hadn't told him. It's not that I lied about it. I just didn't complain about it. He wanted to call the doctor, but I convinced him it is okay to wait until our regular appointment this week. I'm also hoping to actually gain back some of the weight I lost so it won't look TOO bad (there I go minimizing again).

People ask how I am, and the worst I'll admit is "I'm okay." I figure they really don't want to hear me whine. Surely no one really wants the details.

If I were to admit how I REALLY was doing, I'd have to say that I'm nauseous 90% of the time; gagging 50% of the day; actually getting sick 5% of the day; aches and pains 50% of the day; lightheaded/dizzy 75% of the day; tired and rundown 75% of the day; generally apathetic 95% of the day; wanting to crawl under the covers and sleep forever 90% of the day; having vicious mood swings 85% of the day; down in the dumps 55% of the day; thinking of sharp objects 15% of the day; deep breathing 10% of the day; anxious/panicky 25% of the day; crying or trying not too 25% of the day.

So that's it in a nutshell. But ask me to my face and I'll say I'm okay. My husband says I need to whine more. To let him know how I'm REALLY doing. So he can help. Or just listen -- he's s...l...o...w...l...y learning that I sometimes just want a good listener, not a problem solved. So I guess I'll try. It's totally unlike my character. But it would be good to shed some of these problems and let him bear some of the burdens. I did 'fess up to how bad the house repairs (or lack thereof) was stressing me out. And lo and behold he spent most of the day working on one.


The Zoo Keeper said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rising Rainbow said...

I'm sorry that you're not feeling better but I can totally relate to not admitting it is that bad. I've learned over the years that it does't help if I don't let anyone know how I really feel. That doesn't make it any easier. I hope things get easier for you.

Don't worry about getting over thinking I'm fifteen years younger, I'd actually like to be fifteen years younger, so it's fine with me. LOL I guess it goes to show age is just a number. But I am not only a grandmother, I am a great grandmother, twice no less. At this rate, I could end up a great, great, wouldn't that be something.

Hang in there, enola! And BTW I'm glad to hear that your hubs is stepping up. Keep asking him for help, sounds to me he really does want to give it if he can.

wolfbaby said...

I get it I really do. I rarely talk about stuff like that on my blog as I don't have your courage. But I get it. I hope your feeling better soon. I am very glad to hear your hubs has stepped up and is trying to help. Take care, take deep breaths.

btw i rarely comment but i do read every post.

Kahless said...

Please visit JIPs blog; she really needs our support right now.

Anonymous said...

I'm the same way, I can barely bring myself to admit when I'm sick or having a hard time of it emotionally. Then I wonder why people don't take my health problems more seriously!

I hope you start to feel better soon. It sounds as if your hubby is trying to be more sensitive to how you're doing. Hope he keeps that up!


Tina said...

I sure wish you were feeling better. :( Good thing is, this is more temporary...there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I just hope the tunnel is much shorter.

The best thing I saw in this whole post is the 15% of the day thinking of sharp objects - from where you have been, that percentage is VERY LOW and I hope you can be very proud of that. And, that is including weening off your meds. So, when you think you are not doing well - you are. I hope that is an uplift for the day.

I used to be very stoic when sick...still tend to be. However, when I had the bad nausea 24/7 with my PG with DS, I really had to break that habit - called in sick at work, let things go in the house, relied on DH more and more for what I couldn't do. I just couldn't do it - and, coming to that realization was the first step to stop being so stoic about being sick. I am glad your DH is willing to listen, let you while, let you rest. That is very encouraging on his end...that he is not heartless, that he really cares. Take advantage of that - you and the baby need it.


It will pass soon enough. :)

April_optimist said...

I'm so glad your husband wants to know how bad it is and to help.

I understand about minimizing. Many of us, I suspect, were conditioned by our childhoods to associate being sick with vulnerability AND our families not wanting to take us to the doctor. I don't think it was just the expense, either. I suspect it was the fear that the doctor might notice something and realize something was wrong.

(((Hugs))) on all the morning sickness. Been there--it ain't fun.

lawyerchik said...

Enola - I'm so sorry you're still feeling puny with the pregnancy and everything. I'm glad too that your hubs is paying more attention and encouraging you to tell him how you're doing. (Try asking him for weird food combinations to see what he does! :) OK, just kidding....) Hope you feel a little better tomorrow!!