I am trying to find the balance between working too much and not working enough. Between continuing to recover from pregnancy/birth and being lazy. Between enjoying snuggles with my son and being too lazy to do anything besides lay on the couch with him. No matter where I fall on the spectrum I struggle with feelings of "not enough."
When Sister and I talk about our low self-esteem, we always talk about my father. He was horrible about comparing us. Sister was the "pretty one" but would "be so much prettier if she just dressed like a lady." I was the "smart one" but could "do better if I just tried harder." Growing up I was in the gifted and talented programs. There were typically 15 or so children in the classes. I was usually ranked 13th or so. I couldn't take pleasure for having made it to the G&T class or honors class. Rather I beat myself up for not being higher-ranked. In college, I took all my pre-req classes on an honors level and chose a difficult major. Instead of being pleased with my A/B average, I was upset for not graduating in the top 10 percent. I did graduate near the top of my law class. But it wasn't enough - I was upset that I didn't get offered a job with a big-tiered firm. My father pointed out all these things.
I've been reflecting lately on where this low self-esteem may have come from. I want to be sure I do not inadvertently pass it on to my children. My daughter has started making comments about how "she can't be Hannah Montana because she's not blond" and other innocent comments. But I want her to know she can be anything she wants.
Then I opened my email and the lightbulb went off. Sister and I chatted on the phone the other day and she asked if I'd email some new pictures of Baby. I said "sure" and so when I figured out my new camera, I did just that. I took three with the new camera and sent them to Mom and Sister - one of Baby, one of Daughter and one of Husband holding Baby.
I got a return email - Loved the pictures....need to see more...Would've been nice to see one of Mama, too.
My first thought - is anything ever good enough for you? My emails are too short - not enough details - missing something - whatever. All of a sudden I could hear comments she has made in the past. All sorts of comments like this. For instance, when I mentioned going to a breastfeeding group she said, "well I would have thought it would be more for first time moms." Which made me question whether I should go, instead of just enjoying myself and going. If I dare to complain, she diminishes my complaints as being frivolous. It's been like that for years.
Now I need to get beyond this. And figure out how to convince my daughter that she can be anything she wants.......well maybe not Hannah Montanna - I'm not into all that show business hype!