I think that statement is profound. She says she "hates that she doesn't know" - that's a biggie for me. The "not knowing" and the being deprived of the opportunity to see who I would have been without the abuse in my life.
I think I would have been a gentler person. I probably would be more open and willing to share my true feelings -- less guarded, less jaded. I wonder if I would be as tough - sometimes that toughness serves me well. I wonder what kind of job I would be doing? I think a very large reason I am in the field I'm in, is because of the life I led. Not just the abuse, but the after-effects of my parents' separation and divorce. Seeing just how severely a parent's decision affects a child.
I, too, hate that I can't know.....
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There are some things that I do know. I wouldn't be terrified most of the time. I'd be able to work the way I want to and not only in whatever way I can manage at any given time. Having sex with my husband would not derail my life for days on end. I wouldn't start having a panic attack in the grocery store just because a man is waking behind me. I wouldn't have flashbacks. There are lots of things I know.
This is one aspect of child abuse that angers me the most: exactly what it says on that postcard.
I agree with everything Lynn said, but there's also the anger at what I could have been. At the very least, I could have been a singleton.
Ditto Lynn. I know I wouldn't still be shaking 2 1/2 hours after my ortho appt.
The not knowing...yes. I obsess on that a lot, even as I move forward, and maybe even more so as I make progress. I don't know if I'd go back and undo it all even if I could, which may sound bizarre, but even with the awful long-lasting effects of abuse, I have this sort of a feeling that life happens in ways that help us develop the skills we need to fulfill our purpose...whatever that may be.
But yeah, I'd still like to know too.
Wow - that was powerful. I often wonder what life would be like, but don't think that I'd trade the past 10 years for anything. I'm very independent and driven in what I do. No one can tell me what they think I cannot do. I can survive/live through everything.
Even flashbacks, body memories, my perpetrator's words in my head, pain, feeling unsafe all the time, etc.
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