Angry? Sad? Hurt? Upset?
Who Me?
Yes You.
Couldn't be?
Then who?
It finally struck me that the tight, constricted feeling I was having was not indigestion or even Braxton Hicks, but anger mostly. My friend Perfect practices anger work (well, okay, her T makes her do it!). I have seen good results in her, but I still haven't tried it myself. I tell myself it just sounds silly - and besides, I'm not an angry person and I don't need it. Me - Angry? Emotional? Of course not. I don't get angry. Or sad. Or hurt. I'm tough.
Sure........I tend to really stuff it down until I just can't take it anymore. With pregnancy and the heat in my house (AC is still not fixed), my emotions are bubbling to the surface a lot more. During the past sleepless nights, I've been half-awake/half-dreaming. I do my best thinking and planning during those stages. My defenses are down, for the most part, and my mind is free to go directions I usually don't let it go.
I have still not heard anything from my mother. I did have a brief nightmare of running into her on my weekend trip, but that didn't happen. I also "dreamed" (not sure what to really call it) of finding out that my mom had been on a vacation of sorts, or otherwise done something involving spending $$. My reaction was an infuriated, not thought out, not edited blasting of her by email about how she again chose [whatever] over me. I woke up mad, but realizing that in many ways it was true. She has chosen to continue her drinking, smoking, satellite TV watching, cell phone owning lifestyle - even if it means not having gas money to meet up with her daughters.
All day I pondered the meaning of my dream. I think that in many ways I am coming closer to not wanting any relationship with my mother. I don't think she is capable of giving me anything I want or need. I don't enjoy any interactions with her. I get nothing out of our relationship. I do it out of guilt, hope that she will change, and a fear of cutting off a tie to my extended family. I don't really like my extended family either, but mom and her side is really all I have left. I also realize that it would be far easier for me to actually cut off contact with mom if provoked. If there was an incident to "justify" (as if the past is not enough??) giving her the boot.
When I spoke with my Sister on Sunday, she mentioned talking to Mom. Sister said the conversation was strained and forced. Mom did not mention anything at all about the emails back and forth. However, Mom did say that her email had been down since late Wednesday. Her computer is having issues. She got off the phone really quickly because one of the "kids" from work was supposed to call - Mom was going to see if the kid could come by and fix it. My Sister and I are amazed and horrified that my mother is having anyone come to the house - her house is an absolute pig-sty and I can't even imagine what Toilet is like these days, having been stuck in the house with no need to shower or otherwise do anything to make himself presentable. While I realize this "kid" is probably close to being an adult/or a young adult, there is a level of fear in the thought of any "kid" being in their house. The other night, in my "dream-like" state, I wondered if Mom was having to pay this kid to come by and fix her computer.
The next morning I realized that I hadn't sent my general update email. I try to send a generic "hi, we're still alive" email to my aunts, uncles and grandmother every 3-4 weeks or so. I updated about my trip to my sisters, the pregnancy and life in general. I mentioned that I had gotten my laptop fixed and that it was the "best $40 I ever spent". I also mentioned what we had been doing lately and that I anticipated not travelling for awhile, as driving for long distances (any sitting for long distances) is very uncomfortable. I also updated about the baby and the swelling I've been experiencing, especially with the heat and lack of AC.
So, okay I was being a bit defensive about remarks I imagined Mom might have made about my refusing to drive all the way to her town. And trying to determine if Mom had paid $$ to have her computer fixed. Why? Because I want an excuse to be mad at her.
I got a response from my grandmother (mom's mom) that gave me a reason to be angry. My grandmother emails only when I email her. (my remarks in red)
Hi. What a nice surprise to have your long email!! (dig - we don't often get long emails from you) You are two really busy people, for sure! We hadn't heard that you were flying up to see Sister. Bet that was fun. When do they expect BIL home--we hadn't heard that. (you talk to my mother every day at least 2x by email and every week by phone - does she not tell you anything? I know darn well she mentioned our trip and when BIL is expected home. But you just had to get a dig in about how ~I~ didn't update you) Hope that happens soon. ........We are doing pretty good for old folks. Grandpa will be 82 this month (26th) & I'm 80, so we have slowed down alot. (yes I know - I do have it on my calendar. I do send you cards every year. Is this a dig because I didn't send an anniversary card this year?) .......Guess you TALK to your mom now that her computer is down. (No I don't TALK - what's with the caps? - to Mom. She hasn't called me and w sure don't talk every day) We miss her emails for sure & use the phone now & then, too. (Emails? Plural? I'm lucky to get one every 2 weeks - not 2 a day like you.) All for this time. Love & hugs to each of you. Grandma & Grandpa.
I resisted the urge to write back and gush all over the fact that I received more than a 2 line email from them. Of course I always get an email from them a few days in advance of their upcoming anniversary or birthdays, I guess to remind me of those dates.
I was preparing for a court hearing (Review) that is scheduled this week. I was successful in having a deadbeat locked up for failing to pay his alimony. He's been in jail 45 days and it's time for his review. He whined and gave a pity story about not having being able to work, not having a job and not having any money. In the meantime, my client is living in a home which will be foreclosed upon soon, has no electricity, no phone and gets food from a food bank. She is also working 2 jobs. So this was my line of questioning -
I notice you have a cell phone on you.? Why is that necessary given that you don't work and are at home all day where there is a land line? (Toilet has a cell phone despite being home all day).
I notice you have a square pack of something in your pocket. Are those cigarettes? You can continue to buy 2 packs a day? (Mom and Toilet smoke)
I notice your bank records reflect charges at the liquor store. You can continue to drink (mom and Toilet drink)
You have emailed my client. Your bills show high-speed internet and satellite. (Mom and Toilet have satellite TV and internet)
So in other words, you have a cell phone which is unnecessary, you sit around drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes, watching your cable TV and surfing the internet in your air conditioned house, while my client...............
In my fantasies, it's mom that I'm cross-examining. In some ways, I want to find out that mom has spent money on something like a vacation or other purely fluff item. I really want to throw it up in her face. On a deeper level, I realize that says I still have a lot of unresolved issues to deal with when it comes to her.
9 comments:
It sure does make it easier to break off all contact with our mothers when they do something that helps us justify doing so.
I know that I myself needed a justification to end my relationship with my mom---as if her not protecting me as a child, and the way she's consistently not been there for me since isn't reason enough.
The last time I saw my mother, she played right into my hands. She couldn't have been more cruel and insensitive if she stayed awake nights for weeks, plotting how best to insult me. (I'm often wondered if she didn't do just that, purposely hit every sore spot so that I'd end our relationship and by doing so end up the bad guy. Then she got to be the poor victim who just didn't understand why I would do such a thing!)
It sounds like you're just plain worn out with all your mother issues. I don't blame you a bit. You have to ask yourself if what it costs to continue this relationship is worth what you're getting out of it. From what I can see, that's not much--or nothing. But only you can make that judgment call.
I'm sorry your mother hasn't changed in all these years. I've experienced (and am still experiencing) the devastation that comes from knowing my mother would rather lose me forever than do anything to change her ways.
Its hard to break off contact but can be great not to have the crap in your life. I think it is healthy too to cut out poison from our lives.
Good list of questions, counselor. Let me know when the hearing is and if it will be available on closed-circuit. :) (KIDDING!! Not that the questions aren't good - they are, and you make very valid points - but I was kidding about the closed-circuit). :)
I was going to say, though, that sometimes with parents, you kind of have to let them have it, especially when they're wrong. I have done that a couple of times, and a) it felt good (guilty for a while, but that feeling wasn't fatal), and b) it provoked good discussions with my parents.
I've done this a couple of times with both of them, and after they got over the mad/hurt/pushing buttons phase, they listened. If they hadn't, we would still be not talking..... But they did, and it actually made my relationship with them better.
Particularly since the scope of the questions demonstrates the underlying issue, which is that if your mom really about things cared like she says she does, she would make choices that would let her do what she says she wants to do. Instead, her choices demonstrate that her words and her actions lack congruence, and therefore, cannot be reliable.....
But that's easy enough to acknowledge/recognize - it's harder to acknowledge or recognize that mother chooses something else over her children.
Sending you big HUGS today, Enola. I would be glad to let you share my mom!
bd wrote:"It sure does make it easier to break off all contact with our mothers when they do something that helps us justify doing so."
It does. It really does. I got my out when my mother destroyed a painting I gave her and lied to me about it the day I gave her a forgiveness letter. It didn't undo the forgiveness, but like Kahless points out, cutting out the poison can be healthy. It's just incredibly difficult to make that sort of break with family. I've done it with all family except my sisters and their children and even that is becoming more limited.
I'm sorry you're going through all of this. Does pregnancy make the mother "stuff" harder to endure? I wonder, not having children, what it's like to be a mom and be pregnant and trying to cope with disappointment with one's own mother.
I guess I'm the only one who wonders if her computer is really on the blink? Since that was the day that you all communicated and the next day, still an off day for her, she showed as being logged into IM. If her computer was broken & still is, I guess it shows her as still being logged in. So is it?
I feel like your grandmother capitalized "TALK" as a hint for you to pick up the telephone and call your mother. The story goes that your mother's computer isn't working so you are supposed to say, "Talk, that's right, that's what people did before computers, what a great idea!" and call her. Because I guess you're the only one who can pick up a telephone and dial someone's(as in your mother's) phone number. Yeah, right.
So I wonder how long it will take before she breaks down and either calls or e-mails you?
As hard as things are for me right now, I cannot image how much more difficult they would be if I still had deceitful manipulators in my life. I would probably lose it and go off on someone. It's better this way.
I give you the benefit of the doubt, knowing that you know your family members and your history with them a whole lot better than I do.
In my own therapy we're trying to talk about to what extent my perceptions and interpretations about other people are really just projections of stuff I've internalized from the past... I assume that you are aware of the possibilities of projecting and that you can tell when you are and when you aren't.
Enola,
Don't let other peoples own issues put confused thoguhts in your mind.
You know your mother took the side of your abuser.
You know that she is a manipulator.
It isn't in your head.
Believe your own feelings. They are truth.
Prochakas - I'm not sure what you mean by projecting, but I can assure you I don't have to project any bad motives onto my mother. She takes care of that all on her own, master manipulator that she is.
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