Friday, September 12, 2008

Ouch - Pain and Triggers - Be Gone with You

Ouch! I went to work this morning for a meeting which finished around lunch. I had been a bit crampy and just not feeling great. As I drove to pick up a salad, the pain got pretty intense. Instead of going back to the office, I decided to come on home. I ate and laid down and things intensified. I wasn't sure if it was a UTI or labor pains.

Back story - My daughter was born in an ice storm. My husband and I finally got out and to the doctor. They sent me on to the hospital for fear of us getting iced in when the roads re-froze - I was overdue by 10 days then. I was having contractions when I arrived - I hadn't known. I was given cervadil (for dilation) and an IV so that I would sleep through the night. Had a bad reaction to that. They then broke my water, things progressed quickly. I had an epidural and things progressed really fast after that. I never had any pre-labor signs. Very few Braxton Hicks. Never anything intense. And given the IV drugs followed by the epidural, I gratefully don't remember much of the beginning stages of labor.

So all that to say that I have no idea what pre-labor feels like - or what to expect. After a lunch filled with 20 trips to the bathroom, continued looks to make sure there wasn't a baby on it's way out (the pressure was that intense) and intense cramps, I called the Midwife. I was convinced it was a UTI. And since it's Friday I knew that if I waited, I'd definitely end up with a UTI over the weekend when there are no office hours.

My thought was that I could just run over and have a urine culture run. But the midwife was in and free and so we chatted. Culture is clear of any signs of a UTI. She decided to check and I'm more dilated. Baby's heart rate is good. He is sitting lower - I've lost more weight and am measuring lower. He is sitting entirely on my left side - the right side of my stomach is virtually flat. So he's directly on my bladder. Midwife said this is a good sign, but cautioned that it could be hours, days or weeks.

I picked up my daughter and met Husband at home. We all went to eat and then to a few stores. I was miserable by the end, but hoped the walking would spur things along. I came home and crawled into the bathtub. That helped some with the pain.

I can handle the cramping. I can handle contractions. I can handle frequent bathroom trips. I can handle stomach tightening. I can handle back spasms. I can handle indigestion type pain. I can handle the nausea. I can NOT handle the knife-like, stabbing pains between my legs.

Ouch. Not only do they hurt, but they trigger. Cause flashbacks of prior causes of similar pain. I was beginning to panic sitting there in the bathtub. I was getting very panicky and alternating between upset and mad.

NO - NO WAY. You will not take this from me. You will not enter into this picture at all. I do not want you associated with my birth process or my wonderful son at all. OUT - be GONE.

I remembered the moments after my daughter was born. The excitement and joy. The first prayer my Husband and I had with her. All the joy. I brought those images to mind - concentrated on them. With the next stabbing pain, I concentrated on those images. Associated those images with the pain - replacing the images from the past. This pain is not going to have a bad ending. It will result in good. It will have a purpose - a purpose in bringing joy to my life.

I am determined that my past will NOT enter into this labor process. I WILL NOT LET IT! I am stubborn - hear me you memories, mind, flashbacks, anxiety, panic - you will NOT WIN.


Angel said...

Good for you! Keep repeating that.

Lynn said...

No, they won't win, Enola. You win. You rock. Just keep doing your best. It sounds to me like you are doing a great job!

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Good! Leave the past in the past; take only love with you as your child is born.

My blessings and prayers are, of course, with you.

Beauty said...

The past has no business intruding on what should be a joyous time for you and your little fam.

You're right that this pain in the here and now will have a purpose, a joyful purpose. Keep focusing on that!

16 blessings'mom said...

Oh Enola, keep fighting that fight in your mind, don't let that %@*$$ rob you of this joy. I am praying for you with all of my heart that you can have peace through this time.


Tamara said...

You go! The past will not win. This will be the beautiful, joyful time that it is supposed to be. My prayers and thoughts are with you.


Strong and determined said...

I admire your strength and determination. (((Enola))) You go, girl!

Maia said...

Hang in there Enola. Take care!

keepers said...

you are doing so good, so well, in keeping in control and your whole attitude. thinking of you and sending you safe hugs