Ouch! I went to work this morning for a meeting which finished around lunch. I had been a bit crampy and just not feeling great. As I drove to pick up a salad, the pain got pretty intense. Instead of going back to the office, I decided to come on home. I ate and laid down and things intensified. I wasn't sure if it was a UTI or labor pains.
Back story - My daughter was born in an ice storm. My husband and I finally got out and to the doctor. They sent me on to the hospital for fear of us getting iced in when the roads re-froze - I was overdue by 10 days then. I was having contractions when I arrived - I hadn't known. I was given cervadil (for dilation) and an IV so that I would sleep through the night. Had a bad reaction to that. They then broke my water, things progressed quickly. I had an epidural and things progressed really fast after that. I never had any pre-labor signs. Very few Braxton Hicks. Never anything intense. And given the IV drugs followed by the epidural, I gratefully don't remember much of the beginning stages of labor.
So all that to say that I have no idea what pre-labor feels like - or what to expect. After a lunch filled with 20 trips to the bathroom, continued looks to make sure there wasn't a baby on it's way out (the pressure was that intense) and intense cramps, I called the Midwife. I was convinced it was a UTI. And since it's Friday I knew that if I waited, I'd definitely end up with a UTI over the weekend when there are no office hours.
My thought was that I could just run over and have a urine culture run. But the midwife was in and free and so we chatted. Culture is clear of any signs of a UTI. She decided to check and I'm more dilated. Baby's heart rate is good. He is sitting lower - I've lost more weight and am measuring lower. He is sitting entirely on my left side - the right side of my stomach is virtually flat. So he's directly on my bladder. Midwife said this is a good sign, but cautioned that it could be hours, days or weeks.
I picked up my daughter and met Husband at home. We all went to eat and then to a few stores. I was miserable by the end, but hoped the walking would spur things along. I came home and crawled into the bathtub. That helped some with the pain.
I can handle the cramping. I can handle contractions. I can handle frequent bathroom trips. I can handle stomach tightening. I can handle back spasms. I can handle indigestion type pain. I can handle the nausea. I can NOT handle the knife-like, stabbing pains between my legs.
Ouch. Not only do they hurt, but they trigger. Cause flashbacks of prior causes of similar pain. I was beginning to panic sitting there in the bathtub. I was getting very panicky and alternating between upset and mad.
NO - NO WAY. You will not take this from me. You will not enter into this picture at all. I do not want you associated with my birth process or my wonderful son at all. OUT - be GONE.
I remembered the moments after my daughter was born. The excitement and joy. The first prayer my Husband and I had with her. All the joy. I brought those images to mind - concentrated on them. With the next stabbing pain, I concentrated on those images. Associated those images with the pain - replacing the images from the past. This pain is not going to have a bad ending. It will result in good. It will have a purpose - a purpose in bringing joy to my life.
I am determined that my past will NOT enter into this labor process. I WILL NOT LET IT! I am stubborn - hear me you memories, mind, flashbacks, anxiety, panic - you will NOT WIN.