Seen v. Is - an Update to my DH vent

Let me update and let you in on what I've been thinking about since my last posting, especially in light of some of the comments I received -

Angel mentioned in her comment that maybe I regretted turning down some opportunities. I felt a flare of anger (just in general, not at Angel) and thought about clarifying what I had written. I didn't have time to write immediately, and had time to think for awhile. Jealousy is an emotion I will not easily admit too. And I realised that my anger was because Angel had inadvertently hit on something (more about that in a bit).

Well, last night was the big church meeting. It turns out that there are some major plans to re-vamp our Sunday school classes - not all of which I am in favor of. DH isn't overly enthused about all the changes either. He and the other sub were asked to co-teach a class. The other sub said No - he couldn't commit to anything more than what he was doing now. DH said he'd like too, but September might be a bit tough. (my due date is the END of September). But he pretty much commited to teaching in some form or fashion.

I was mad. When we got home, DH & I exchanged some words. I said that from my perspective he intended to continue hunting, working out (which he finally agreed he'd have to stop doing in the morning, but refuses to give up so he'll just take longer, unpaid, lunches and go then), some sort of Bible study class, and add in teaching. I told him that was a lot of commitments. He said "well you have commitments too." I explained that I had either already cut, or would be cutting everything for a few months after I delivered, and probably longer since I intend to breastfeed. Handbells takes a break for the summer and I've already told the director I won't be back at least until after the holidays. My Bible study breaks for the summer and I'm skipping the fall semester. I have taken a leave of absence from the Board I serve on and told them I won't be at meetings at least through December. I am not on any church committees that have regular meetings, and I refused to get involved in the committee which is taking over the children's church stuff (our children's minister has resigned) even though I ran that program right after DD was born. I also haven't worked out in months and know that won't happen any time soon. I asked DH what "commitments" he was referring too and he mentioned my T appointments - which are now bi-weekly. He said "that's a huge commitment you need to think about dropping." Well, THAT pissed me off so I locked myself in the bathroom for awhile. Luckily we have quite a large hot water tank so I was able to sit under a hot shower and cry for a long time. Luckily I'm fat and pregnant and it was too hard to get up out of the tub (and I'd be damned if I called DH for help at that point) so the razors I really wanted access too were in the linen closet and out of reach. I settled for tracing scars with fingernails. My almost 10 month-SI-free reign about ended last night (and yes I will try to address that urge at my next T appt).

So anyway, back to the jealousy part. I realized that I am jealous - and angry. Initially I tried to do it all, be it all - super-wife, super-mom, super-employee. I about killed myself in 2005 after my daughter was born. And the next year found myself in counseling with major panic attacks. I have cut back a lot since then. I'm better for it. My family is better for it. The anxiety/panic/depression knocked me down a few pegs and made me realize I was not as strong and invincible as I thought. This pregnancy has knocked me down a few more. I am just not able to handle everything I used too. So yes, I am jealous that while I've had to cut back a lot, my DH is just taking on more and more. I'm jealous that he manages this stuff (well, sort of). I'm angry at the burden it puts on me. And angry that he doesn't recognize that burden. And angry at myself for enabling him - like reminding him of meetings when he forgets.

I love being privileged enough to be pregnant and nourish a growing baby. But I'm jealous that DH is able to do a lot of things I can't do anymore - hike, exercise, sleep on his stomach. Things he takes for granted.

So after I left the shower (while our hot water supply is long, it is not endless), I went into bed. I was exhausted. DH came in and asked if we could talk. He apologized for his comment about my giving up my T-commitment. He said he knew that would make me mad and that is why he said it. I sarcastically thanked him for (1) recognizing what would piss me off, (2) recognizing my vulnerability and (3) using it against me anyway. He apologized again but didn't say his usual "forgive me?" which is good because I wasn't ready to at that point.

He really wants to teach. He says it gives him fulfillment. The same things he says about hunting. If he gives it up, he says he will be resentful. Something sparked inside of me at that, but the connection wasn't realized until later.

So the connection made today was this - my mother resented every sacrifice she made. She did nothing much except work and watch TV. She resented every other thing she did for us and didn't hesitate to remind us. My father, on the other hand, was involved in everything. The perfect volunteer firefighter, even rising to chief. President of the charity motorcycle riding group. To the public he was awesome - little did they know that he didn't have any time for us children. Appearances were everything to him. I want better for my children -- parents that don't resent sacrifices they make; parents that are willing to refrain from doing everything for their own personal gain, while ignoring their children.

When DH says he resents being asked to give up things, it steps on my toes. How dare he not WANT to give things up for his daughter - and soon-to-be son? How dare it be all about HIM and HIS needs.

I reminded DH of the fact that I have given up a lot over the past months of pregnancy -- working out, my body, my medications, what I can eat, what I can drink, my energy level, cut back on a TON of things. All of that will continue. With nursing, I won't be able to really diet. I will have to restrict what I eat and drink. I am restricted on what medications I can take. I told DH that it was a pain at times. And yes, I do have moments where I don't especially like doing it. I do have pangs of longing for what I've given up. But I recognize that the rewards are GREAT. I told DH that I did not see that giving up hunting for a few months, giving up teaching for a few months or other sacrifices were too much to ask. I requested that he plan to do nothing other than work and family until January 1st. At that point I'll be back at work and the Baby will be in daycare. I told him I knew there'd be some adjustment until we all got in a work-daycare routine. Once we feel like we have a grip, then we can look at the things we are really missing and make efforts to add them back in.

He's not happy about it. He didn't agree to my request. He did agree not to take on any permanent teaching role for a "little while" after our son is born.

I did point out to him that I wished he would display the leadership skills he displays at church in our home. Take on some more management of our house and especially make more of an effort to lead some family devotional times. He acknowledged that he hadn't been doing as he should in those areas and committed to doing better.

So all in all - I have laid it all on the table to him. Well, except for the fact that his "resentment at sacrificing" steps on my toes. I need to deal with that for myself first - great T topic for next time, I do think. DH still doesn't agree with me. I think he is underestimating the effect having baby #2 is going to have on us. He thinks I'm over-exaggerating it. I do hope he is right, but I fear that I am. At this point I see two options - (1) argue, fuss, fight and disagree for the next 2 months until Baby gets here. (2) Let it go for now and address it again, if and when, he does take on more and more stuff and is unable to manage everything after this Baby gets here.

I also have to take into account that my hormones are totally whacked. Me, cry? Every day this week? What's up with that? I've cried more this week than I have in years. I'm feeling - and recognizing - emotions that I've not experienced or acknowledged in YEARS. Sadness, jealousy, anger, resentment - and vulnerability which is an icky one. I'm sure this is a good thing in the long run. Right now it's just a bit overwhelming and uncomfortable.