Knowing Then What I Know Now, Would I Still Do It? (part 2)

(part 1 here)

Would I have done it? Started down this road? I have never really thought about this. I always thought that I didn't have a choice. The anxiety and panic attacks that drove me to seek counseling were beyond my coping ability. Really, I probably could have stuffed them a bit longer – lived in my world of denial for some more years. Looking back, it is a good thing that I didn't see any other option but to get help. If I had stopped to think about things, I probably would have gotten stuck in that thought process and not ever have gone forward. As it was, I started out reluctantly, thinking that I had no other choice.

Objectively, I’m probably a healthier person. I’m more in touch with reality. I feel a whole range of emotions and no longer live in numb. I live a more balanced work-home life. I don’t really feel healthier though. I am certainly better than I was when IN the process. But I don’t necessarily feel better than I did before the process.

Before this process, I worked really hard and I was good at it. I was the superstar. I did it all, and quite well (ignore, for a moment, the cost to me, because at that point I didn’t realize there was a cost to me). I faked happiness and other emotions quite well. My husband didn’t know the difference. I lived less in the here-and-now of life’s reality. I accomplished more. I think people like the “old me” better. I know my husband does. I know work does. I think they would rather I have continued down that path. However, I’m not so sure how long I could have done it. Honestly if I could have continued doing that indefinitely, I probably would have just done that, and not have started this process. Life in the land of denial was not all that bad. The problem is that you can’t live there forever (perhaps, unfortunately). And when reality started creeping in, my choice was to move forward or get shoved back.

If the choice is between living in the state I was in when reality started creeping in OR moving forward in the recovery process, I’d have to choose moving forward. Huddled on the bathroom floor, sick from panic attacks, or stuck in the land of comatose living, for the rest of my life is simply not an option.

If the choice is between going back to the pre-healing, life was good even if I was faking it time, OR proceeding forward, I might choose to fake it. I wasn’t quite happy, but I wasn’t quite sad/depressed either. Or maybe denial was just stronger than my realization. I know that everyone around me was happier. And having grown up with a mother that sacrificed NOTHING for her family, I am the first to throw myself on the train tracks for my husband or child. So living in denial/numbness for their sake is a no-brainer. I’d do it in a heartbeat.

My husband, daughter and I are off – an 8 hour car drive. Lots of time, while daughter naps (cross my fingers) to ask my husband about this subject. I’m curious to get his thoughts.