I had T today - first time in 2 weeks. (and I made it 2 wks - go me!) She asked me a very interesting question. I went from "maybe" to "yes" to "I don't know." I decided it was a question worth pondering some more.
Q - If you knew then what you know now, and what it would entail, would you still do it? In other words, would I still choose to start down the road of recovery?
Part of me says "yes" - the part that recognizes the healing that has come out of this process, and the positives that healing has brought. But all "butterfly analogies" aside, the healing has come at a price.
My next thought was that I wish I had done it earlier. Assuming for a minute, that all of this struggle was necessary (and I'll concede for a moment that it may have been), then I wish I had done it at a time when I didn't have my career, a husband and a daughter to also be demanding my attention. T pointed out that my daughter may have been a necessary part of the process. She said that many times victims won't find the push to begin the process until they become mothers. I know that was true with my sister. She actually didn't start things until she had her daughter (second child, first girl). At Sister’s encouragement, I tried to work through things prior to being a mom, but it just didn't "take." I was able to cut off contact with Toilet upon becoming pregnant - definitely a positive outcome of that first attempt. However, it wasn't until I was a mother myself, and felt that surge of mothering instinct, and not again until my daughter, at age two, began really developing her personality, that I was compelled into starting the healing process again.
So assuming the timing was then or never, would I have started down this road, if I had known what lay ahead? If I had known the impact on my marriage, the medications I would have to take, the self-injury that would flare up again much worse than before?
Before I could even begin to contemplate that answer, I had to figure out what this block was in my head. The block that was preventing me from really thinking about that answer. It took me several hours to figure it out. But when it came, it came on strong. Ready?
I FELT MAD, PISSED OFF, IRATE, ENRAGED, TICKED OFF, FURIOUS, INCENSED, RESENTFUL, SEEING RED, ANGRY, FUMING, INDIGNANT, AND VEXED. Why? Because, damnittoallhell, I should not have had to go through this two year (and continuing) process at all. Ever. How’s that for expressing anger?
It took me a little while to figure out what that strange feeling was. And then a bit longer to allow myself to feel it. Then I had to figure out what to do with it. So I am here, writing it out. It’s late and I’m not really into throwing things or screaming – that might wake up my Daughter. At this point I’m just pleased to recognize it.
I am pissed off that I have spent a ton of money, time and energy dealing with this shit. I should not have had too. And because I’m slightly anal, here is my calculation –
Counseling – avg 1 session a week for 2 years – multiplied by my copay = $4,160
Time off work – avg 150 hours (low estimate) missed over 2 years – multiplied by my billing rate = $18,200
Medications – avg $100 a month – multiplied by 2 years = $6,000
Doctor’s appointments – avg 10 over 2 years multiplied by 2 years = $600
Total - $28,960
This does not include my jaw surgery, which was caused, in large part by my tendency to clench my jaw – cost over $30,000.
This does not include missed bonuses – avg $40,000
Does not include cosmetic surgery that would be required to repair scarring damage to legs.
This does not include sleepless nights, damage to marriage relationship, damage to friendships, damage to relationship with daughter, missed opportunities or pain and suffering.
I almost want to send them a bill. Just to make a point. I feel like I’ve lost two years of my life. Where the primary focus has been on healing – not on living. I don’t know how you ever get that back.
This is the point at which my anger denigrates into utterly filth language and is no longer productive. (add learning to deal with anger without an overwhelming need to have it be productive to my list of things to deal with). So…I’ll stop….for now.
5 comments:
Oh, does this feel familiar! I remember my anger realizing what "healing" was costing me. The only reason I kept at it was that the cost of not healing would have been even higher.
My t let me lead the way and that was good. When he would ask what was ahead, I kept saying, I can only see one step or two--which was a GOOD thing because the reality would have terrified me!
Looking back, I'm glad I didn't know what it would take to heal. I'm also glad I stuck it out and did the work. NOW I'm able to be happy. NOW I'm able to create the life I want to have. NOW I'm able to feel safe and strong and confident. That couldn't have happened if I hadn't made my healing journey.
"I almost want to send them a bill."
You can! File a lawsuit. I filed one on behalf of my son, and I won it for him, too. The court had no mercy on that unconscionable, child-molesting pig. I was even able to spare my boy having to be involved and needing to testify. I was very glad for that, as he was still a minor then. I didn't really know what was down the road for my boy at the time, as his problems were just beginning. If I hadn't done that, either my son would have probably ended up homeless, or my husband and I would have been driven into bankruptcy trying to save him. Yeah. It would have been that second one.
As horrible as the abuse and its aftermath have been for my son, he has taken comfort many times in knowing that society as a whole spoke up for him and took his side through the court system.
I can FEEL some of your anger...!!!!!!!!yea...For entirely different reasons/ circumstances When I was your age I found myself also stuffing everything ..and like a "good Christian" just kept plodding along until one night...the cork blew off....and all hell broke loose (out of my mouth)...suddenly I was in touch w/ what I really felt about my situation..and I just let it rip.....Enola..some people will call me a heretic..but @ this point in my life..I would call it some of the most honest praying and conversation with God I've ever done before or since....
Therapy is an interesting process. I’ve been in and out of it for over 30 years, counting the sessions required for me to become a therapist.
One thing I learned from my own experiences and the experiences of others is that out issues seem to be structured in the form of a spiral. People seem to deal with the same issues again and again, but each time at a higher level than the time before.
Another analogy is that we seem to peal off layers of defenses as if we were pealing an onion down to its core. And, as with pealing an onion, we often have tears in our eyes as we discard each layer.
Yes, I would do it all again—all 30+ years of it.
Stick in there, my dear Enola. At least from my experience, each tear eventually leads to a smile and a lot of laughter!
I'm really afraid to add up my uninsured financial costs. Whew! That would be way too scary. But it does take a toll, doesn't it? But, you're worth it, Enola. I'm so glad you invested in the healing journey.
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