Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Self-Injury - No more Cutting

WAS - I love that verb tense.

Today marks my one year anniversary of being SI free. I last cut on September 16, 2007. It wasn't easy stopping. There were bumps along the road. It took 47 days to throw away all my "tools." That was the real turning point. That is when I realized that ~I~ was in control and not my self-injury.

I've had temptations. On one occasion I know I would have cut if I'd have had a razor blade in the house (other than a disposable one which I tried unsuccessfully to take apart). Another day I tried - but the paint scraper razor blade was too dull.

I do have safety pins in my house now. That came about 1 month ago when I purchased some used baby clothes at a consignment sale and the sales price was safety pinned to the garment. I thought about whether it was safe to keep those in the house and decided it was okay.

I think the turning point came when I realized that the only thing I was doing was inflicting more harm and hurt on myself, rather than helping myself heal. SI worked in the moment, but long-term it just made the pain worse. Instead of moving forward I was pulling myself backward.
I will probably always struggle with urges but I hope that they will fade with time. For today though, I'm celebrating.


Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Congratulations on your anniversary, dear Enola. I did not know that self-injury was part of your history. I am so glad that you have chosen the path of healing.

Blessings and many hugs!

Lynn said...

'Was' is a very good word here.

I stopped when I had the same realization. I'd heard people express similar sentiments before, but they were just empty words to me. When I actually felt them to be true, then I stopped. I'm glad you stopped, too.

beauty said...

Major congrats on your one year anniversary!

I can't believe it's been this long since I last read about you cutting...I'm proud that you've accomplished this--it's no small triumph!

DM said...

YEA!!!...if you weren't pregnant and lived closer, I would take you out for coffee to celebrate.

Marj aka Thriver said...

CONGRATS, FANTASTIC JOB! Thanks for raising awareness about SI and for being such a wonderful role-model for ending self-injury.

I'm glad you have this happy/deserve-to-be-proud distraction from waiting for baby. My son was late and I was counting kicks (sucked). But, he was originally due on Christmas day, and I'm glad he ended up being a New Year's Day baby! :)

Tamara said...

Congrats, Enola! That is so wonderful! I LOVE hearing stories of people healing from abuse. It proves the abuse does not win - WE DO!!!


Emily said...

Enola, I ventured over from DM's blog ... and I just wanted to say ... CONGRATS on this anniversary! My sister was a 'cutter' ... she did it to NOT feel the emotional pain of it all ... I can imagine that is where your 'cutting' stemmed from ... nonetheless, it takes a strong person to first admit they have a problem, and second, to do something about it! You should be proud that you did something about it! And, it looks like you're on your way to becoming a mother as well! Good luck! Many blessings to you! Sincerely ... ~Emily

austin said...

heck yes! I am so proud of you ~E~

Kahless said...

Congratulations Enola.
I wish I could stop my hair pulling.