I NEED answers. I can't take it anymore. WHY OH WHY OH WHY IS THIS BABY SCREAMING? I cut out dairy - he screams. I cut out gluten - he screams. Husband wants me to cut out meat, greens and tomato sauce. There's nothing left. He is burped, changed, fed - he still screams. I get him good and asleep after rocking and jiggling him. I lay him down - he screams. I dare to put him down so I can go to the bathroom - he screams. I put him in the car to go somewhere - he screams. I thought babies were supposed to like car rides. Not him. At night, he draws his knees up, grunts, turns red, cries and cries and cries.
He wets diapers more frequently than any baby I've ever ever known. And can't stand being the slightest bit wet. He screams. He will be sound asleep and wet a diaper and scream. I'll change him and 5 minutes later he is wet again. He can't have a "normal" bowel movement - just these little squirts. After each tiny one he insists on being changed.
I take him out and everyone says how cute he is. And yes, he's adorable. But then they ask, "Is he a good baby?" What is the answer? How can a baby be "bad"? It's not his fault that the only way he can communicate is to cry. Is he considered "bad" because he cries a LOT and doesn't sleep AT ALL? Or am I bad because he does this? I typically say, "well he's a baby" or "he's a bit fussy."
Yesterday I had a doctor's appointment and the nurse asked if she could hold him. With my first child I was hesitant to let anyone have her. With this Baby, I'd likely hand him to anyone with halfway clean hands. "Take him," I said. She offered to walk him around the halls while I met with the doctor. "Great," I said, feeling not a single pang of guilt at letting him out of my sight. When it came time to leave, I have to confess that the thought of just leaving without him crossed my mind. Just for a second.
With my daughter, I grabbed her as soon as she let out a peep. With Baby, I dawdle in the bathroom, desperate for a few more moments. I wait until the peeps have turned into blood-thirsty cries, just to have a few more moments. I turn on the radio loud when driving to drown out the cries. I pray constantly - more of a begging, "God, make him STOP."
I think I slept maybe 3 hours Sunday night. Last night probably 1 1/2 hours - and not more than 20 minutes straight. Most was a dozing off of sorts while jiggling and rocking a baby.
Husband and I are all out of sorts. He comes home from work and I try to hand Baby off. I try to get dinner ready for Daughter and spend time with her. But then Husband thinks Baby is hungry and he's back with me. Or Husband needs to do something. So I don't get much of a break.
Husband yells and curses. He gets mad. It's something I ate. It's the d**n doctors who don't know anything. I need to do this or that. I retreat into silence mostly. Although at 5 am this morning I think I cursed back.
I spend hours online looking for answers. I think I'm trying too many things at once. Cutting out dairy, gluten, weaning off nipple shield, pumping, increasing milk, one-sided feeding. Ugh. So I think I'm just going gung-ho on dairy and not gluten. At the very least the new grocery shopping list will give me something to do besides pace the floor. If I have a plan, and something to do, I will survive. When I start feeling hopeless (which usually kicks in at midnight after 2 hours of screaming) then I'm in trouble.