Who has the Voodoo Doll ??

If I didn't know better, I'd think someone had a voodoo doll with my image on it - and that they were torturing the crap out of it.

(vent first, ob update later)

I pulled in some favors at the bank to get them to re-credit my bank account for the $200 in overdraft fees. However, I still have to make a zillion phone calls to various merchants where checks or debits bounced. How embarrassing. And I will never ever get my account balanced with all these debits, credits, fees, returned fees and transfers. It's a math nightmare.

My house is FILTHY! My husband has kept up with the laundry, had food on the table every night and cleaned up after supper. He's also bathed our daughter and put her to bed almost every night. So I need to keep my mouth shut about the house - he doesn't have any more time or energy to do anything else either. I wish we'd win the lottery so I could hire a housecleaner.

Stupid idiot clients. Not everything is an emergency. And get a better dayplanner - A Thurs appt means come on Thurs - not Wed. A 3 pm appt means come at 3, not 2. And no you can't just show up and expect me to see you. Also, I have lots of clients. I can not talk to you for an hour, 2-3 times a day. And yes, you do get billed for phone calls. So while I will gladly listen to your Aunt Edna stories, you are paying for it.

I really ought to just give up lying sleepless in bed. I'd have so many more hours in the day if I got up and was productive instead of lying there wishing I could go to sleep for hours on end. Of course I'd need a crane to pull me out of bed and energy to do something once up.

My anxiety is through the roof. I was sure the leg twitching was restless leg syndrome and so I added in iron. That was helpful. But now I know the rest of it is just anxiety.

On the positive side - my math skills are superb. I read a sleep tip that suggested counting by 3s, 6s, 7s, etc. All the way up to 500. It's supposed to keep your mind from wondering all over your "to do" list and elsewhere. Well, it didn't help me sleep. But I can count like a mad woman.

I am billing 10-12 hours a day lately. For the bottom line, that is good. For my blood pressure, not so good.

My senior partner caught me with shoes kicked off, feet propped on a document box, napkin tucked under my chin over my big belly, eating lunch at my desk while tucking a memo. He laughed at me, then ducked when I threw a wadded up piece of paper at him. Then he very kindly found me a nice leather footstool. Much better than the cardboard box!

And because all the idiots took it upon themselves to reschedule their own appointments and show up yesterday, I have NO APPOINTMENTS today and only 1 tomorrow. Yeah. I turned the alarm off this morning, waddled in about 8:30 and plan to take a 2 hour nap....I mean lunch. Since my husband used the last 2 slices of bread and didn't pull any more out of the freezer, I think that is good enough reason to pick up take out on my way home too.....that is if my debit card still works.

BABY UPDATE

You can tell by my ticker that I'm 32 1/2 weeks. At my last two appointments I've measured 2 weeks behind. The midwife says that is okay. I'm praying it doesn't mean this baby is going to come late.

My blood pressure is "okay" - we've gone from "great" to "good" to just "okay." I was cautioned to slow down. It's a very good thing that I didn't go over after my trial on Tuesday. Blood pressure would have been through the roof. Given that my appointment was first thing in the morning yesterday, before the craziness began, and the blood pressure was still that high, I really need to be careful.

Baby's heartbeat was good - what we could tell. Little bugger was kicking everywhere. We were laughing. I gained zero weight between last visit and this. While I'm pretty sure it had to do with the fact that I was weighed on a different scale, I've taken it as permission to eat more ice cream. Besides, the midwife said increased calcium helps with leg twitches too.

I am switching from lexapro to zoloft next week. Both are the same class in pregnancy, but zoloft is considered safer with nursing. I'm glad about it. I have read some scary things about lexapro in the final month of pregnancy. Plus I was taking zoloft while nursing my daughter so I am more comfortable with that. Hopefully I can stay on the lower dose, but we'll see.

We talked about a birth plan. I told her to give my husband the drugs and then we'd both be fine. He's a nervous nelly. I'm a bit more concerned about labor this time around given that I've not exercised in 9 months. With my daughter I was in very good shape.

My anxiety/panic issues really kicked into gear 2 years after I had my daughter. So I'm also concerned about going through labor and delivery this time around. Luckily I will have a midwife (female) and I do know what to expect. So fingers crossed, all will be okay.

Monday Vent on Tuesday

I would have vented yesterday but I was too crazy and busy to do that then. (consider that vent #1).

• Some $&@(&% idiot hacked my paypal account, changing my address to Brazil, and charged about $1,500 to my account, which is directly linked to my bank account. Paypal caught it immediately and has been great to work with. However, when they said they "froze" the transaction, I assumed that meant it didn't hit my bank account. I was wrong. We weren't prepared for an extra $1,500 to disappear from our account, the day before payday. We have some overdraft protection, but not that much. So we've been getting daily notices of bounced checks, lots of fees, angry people calling us. Not fun. We are responsible people. I've not bounced a check since the month I first opened my very first account at age 17. And I really don't have time to deal with this. Hubby is clueless about how bank accounts work (he never had a checking account until we married and I had to teach him how to write checks). Of course, it's my fault because I am the one who linked paypal to our bank, I'm the one who manages the online stuff (because he doesn't know how) and because I have had law classes on banking laws and ought to know this stuff.
• I am covered up. Trying to get a zillion trials wrapped up before this baby comes. Also all the other things that go along with impending labor. Forms to fill out, decisions to make, things to buy, a nursery to get ready.
• Senior guy here is in the hospital again. Poor guy. But now I have his caseload and mine to handle. And if this particular client of his yells at me one more time, I'm going to reach through the phone and strangle her. You'd think people would understand that we have no control over medical emergencies.
• Case I had yesterday is weighing on me heavily. Some cases just twist you up inside. You think things are black and white until you see real people in the situations and all of a sudden you're dealing with a lot of gray.
• A friend of mine, who I lean on sometimes, is now busy coping with her sister - a woman in her 30s, married, with two young children and just diagnosed with stage 5, malignant skin cancer. Not sure of her prognosis yet. We're waiting on tests. But it sure makes me re-think my tanning and sun exposure.

And now, I'm off for a 30 minute drive to handle a 20 minute child support matter. Then drive 30 minutes back here and 20 minutes the other way for a child custody trial. Then back here, by way of some fast food place for an afternoon meeting. Then an ob appt this afternoon where I'll get bitched at for my weight. Bleh!

On the positive side, I will get to hear my little dumpling's heartbeat this afternoon. That's always good for a cheering up!

Remodeling - Before & After Pictures

Here are some pics. We moved in mid-December. We had lots of plans for our 1960s house - it needed to be brought into this decade! However, pregnancy has slashed our budget. We still need curtains in some rooms and throw rugs/area rugs in almost all rooms. The kitchen needs gutting (think almond appliances and green linoleum) but that will wait. It's liveable now and much better. Although I still need to hang my paintings and other knick-knack stuff.

Living Room - We repainted, took down the hideous blinds and eventually will get new windows. We do need an area rugs, some end tables and side lamps too.

BEFORE: (not our furniture)

AFTER:

Our bedroom - We stripped the wallpaper and painted. Still needs curtains and a throw rug.

BEFORE:

AFTER:

The hideous pink bathroom - We stripped the wallpaper (what a chore) and painted. Eventually I want to remove the pink tile entirely but it will do for now.

BEFORE:

AFTER:

DD's Room - We stripped the border, repainted and took down the awful curtains. (I have put curtains up since the "after" picture and she has a headboard now - initially we put the mattress on the floor until she learned to stop rolling out of bed!)

BEFORE:

AFTER:

Seen v. Is - an Update to my DH vent

Let me update and let you in on what I've been thinking about since my last posting, especially in light of some of the comments I received -

Angel mentioned in her comment that maybe I regretted turning down some opportunities. I felt a flare of anger (just in general, not at Angel) and thought about clarifying what I had written. I didn't have time to write immediately, and had time to think for awhile. Jealousy is an emotion I will not easily admit too. And I realised that my anger was because Angel had inadvertently hit on something (more about that in a bit).

Well, last night was the big church meeting. It turns out that there are some major plans to re-vamp our Sunday school classes - not all of which I am in favor of. DH isn't overly enthused about all the changes either. He and the other sub were asked to co-teach a class. The other sub said No - he couldn't commit to anything more than what he was doing now. DH said he'd like too, but September might be a bit tough. (my due date is the END of September). But he pretty much commited to teaching in some form or fashion.

I was mad. When we got home, DH & I exchanged some words. I said that from my perspective he intended to continue hunting, working out (which he finally agreed he'd have to stop doing in the morning, but refuses to give up so he'll just take longer, unpaid, lunches and go then), some sort of Bible study class, and add in teaching. I told him that was a lot of commitments. He said "well you have commitments too." I explained that I had either already cut, or would be cutting everything for a few months after I delivered, and probably longer since I intend to breastfeed. Handbells takes a break for the summer and I've already told the director I won't be back at least until after the holidays. My Bible study breaks for the summer and I'm skipping the fall semester. I have taken a leave of absence from the Board I serve on and told them I won't be at meetings at least through December. I am not on any church committees that have regular meetings, and I refused to get involved in the committee which is taking over the children's church stuff (our children's minister has resigned) even though I ran that program right after DD was born. I also haven't worked out in months and know that won't happen any time soon. I asked DH what "commitments" he was referring too and he mentioned my T appointments - which are now bi-weekly. He said "that's a huge commitment you need to think about dropping." Well, THAT pissed me off so I locked myself in the bathroom for awhile. Luckily we have quite a large hot water tank so I was able to sit under a hot shower and cry for a long time. Luckily I'm fat and pregnant and it was too hard to get up out of the tub (and I'd be damned if I called DH for help at that point) so the razors I really wanted access too were in the linen closet and out of reach. I settled for tracing scars with fingernails. My almost 10 month-SI-free reign about ended last night (and yes I will try to address that urge at my next T appt).

So anyway, back to the jealousy part. I realized that I am jealous - and angry. Initially I tried to do it all, be it all - super-wife, super-mom, super-employee. I about killed myself in 2005 after my daughter was born. And the next year found myself in counseling with major panic attacks. I have cut back a lot since then. I'm better for it. My family is better for it. The anxiety/panic/depression knocked me down a few pegs and made me realize I was not as strong and invincible as I thought. This pregnancy has knocked me down a few more. I am just not able to handle everything I used too. So yes, I am jealous that while I've had to cut back a lot, my DH is just taking on more and more. I'm jealous that he manages this stuff (well, sort of). I'm angry at the burden it puts on me. And angry that he doesn't recognize that burden. And angry at myself for enabling him - like reminding him of meetings when he forgets.

I love being privileged enough to be pregnant and nourish a growing baby. But I'm jealous that DH is able to do a lot of things I can't do anymore - hike, exercise, sleep on his stomach. Things he takes for granted.

So after I left the shower (while our hot water supply is long, it is not endless), I went into bed. I was exhausted. DH came in and asked if we could talk. He apologized for his comment about my giving up my T-commitment. He said he knew that would make me mad and that is why he said it. I sarcastically thanked him for (1) recognizing what would piss me off, (2) recognizing my vulnerability and (3) using it against me anyway. He apologized again but didn't say his usual "forgive me?" which is good because I wasn't ready to at that point.

He really wants to teach. He says it gives him fulfillment. The same things he says about hunting. If he gives it up, he says he will be resentful. Something sparked inside of me at that, but the connection wasn't realized until later.

So the connection made today was this - my mother resented every sacrifice she made. She did nothing much except work and watch TV. She resented every other thing she did for us and didn't hesitate to remind us. My father, on the other hand, was involved in everything. The perfect volunteer firefighter, even rising to chief. President of the charity motorcycle riding group. To the public he was awesome - little did they know that he didn't have any time for us children. Appearances were everything to him. I want better for my children -- parents that don't resent sacrifices they make; parents that are willing to refrain from doing everything for their own personal gain, while ignoring their children.

When DH says he resents being asked to give up things, it steps on my toes. How dare he not WANT to give things up for his daughter - and soon-to-be son? How dare it be all about HIM and HIS needs.

I reminded DH of the fact that I have given up a lot over the past months of pregnancy -- working out, my body, my medications, what I can eat, what I can drink, my energy level, cut back on a TON of things. All of that will continue. With nursing, I won't be able to really diet. I will have to restrict what I eat and drink. I am restricted on what medications I can take. I told DH that it was a pain at times. And yes, I do have moments where I don't especially like doing it. I do have pangs of longing for what I've given up. But I recognize that the rewards are GREAT. I told DH that I did not see that giving up hunting for a few months, giving up teaching for a few months or other sacrifices were too much to ask. I requested that he plan to do nothing other than work and family until January 1st. At that point I'll be back at work and the Baby will be in daycare. I told him I knew there'd be some adjustment until we all got in a work-daycare routine. Once we feel like we have a grip, then we can look at the things we are really missing and make efforts to add them back in.

He's not happy about it. He didn't agree to my request. He did agree not to take on any permanent teaching role for a "little while" after our son is born.

I did point out to him that I wished he would display the leadership skills he displays at church in our home. Take on some more management of our house and especially make more of an effort to lead some family devotional times. He acknowledged that he hadn't been doing as he should in those areas and committed to doing better.

So all in all - I have laid it all on the table to him. Well, except for the fact that his "resentment at sacrificing" steps on my toes. I need to deal with that for myself first - great T topic for next time, I do think. DH still doesn't agree with me. I think he is underestimating the effect having baby #2 is going to have on us. He thinks I'm over-exaggerating it. I do hope he is right, but I fear that I am. At this point I see two options - (1) argue, fuss, fight and disagree for the next 2 months until Baby gets here. (2) Let it go for now and address it again, if and when, he does take on more and more stuff and is unable to manage everything after this Baby gets here.

I also have to take into account that my hormones are totally whacked. Me, cry? Every day this week? What's up with that? I've cried more this week than I have in years. I'm feeling - and recognizing - emotions that I've not experienced or acknowledged in YEARS. Sadness, jealousy, anger, resentment - and vulnerability which is an icky one. I'm sure this is a good thing in the long run. Right now it's just a bit overwhelming and uncomfortable.

What is SEEN versus what IS

I started this post well over a month ago. I've updated it periodically. It was more of a venting post for me and I wasn't sure I would ever publish it. But the problem has gotten worse, not better. Even though I've changed my strategy from silently seething or attacking to calmly pointing out what I've observed. I'm out of ideas. I'm torn between taking the bull by the horns and trying to squeeze a joint counseling session in our already busy schedule. Or waiting until hunting season after the baby is born, when I know things will hit the roof.

- What is SEEN - I take my daughter (by myself) to an evening Church event. Three fathers who are there with their children are talking about the Sunday morning men's breakfast. I butt in enough to find out that breakfast is indeed this Sunday - my intent being to remind DH about it. They joke that DH hasn't been there in 6 months and where have I been keeping him.What IS - I go home and tell my husband about the study. I've reminded him several times to put it on the calendar - it's always the 3rd Sunday of the month. He can't remember. That night I ask if he wants the alarm set. Yes, although he would have forgotten - again - and overslept. I have rearranged our Father's Day plans so that he can, at the last minute because he once again forgot about breakfast, go out with the guys instead of celebrate with us. The majority of woman at church stay-at-home. I work. I work about 10 more hours a week than my husband, plus work at home in the evenings. So yes, my husband is "restricted" from events he can do "after hours" because he needs to help out around the house with all those things the other wives do while their husbands work. However, DH plays it off like he has to get "permission" from me and I come off as the ball-and-chain-type.

- What is SEEN - DH claims to be shy. But in groups of people he knows well, he is the life of the party. He talks and talks and talks - sometimes rambling on. He tells jokes, knows all about the latest sports and politics. Has never met a stranger. Can be interested in whatever topic of conversation is brought up, and can contribute. What IS - At social functions, I have to drag him away from conversations. Give him 10 minute warnings when it is time to go. I know to never get too involved in a conversation myself, because there is no way DH can watch our daughter and socialize. If it is a dinner-type event, I know I will have to go get all the food, drinks, and accessories for myself and my daughter. If I send DH, he will get diverted talking to someone and when he makes it back, DD will be screaming and her food will be cold.

- What is SEEN - At DH's work events, I sit at a table with the guys, listening to derogatory women jokes. DH apologizes for their behavior on the way home. At my work events, DH is off with the guys in the corner exchanging hunting stories. What IS - DH moans and groans about going to his work events. When I suggest not going, he jumps down my throat because he always goes to mine. He makes no effort to socialize beyond his group of men - all of whom have left their wives at home. At my work functions, I have inquired in advance as to which husbands are coming, especially those who enjoy car racing and hunting. I make sure to introduce DH to those people and get conversation started.

- What is SEEN - DH tells his parents that I don't allow DD to wear lipstick or 2 piece bathing suits or nailpolish. His mother makes comments to my DD (which she repeats to me) about "we can't do that. Your mommy won't like it." What IS - DH and I have had many discussions about how little girls are allowed to grow up too quickly. We decided to save some of the "milestone" events for when she got older - such as ear piercing, nailpolish, make-up. I do paint her toenails during the summer. I have painted her fingernails one time on a special occassion - it was light pink. DH wasn't happy. I bought a two-piece tankini (no skin exposed) that fit her better than a 1 piece because she is so tall. DH didn't like it. His mother just sent DD home with green fingernail polish that had been half wiped off and a tube of lipstick - which she promptly smeared all over every wall and furniture and clothing. I talk to DH about it and he says, "yeah I know - I'll tell her on the phone when I talk to her." So he didn't tell her in person. He'll tell her on the phone that ~I~ have issues with it. And he wonders why his family and I have some tension between us????

- What is SEEN - DH makes a huge deal about being "restricted" in his events and about having to get "permission" before signing up to do anything. He has to check with me and our schedule before agreeing. If he forgets, then he has to back out of it, blaming me. What IS - DH can't say No. So he'll say "yes" and then go back and use me as an excuse to get out of things, or he'll say he has to check with me and then say I won't "let him." Dh thinks nothing about signing up for every event under the sun. His friends (husbands of SAHMs) do it - why shouldn't he? Perhaps because their wives don't work all day? Just last week he lied to someone who wanted him to fill in for a softball game, telling them I was working late and he couldn't do it.

- What is SEEN - DH is the top choice to pray at church and to lead Bible studies. He is the top choice to substitute for Sunday school. He has started a new men's Bible study. He has been a deacon and will likely be nominated again. He will very likely be asked to take over and teach (permanently) a Sunday School class. What IS - I was nominated for deacon elections for three years before DH was nominated. I turned it down each year because I knew it would cause problems with DH's ego and upset the balance in our marriage. DH leads "rote" prayers at our house - the same thing every night. He spends 1-2 hours a night planning his lessons for Church, yet he doesn't lead his wife and daughter in any sort of study or devotion. When asked about it, he'll get his Bible and turn to us for advice on what to study.

- What is SEEN - DH is never at a loss for words. He is the life of a conversation. He can appear interested in whatever anyone else is interested in, and participate in their event or conversation. What IS - Yesterday he went into the opposite room of DD and I all day long, because he wasn't interested in what we were doing. If he doesn't like what is on TV, he'll wait until I get up to get a drink or go to the bathroom, grab the remote and change the channel, forcing me to go to the other room to finish my show. Then he claims I "left" him.

- What is SEEN - he is very sensitive to others. He offers to help out, says the right things, calls them to check up and prays for them. What IS - he complains about calling and visiting, tries to get me to go for him or with him. If I'm out of sorts, he makes mean, sarcastic comments to me.

- What is SEEN - in public, he'll say things like, "You did it last time, let me" and appear to be the all helpful spouse and father. What IS - at home, he'll say things like "I did it last time - you do it?" He plans out our entire week around whose "turn" it is and if everything is "fair." Last night I asked that he and my daughter be more careful about leaving things on the floor because it is getting more difficult for me to see my feet and where I'm going. He snipes back, "Well you do it too."

So Last night, he gets a phone call saying there is a last minute meeting tonight for all Sunday school teachers and substitutes. He was asked to go. He was also told that they are searching for 2 people to co-teach my Sunday school class - the very class DH left because he didn't find it "mentally stimulating enough." DH raises the issue of his co-teaching. I did not yell. I did not say "No way, no how, what the hell are you thinking?" Instead, I took a deep breath and said "I think we both ought to be very careful about taking on new commitments this fall while we are adjusting to a new baby." He says, "it's just Sundays." I explain that it is not "just Sundays." It means preparing a lesson, going to the teacher meetings on Wed night, and having to be in church on time - which leaves me to get both children ready if we are running late. And since I will be working on Saturdays (in an attempt to get paid something while on maternity leave), Sunday will be the only day to go visit his family, which means missing some church. He nodded and agreed. But you know what, when it comes down to the meeting tonight, odds are he won't say No. And you just might hear me screaming from where you are.

My Weekend in Pictures - a general update

Friday - Rented The Vantage Point (I give it 2 thumbs up). Also ordered chinese take out food. Yum.

Saturday - 7 am birthday cake for my husband. Sing Happy Birthday - all because my daughter just can't wait any longer to give him his cake and presents. It was a Carvel ice cream cake (yum)



YMCA pool - because it is super hot.


Lost Keys - you have to trade your keys in to receive a life jacket. When we went to return the life jacket and get our keys, we discovered someone had taken our keys by mistake.



Carrabba's - date night for Hubby and I to celebrate our wedding anniversary. He had seafood Alfredo. I had the special - trout with a wonderful breading, shrimp stuffed with crab meat, asparagus and ravioli. Of course we both had salad and WAY too much of their bread.


Hancock with movie theater popcorn - being stuffed from dinner did not prevent us from getting popcorn while we watched Hancock. A great movie!

Barnes and Noble - because they have a Starbucks inside, as if dinner and popcorn wasn't enough. Besides, we're too cheap to actually buy books - LOL.

Church on Sunday morning - pretty good this weekend. The preacher was on vacation and my favorite fill-in preached.


Found Keys at the YMCA - yeah!

Nap - a requirement at our house after church.

Off to the Hardware store for paint - time to paint the baby nursery.

And that brings us back to Monday, which is best summarized like this -

Spotlight on some other Blogs

I haven't written in days - totally unlike me. I have several things swirling in my head. Thoughts about my mother, about some books I finished, and other things. Nothing concrete enough or ready to come out in words that are understandable.

I was reading some blogs - when I get stuck like this, I tend to branch out and follow links from other blogs. It's a great way to find some incredible new blogs (new to me at least).

Tamara at Desire to Heal comments on some blogs I read. I found my way over to her blog today and was incredibly struck by today's post - A Letter of Love to Abuse Survivors. I encourage you to check it out.

Rindy at Experiencing the Journey shared some audio clips of some great talks she gave. You can find the links here. I would especially urge you to check out "This is All I've Got." Rindy will say she's not a great speaker - I'd respectfully disagree. I think she's awesome!

If you want a reason to say "awwww" then check out I also Live on a Farm. The last several posts feature Winston the pig. My daughter loves Winston. She asks to watch his videos and see his pictures all the time. It's great for those moments when your children come up as you are blogging and want to "participate." My daughter now considers checking in on Winston her own blogging experience!

If you are in the mood for something light-hearted, it is always great to check out Nick's Monday posts - always full of jokes on Mondays.

Hope everyone has a happy Monday. I'm off to court for calendar call which will determine the outcome of my week!

My Husband Rocks

I complain on here enough about my husband that I figured I'd brag on him in this post. Today is our 9th wedding anniversary. Hard to believe it's been (only) nine years.

Yesterday was a long, long day at work. I was running on zero energy and Baby Boy was particularly active in kicking and causing Braxton Hicks. All I wanted was to lie down and sleep - somewhere cool.

I drove home from work, knowing that despite their promises, the AC repair folks had still not fixed the AC, returned our calls or showed up. I knew the house would be wicked hot and after being shut up all day, would be stuffy too. I walked in, the heat hit me, and I shuffled to the bedroom where I collapsed on the bed and started crying. My poor husband had no idea what was going on. He assumed it was the anniversary card and letter from mother - normally a safe assumption, but that will wait for another blog post.

I explained that I was fat, pregnant, hot, miserable and dog tired. I begged him to blow up our air mattress and turn the window AC unit on in the kitchen. Surely we could put a huge tub underneath to catch the leaky water. We could all sleep in there. He wanted too, but since the water also leaked down inside the wall, worried about it getting into the electric wires in the wall and causing damage.

He started looking at the window unit in our bedroom. There was this odd looking plug thing on it, with a rusted wire hanging out. He got out his tools and starting playing. My husband is not the fix-it type. Not at all. Typically I know more about fix-it stuff than he does, having had to "make do" growing up. But he pried off the end of the plug and realized that the rusted wire part was an attempt to convert a 3-prong plug to a 2-prong plug to fit our ancient, 2 prong outlet.

He suggests he accompany me to the grocery store. We go and he suggests we eat at Subway so as to avoid cooking in the heat. He takes care of everything, even letting my daughter pick the car-style cart that I find too heavy to push lately. So she's happy. He doesn't make any comment about my price comparisons at all. He picks up some hardware supplies, and then walks by the gun section with barely a glance.

When we get home, he does something to the unit and plugs it in. Woila! We have a working unit. Granted it blew dust and debri everywhere for awhile until it got "cleaned out." But the air was cool! We changed the sheets, slept backwards on the bed to get better air flow. Shut the windows and door in the bedroom to keep the cool air in. Blew up my daughter's air mattress and made her a pallet on the floor. I turned the fan directly on me too and climbed into bed.

At 8 pm I put a movie on for my daughter and laid down in my bed. We snuggled together. By 10 I was sound asleep (well I took some meds to help with that - ob approved, of course). At 3 am, during one of my bathroom breaks, I pulled the heavy comforter up over me. At 6 the alarm went off and Husband says, "it's freezing in here. I am going to turn the unit on low." I snarled, "Don't Touch That. I LIKE being cold." He wisely left it alone.

This morning we snuggled under the covers in bed. Daughter climbed in and we said Happy Anniversary. Then went back to sleep for a little while. What a great start to the day.

Oh and the AC people just called and are supposed to come out around lunch time.........we'll see. Lucky for them I slept well last night and they just might leave with their lives intact.

Let me just say that there is nothing sexier than a husband who makes his hot, grumpy, tired, fat pregnant wife happy by fixing the AC unit. Oh and the fact that he bought me TWO gallons of ice cream and TWO packages of double stuff Oreos without comment didn't hurt either!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

EDITED TO ADD -- IT'S FIXED - the AC is FIXED. YEAH !!!!!

Giving Mom the Boot ?? - my sarcastic side emerges

Angry? Sad? Hurt? Upset?

Who Me?

Yes You.

Couldn't be?

Then who?

It finally struck me that the tight, constricted feeling I was having was not indigestion or even Braxton Hicks, but anger mostly. My friend Perfect practices anger work (well, okay, her T makes her do it!). I have seen good results in her, but I still haven't tried it myself. I tell myself it just sounds silly - and besides, I'm not an angry person and I don't need it. Me - Angry? Emotional? Of course not. I don't get angry. Or sad. Or hurt. I'm tough.

Sure........I tend to really stuff it down until I just can't take it anymore. With pregnancy and the heat in my house (AC is still not fixed), my emotions are bubbling to the surface a lot more. During the past sleepless nights, I've been half-awake/half-dreaming. I do my best thinking and planning during those stages. My defenses are down, for the most part, and my mind is free to go directions I usually don't let it go.

I have still not heard anything from my mother. I did have a brief nightmare of running into her on my weekend trip, but that didn't happen. I also "dreamed" (not sure what to really call it) of finding out that my mom had been on a vacation of sorts, or otherwise done something involving spending $$. My reaction was an infuriated, not thought out, not edited blasting of her by email about how she again chose [whatever] over me. I woke up mad, but realizing that in many ways it was true. She has chosen to continue her drinking, smoking, satellite TV watching, cell phone owning lifestyle - even if it means not having gas money to meet up with her daughters.

All day I pondered the meaning of my dream. I think that in many ways I am coming closer to not wanting any relationship with my mother. I don't think she is capable of giving me anything I want or need. I don't enjoy any interactions with her. I get nothing out of our relationship. I do it out of guilt, hope that she will change, and a fear of cutting off a tie to my extended family. I don't really like my extended family either, but mom and her side is really all I have left. I also realize that it would be far easier for me to actually cut off contact with mom if provoked. If there was an incident to "justify" (as if the past is not enough??) giving her the boot.

When I spoke with my Sister on Sunday, she mentioned talking to Mom. Sister said the conversation was strained and forced. Mom did not mention anything at all about the emails back and forth. However, Mom did say that her email had been down since late Wednesday. Her computer is having issues. She got off the phone really quickly because one of the "kids" from work was supposed to call - Mom was going to see if the kid could come by and fix it. My Sister and I are amazed and horrified that my mother is having anyone come to the house - her house is an absolute pig-sty and I can't even imagine what Toilet is like these days, having been stuck in the house with no need to shower or otherwise do anything to make himself presentable. While I realize this "kid" is probably close to being an adult/or a young adult, there is a level of fear in the thought of any "kid" being in their house. The other night, in my "dream-like" state, I wondered if Mom was having to pay this kid to come by and fix her computer.

The next morning I realized that I hadn't sent my general update email. I try to send a generic "hi, we're still alive" email to my aunts, uncles and grandmother every 3-4 weeks or so. I updated about my trip to my sisters, the pregnancy and life in general. I mentioned that I had gotten my laptop fixed and that it was the "best $40 I ever spent". I also mentioned what we had been doing lately and that I anticipated not travelling for awhile, as driving for long distances (any sitting for long distances) is very uncomfortable. I also updated about the baby and the swelling I've been experiencing, especially with the heat and lack of AC.

So, okay I was being a bit defensive about remarks I imagined Mom might have made about my refusing to drive all the way to her town. And trying to determine if Mom had paid $$ to have her computer fixed. Why? Because I want an excuse to be mad at her.

I got a response from my grandmother (mom's mom) that gave me a reason to be angry. My grandmother emails only when I email her. (my remarks in red)

Hi. What a nice surprise to have your long email!! (dig - we don't often get long emails from you) You are two really busy people, for sure! We hadn't heard that you were flying up to see Sister. Bet that was fun. When do they expect BIL home--we hadn't heard that. (you talk to my mother every day at least 2x by email and every week by phone - does she not tell you anything? I know darn well she mentioned our trip and when BIL is expected home. But you just had to get a dig in about how ~I~ didn't update you) Hope that happens soon. ........We are doing pretty good for old folks. Grandpa will be 82 this month (26th) & I'm 80, so we have slowed down alot. (yes I know - I do have it on my calendar. I do send you cards every year. Is this a dig because I didn't send an anniversary card this year?) .......Guess you TALK to your mom now that her computer is down. (No I don't TALK - what's with the caps? - to Mom. She hasn't called me and w sure don't talk every day) We miss her emails for sure & use the phone now & then, too. (Emails? Plural? I'm lucky to get one every 2 weeks - not 2 a day like you.) All for this time. Love & hugs to each of you. Grandma & Grandpa.

I resisted the urge to write back and gush all over the fact that I received more than a 2 line email from them. Of course I always get an email from them a few days in advance of their upcoming anniversary or birthdays, I guess to remind me of those dates.

I was preparing for a court hearing (Review) that is scheduled this week. I was successful in having a deadbeat locked up for failing to pay his alimony. He's been in jail 45 days and it's time for his review. He whined and gave a pity story about not having being able to work, not having a job and not having any money. In the meantime, my client is living in a home which will be foreclosed upon soon, has no electricity, no phone and gets food from a food bank. She is also working 2 jobs. So this was my line of questioning -

I notice you have a cell phone on you.? Why is that necessary given that you don't work and are at home all day where there is a land line? (Toilet has a cell phone despite being home all day).

I notice you have a square pack of something in your pocket. Are those cigarettes? You can continue to buy 2 packs a day? (Mom and Toilet smoke)

I notice your bank records reflect charges at the liquor store. You can continue to drink (mom and Toilet drink)

You have emailed my client. Your bills show high-speed internet and satellite. (Mom and Toilet have satellite TV and internet)

So in other words, you have a cell phone which is unnecessary, you sit around drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes, watching your cable TV and surfing the internet in your air conditioned house, while my client...............

In my fantasies, it's mom that I'm cross-examining. In some ways, I want to find out that mom has spent money on something like a vacation or other purely fluff item. I really want to throw it up in her face. On a deeper level, I realize that says I still have a lot of unresolved issues to deal with when it comes to her.

Orthodontist Triggers Panic Attack

Deep breath in and out. I survived my ortho appt today. I did receive some good news. Assuming this last little space closes and nothing new crops up, my braces will come off on August 13th. Yeah!

The ortho tells me we need to close the last space. He says it is going to get mighty uncomfortable as he pulls at these teeth. It does hurt - the pressure is intense. However, I can tell he is going as slowly and gently as he can.

Two chairs down from me are two other patients (children) getting molds made. I hate having molds made so I am sympathetic. I can hear the first one gagging, crying and retching. After he is done, the doctor suggests doing the other in another room - a private room as opposed to the half-circle, public treating area where the rest of us are. But by that time, I am already experiencing sympathy nausea and gagging. It doesn't help that I am virtually flat on my back, dizzy and having trouble breathing will all this baby weight on me. Then the hygentist says, "go ahead and spit. That wasn't so bad. Probably not the worst taste you ever swallowed." I hate spitting sounds and am very triggered. I try to take deep breaths, which is difficult with hands in my mouth.

Then the ortho wants to check my bite placement. Which means he moves to the front right side of me, leans over my face, puts his fingers along my upper gum line and has me move my mouth around. All this while he is saying "that feels good" (meaning placement is good) and "great job" and "just like that." All of this while he is hanging over me. Yuck.

I am finally raised up in the chair. Now the dizziness really kicks in, but I am in such a rush to get out of there that I stand up anyway and weeble-wobble my way to the desk to check out. I get in my car and start deep breathing, head down on the steering wheel. Gradually things stop spinning and the gagging feelings are better.

I drive to the coffee store and order a fruit shake and muffin - to raise my blood sugar back up. I take some tylenol to stop the throbbing in my mouth and wish I were able to take a few xanax too. I pull out of the drive-through and realize that the reason I can't see is because I'm crying. So I drive slowly back to the office, with deep breaths. I've pulled it together when I get to my desk.

I sit down and immediately get a call. Dr. Jones on the phone for you. I answer and am reminded that Daughter is having two fillings done tomorrow. Husband is taking her - but I'm still anxious and upset about it.

Deep breath in...........deep breath out...........

What would I be Like?

I saw this Sunday on PostSecrets.







I think that statement is profound. She says she "hates that she doesn't know" - that's a biggie for me. The "not knowing" and the being deprived of the opportunity to see who I would have been without the abuse in my life.

I think I would have been a gentler person. I probably would be more open and willing to share my true feelings -- less guarded, less jaded. I wonder if I would be as tough - sometimes that toughness serves me well. I wonder what kind of job I would be doing? I think a very large reason I am in the field I'm in, is because of the life I led. Not just the abuse, but the after-effects of my parents' separation and divorce. Seeing just how severely a parent's decision affects a child.

I, too, hate that I can't know.....

Childhood Memories & Random Mutterings (AKA It's Hot here)

Our AC is broke - again. DH has done his best trying to handle it. However, his smooth, southern gentlemanly charm with the warranty company and repair folks just isn't getting things done. I've taken advantage of his "I'm busy at work comments" to offer to make the calls myself. I'll pull the "fierce, tough attorney" voice out. I had to last time it broke. I tried to stay out of it and let DH handle it. But the stress of the heat-related triggers were too much, and my need to have the AC fixed trumped the good intentions to let DH be "manly" and handle it.

We stayed gone all day yesterday. Slept in front of a fan. Church this morn. Now I'm in the basement (cool) in front of a fan. Hair up off neck - tank top and shorts on. DH (bless him) is upstairs in the hot house playing "mommy and daddy" with our daughter.

All sounds okay - and manageable. Looks that way on the outside. But not on the inside - not for me. I've been thrown back into the Land of Flashbacks and Triggers.

DH rants and raves in times like this. He uses language that is entirely unlike him. Not me. I cope. I deal. I stay calm. It's my role - things broke all the time when I was young. I took care of it. This is like then. He yells and cusses. I retreat behind the mask. I fix it. I can't complain or whine - because I'm the one that has to stay focused. I mop up the gallons and gallons of water that the window AC (left by old owner) dripped on floor. I clean up the mess it made as it ran down the floorboard and stained the basement ceiling.

I am in the basement. Our, as yet, unfinished basement. It's cool here. DH told me I should sleep down here last night but that was too much. I was scared to wake up down here. Besides not wanting to tromp up and down the steps for my frequent bathroom breaks. It's hard enough sitting down here, in my "it's hot out" clothes, with a fan on, reading. Things smell musty and the fan hides the sounds, so that I'm easily startled by the wind, the thunder, Daughter coming downstairs. I can't look around because the panel walls are too triggering, as are the stains on the ceiling. I'm reminded of too many dissociative times staring at similar stains in my childhood home. There are too many things that remind me of summers growing up in "THAT" basement. I can't wait until we can get this one painted and make it look entirely different.

Keeping Watch

I've been reading this book called "Keeping Watch" by Laurie R. King. I've read several of her books and really like them. This one is about Allen, a Vietnam Vet who, after the war, becomes a kidnapper of children. He kidnaps children (and sometimes women too) who are abuse victims, gets them safely away with other family members, adopted families or into a safe house.

Part of the main character's job is to set up surveillance in order to be sure that the allegations of abuse are true before he acts. Allen finds it difficult to watch some of his surveillance tapes, saying "Disassociation made it possible to carry on.....possible to watch the illicit videos with the least possible involvement of the mind. If he stopped to let it all in...he knew damn well that he'd put down his beer and just go murder the bastard." He goes on to say that "it was rarely the actual r@pe that got to him on these sorts of case. No, the part he found truly unbearable was...the very same part the pedophile loved the most -- the seduction. Most pedophiles weren't interested in merely overpowering a child, but rather found their greatest pleasure in the game of domination, keeping the child just this side of outright panic by first discovering and then manipulating each particular victim's individual needs, fears and nobilities. The subtle interplay of threat and cajoling, pressure and affection...the terrible intimacy involved, a predator's complete understanding of his prey, a knowledge such as, more often than not, no other human being in the child's life came anywhere near to possessing. It was this terrible familiarity with the victim's very soul that made Allen crave the simplicity of murder."

I can relate. I had no doubt that the worst part of it was bad and wrong. But the set-up part was the worst. It's the part I didn't realize was wrong for so long. For me the really bad stuff is about violence - it's the set-up stuff that is about sex and that makes it worse. It's more intimate and more of a mind game than anything else.

This part here - "a predator's complete understanding of his prey, a knowledge such as, more often than not, no other human being in the child's life came anywhere near to possessing" is SO very true. In the midst of all the post-divorce chaos, Toilet was the one person who took time to spend with me, get to know me, check in on how I was doing, and would really talk with me. He'd ask about my day, what I was reading, and suggest things to do. He'd always invite me to go with he and mom when they went somewhere. When we were out, he'd buy us treats or a small toy or something. When Mom was overly harsh in her discipline, Toilet stood up for us, or snuck us treats while we were grounded. He also stood up and protected my Sister and I against my dad's violence and drunkenness. I think that was the real turning point - I like to think he did it out of some innate goodness - that's what I used to think. Now I know he had ulterior motives. I think that is the hard part to deal with. The fact that the one person I ~thought~ liked me and cared enough to care and stick up for me, was not doing it for any reason other than an ulterior, sadistic motive.

BTW - That passage was in the very beginning of the book. I almost put the book down but then decided that Allen intrigued me - his willingness to put his own life and freedom on the line to help save children. So I kept going. The book was great and had a happy, although different than expected, ending (yeah).

Mom (again) - A Hospital Invite?

(background is here)

In a comment on my last post, JIP asked about my mom visiting the hospital. I've been thinking about that a lot so figured I'd explain and expound.

I cut Toilet out of my life right after I got pregnant with my daughter. But Mom and I still had our same (fake close) relationship. She was working a week on - week off - work schedule at that time. I didn't want anyone except my husband in the labor or delivery room. The idea was that we would call my in-laws and my sister and mom when I was in labor or had delivered. My in-laws and my mom were both given keys to my house and could come to visit. If it was mom's week off, she would stay for the remaining days off and help out. The my MIL would fill in around mom's schedule.

I was induced on the start of my mother's work week. So my ILs came up and saw us the afternoon after I delivered. They stayed until I was out of the hospital - fixing meals, MIL cleaning my house, and then left. When my husband was scheduled to return to work, MIL came back up and stayed several days to help. She fixed meals, cleaned, did laundry, and ironed. My mother came after that - laid around, napped, fixed a few meals, and got bored and irritable by weeks end.

Now if my daughter had just delivered a new baby and lived only 2 1/2 hours away, I don't care if I had to work that day or not. I'd be driving up there to see that baby the day it was born. I'd call out sick if I had too. Then again I'm not my mother (thank goodness).

So to answer JIP's question - my mother is not invited to the labor/delivery of this baby. She is welcome to come visit on her 2 days off after the baby is born. If she can find the time, energy and gas money.

My sister and I were talking about this very issue this past week. My sister said that if Mom had been at the hospital in the waiting room or around when she was in labor, she probably would have invited her into the labor/delivery room. She said at that moment her hormones were such that she wanted her "Mommy" in whatever form or fashion that came in. After all was said and done, she was glad Mom wasn't around, because she would have regretted having invited her.

I was the same way. During labor I wanted my "Mommy" and would have let her in - begged her to come in probably. I would have let my MIL come in at that point too (MIL is not invited, not because she isn't wonderful and sweet, but because she is an extreme worrywart, anxiety person and would drive me bonkers with her worries, concerns and anxiety). After the fact, I said something to my husband about being glad Mom hadn't been around, because I would have regretted having invited her into the room.

This time around, I've let my husband know that no matter what I say in the midst of labor/delivery, that neither my mom nor his parents are to come into the labor/delivery room. The only person I realistically foresee inviting in would be my sister. Actually we've joked that if I go into labor while she is visiting, she gets to be my labor coach. She'd be better at it than my husband!

There are times when not having a true mother is more difficult than others - like in the midst of labor/delivery or other high-emotion situations. But it's also during those times when I despise her the most - for the fact that she's around, but not capable or willing to be the mother I need.

On a side note - absolutely no response from her to my email or my sister's. Even though yesterday was her day off and she was online and signed into IM all day. Which says a lot. If the issue really was $$ or if she really wasn't trying to be manipulative, then surely she would have emailed back something like "disappointed but understand it would be too much for you to drive." The fact that she is playing the "silent game" says far more.

Update to Mom Rant - after T appt

(first part of this saga is here)

Before I even got to T, there was an email volley back and forth between Mom and Sister. Totally unprecipitated by me. Part of me is glad Sister said something - part of me would rather she have waited and let me handle it - after my T session. But regardless here is what happened....

Sister sent an email JUST to my mom - blind copied me on it but mom didn't know I had gotten a copy. Sister wrote -

Not to be rude but do you really expect Enola to drive 2 1/2 hours to your house, then to G-City to a friends, then to his parents :) I will send you $20 for gas today in the mail...seriously. :)

Then Mom responded to Sister's email but added me in as a recipient (thereby adding me to the conversation) -

NO..don't send me money for gas. Enola had already said she'd be willing to come up further than G-City, since she was going there anyway. It's not like I suggested her going 2 1/2 hrs out of her way. D-ville is only about 45 min from G-City. She never mentioned the whole weekend plans when she suggested it. Think that came up later. So I can understand if it's too much for her now, gas wise and time wise, esp now with the cookout and shower at his folks afterwards. We'll figure something else out. Love and hugs, Mom

I commented to Sister how it was interesting that Mom copied me on the response - so mom made the choice to involve me in something my sister was ostensibly keeping between those two. Mom acknowledges that I was coming to G-City anyway but then says I never mentioned the whole weekend plans. First, the only reason I suggested meeting her was because I already had plans to be in G-City. Second I only offered to come to her side of G-City, not north of the entire city. Third, the plans with my in-laws make it LESS, not more driving for me. From G-City it is 1 hour to in-laws rather than 1 1/2 back to my house. Lastly, Mom is asking me to drive 1 1/2 hours out of my way (45 minutes each way) in a span of 1/2 a day.

Anyway, I still bit my tongue and wrote nothing - intending to wait until after T. Then my sister (again unprompted) wrote my Mom back this -

I was just saying - you know its not gas.. it is time. To drive that much in one day is a lot. And driving to G-boro early to meet with you, then offering to meet you further (driving almost 2 hours instead of 1.5) now 2 1/2. I know i am being a smart ass.. but don't complain she never asked to see you :) Seriously I will give you the gas money so you can drive the 45 minutes (and let her drive the 2 hours). I shouldn't have even commented but i have to stick my nose in :)

Again, Sister sent it only to mom, blind copied me. Mom hasn't responded.

I wanted to write Mom back and say - look, take Sister's $20 and I'll give you $20 and you can come all the way...let's see what excuse you come up with now. At the very least shut your mouth and quit whining. But I again waited.

So, I go to T and of course she has insight that totally escaped me. I was still too stuck in the fact that Mom is turning this into "let's see how far Enola will go" - first it's meet her halfway, then a bit further, then in her own city.

T said that she thinks Mom needs to sacrifice something to see me. Really, it wouldn't be more than 1 pack of cigarettes, 1 bottle of alcohol or a few lottery tickets. Really, Mom still has satellite TV, smokes 2 packs a day, drinks, and buys lottery tickets every week. How about giving something up? Hmm...that's an interesting concept. Mom sacrifice something for me? Mom being un-selfish about something? T asked me how that would feel and I can't even imagine. I'd probably be suspicious of Mom's motive and wonder what was going on. We talked about how Sister and I do things for each other (like my recent trip - and Sister's insistence on paying for everything while I was there) and how we really appreciate each other's efforts.

I think there are more than a few things going on here - (1) Mom may not be happy Husband is coming. (2) Mom may be jealous of the time we spend with in-laws. (3) Mom wants it to be all about her with no inconvenience to herself. Well, Husband is coming because there was some concern Toilet would show up or whatever. But mostly because it is difficult for me to drive long distances at this stage. Second, we do spend time with the in-laws but they do WAY more than their fair share in coming to see us and doing stuff for us. And as to #3, that's the REAL issue but nothing much new there.

So I came home and told Husband about all this. I hadn't even gotten past the very first email from Mom this morning before he lost it. He said "oh hell no. No way are we going to where they live. What, is Toilet going to spy in the bushes or come visit? No way are we going there - not over my dead body." So I told him about the rest of the emails. The rest of the issues haven't sunk in with him yet - he just keeps coming back to disbelief that she would ask us to come to the town where they live. Then he threw in the statement that if she were starving and out on the streets, he might lower himself to give her the name of the nearest homeless shelter, but he sure wouldn't give her $$. And over his dead body would Sister or I give Mom gas $$. (Since BIL is in Iraq, Husband has appointed himself protector of my Sister).

So, I have been working on my response to Mom. T cautioned me not to make excuses. I tend to do that so automatically that I swear I've rewritten this thing 20 times. I tend to be the long rambling type (no comments!) and it's hard to be brief. I had Husband review it too. Here's what we ended up with -

Well it seems y'all had quite the conversation without me

Just to clarify, the plan was always to meet with you (Mom) on the same day as meeting with my friend since both were in G-City Going to Husband's parents came up later and it just seemed easier since it's shorter to their house from G-City than to our house from G-City. So the fact that we are going to his parents makes it easier on me - not harder. I didn't mind going to the far side (your side) of G-City, but to go all the way to D-ville is too far. It's not the gas, but the drive. I just can't see having Daughter or I do an extra 1 1/2 hours in half a day. We'll just have to try for another time - although I imagine my travel capability will diminish even further as time goes on! I'm off to put my feet up - darn things look like sausages.

We'll see what response I get.

In a total twist, and beautifully illustrating the concept of sacrifice that T was talking about, I have to share the conversation Husband had with his mother - as soon as I finish laughing.

My MIL and her side of the family are quite competitive and want everything to be exactly "even" (must be where my husband gets his tit for tat habit from). Someone mentioned doing a summer cookout and maybe having people bring stuff for our new baby. His family does big showers (with extended family) for first babies and then something small - usually just gifts from immediate family - for subsequent babies. MIL got a bee in her bonnet because nothing had been mentioned since. So she took it upon herself to organize a cookout this weekend, at her house. And since she has to outdo everyone else, she is ordering a cake with baby booties and making it a true shower type thing. My husband and I are alternating between embarrassment at her total lack of etiquette and laughter at her doing all this just so things are "even and fair." We're imagining the phone calls she is making - please come to my house for a baby shower for my son and DIL - bring presents...........

It doesn't go unnoticed by me though that my MIL knows the true meaning of love and sacrifice for family - not only is she going to spend her week organizing, cleaning, cooking, baking, etc. - but she is totally willing to ignore Emily Post's rule about showers. LOL Oh and MIL spent 10 minutes quizzing Husband about my cravings so she can make sure to have all my favorite foods there.

The Good Thing about the Rain - a Mom Rant

It's raining today...I'm glad...

Good News - my weekend just got less hectic.

Bad News - can be summed up in one word ---- Mom

My mother works second shift at a grocery store and her days off are Wed and Thurs. I work the traditional Monday to Friday. Of course I can't visit Mom at her house because she still lives with Toilet. So over the last several years when she visits I take off early on Wednesday and she visits that afternoon and leaves Thursday morning - because after all, she can't possibly stay Thursday night - she absolutely has to get home and have that whole day off to do her "stuff" before working Friday afternoon. I've given up on that fight - rolled my eyes and moved on.

My mom lives about 3 hours from my house. Toilet works in G-City, about halfway in between. It's also where he was hospitalized, the nearest big city and where they do all their medical stuff. So it's a trip they are used to taking.

Toilet is still out of work. Lots of medical bills. No savings. Too many credit card bills. They have no money. Mom hasn't been to my house since New Years - so she hasn't seen me pregnant. She's been whining about that for a long time. The last email go round was "even if you could get time off I don't think I have the gas money to come visit." No mom, I can't get time off because (1) I have a ton of OB appts; (2) I have a ton of ortho appts; (3) I use my time off for family vacations; and (4) I'm flying to see your other daughter whose husband is in Iraq.

But Daughter started asking about when she'd see Grandma again and guilt set in......

I have to go to G-City on Saturday to meet a friend and her daughter. She is buying some of my Daughter's outgrown clothes. On Sunday, my in-law family is having a cookout/pool party and baby shower for us. So I had it all planned it all out. I sent Mom and email to see if she wanted to meet in G-City for brunch, hang out a few hours before she had to work Sat. afternoon. Then I'd meet my friend and then drive to his folks (who live near there) and spend the night, with the shower on Sunday. It worked out well. Mom responded that maybe we could meet north of G-City (her direction) which would add 20-30 minutes to my trip. I whined to Sister but decided to let it go since she did have to work later that day and I knew money was tighter for her.

Mom (I think) assumed (although I never said) it would just be Daughter and me. Then Sister mentioned that my Husband ought to come since I'm meeting Mom so close to her house. I talked to Husband and he agreed. Plus he can visit gun stores while I meet with my friend. And we'd only have to take one car to his folks (save gas $$). Plus, after last week's travel and with my needing to stay off my feet more, it would be nice to have him drive.

I hadn't firmed up plans for Saturday yet. Was going to do that yesterday. Before I could, my sister emailed my mom an update about how our trip went and what all we did. So I replied to Mom and Sister with this message -

ME TO MOM - Well Sister beat me to the punch so you got the update! Let me know if you still want to meet up Saturday. Husband and I and Daughter are meeting with my friend/child sometime after lunch for a playdate and to exchange kids clothes (well the girls will have a playdate - I expect Husband will disappear to a sporting store). Then we all are driving to his folks that evening and spending the night. His family is having a cookout and baby shower for us Sunday. With gas prices, we decided it made more sense to all drive together and do it in one trip. So I'm glad his folks could set it up this Sunday as opposed to another weekend.Anyway, we're free until lunch so let me know your thoughts.

This is the message I got back this morning -

FROM MOM - So nice to hear from you both. Sounds like you had a great time. Enola, I was hoping to hear how the plane ride was, and how Daughter got along. Did she like flying?

As for Saturday...I really would like to see you. I checked a little online to see if there was a park this side of G-City we could meet at, but couldn't really find anything. Don't know if you'd wanna come up to DD Park in D-Ville or not. I really don't know much about it, have only been to one area...where there is a little path along the river. If you don't wanna come up that far, maybe we can do it another time. I know gas prices are horrible, and don't want you to have to do most of the running, but things here are so tight, not sure I could go much further.
Reread this and it sounds like I don't wanna see you, and I really do...so much. I miss you like crazy. Let me know. Love and hugs, Mom

Grrrr. First of all, I get slammed for not giving enough info. It's never enough for her. Big eyeroll there. Second, she wants me to come to D-Ville - her town?????

My first emotion was anger. Then sadness. Damn pregnancy hormones making me cry all the time. I hate crying. I despise crying over my mother. That makes me mad and prompts a major panic attack. How dare I cry over such a loser as her? She's not worth it.

I came on to work and got this email from my sister - WHAT THE F!!! Does she really think after flying up here and driving to Husband's folks that you will met in her back yard!!!

That kind of made me smile. I am very thankful I have a T appointment at 5. No worries about what we'll be discussing. I need to formulate a response that doesn't start off with Dear F-ing Bitch.......How Dare You?

Oh and I did check - it's 2 hours and 37 minutes for me to go to D-Ville. Sure Mom, ask the pregnant one to drive with a 4 year old 2 1/2 hours to see you for 2 hours or so, then 1 hour back to G-City, then 1 hour to In-laws. All so you can continue to buy lottery tickets, smoke and drink while your lazy ass husband lies on the couch and can't find a single job? Whatever......

I'm glad it's raining out - I can blame my smeared mascara on that....

Dreaming something

I wrote this post many days ago but haven't had the guts to post it. Too much of that "S" word (shame). Many thanks to two friends and bloggers that listened to my rambling concerns and reassured me things were okay. I decided to risk posting this in case others have had similar dreams/thoughts and might want the same reassurance.

So without further ado - and with my usual approach it in a roundabout way because it is too triggering to approach head on..........here it is --

Years ago I became involved in a custody case which turned into one of the nastiest I've ever handled. Dad and Mom are having marital issues. Dad's Sister finally (after many years) reveals that the real reason she and Dad are estranged is because he sexually assaulted her for years as they were growing up, only stopping when she ran away from home as a teen and he left home. Mom and Dad eventually separate and Mom expresses concern about Dad's actions toward their toddler. Dad denies everything with regard to his daughter, but admits everything with regard to his sister. No excuses - just a "we were kids" type of explanation. (note he several years older than her). After months and months of hearings, Dad finally comes up with his "justification" for the abuse, saying that a babysitter molested him. We found that hard to believe because his timeline didn't add up, nor did the facts.

In any event, we had dad undergo extensive evaluation, including a sex-offender specific evaluation. At trial the focus was on whether a person, who admitted to being "inappropriate" with his sister, expressed no remorse, tried to say it was consensual, and claimed to be the victim of molestation, was suitable to be around his daughter. My co-counsel handled that part of the hearing and repeatedly argued recidivism rates - and that someone who is abused is far more likely to abuse others.

This was pre-any-therapy for me. Frankly I didn't like the Dad - he was creepy. So any argument to keep him away from any child was okay in the moment, at the time. But afterwards it didn't sit well with me. About the same time, my sister gave birth to her second child - but first daughter (oldest child is a boy). She had a breakdown so to speak, and ended up hospitalized. She strongly encouraged me to seek counseling before having children. So I did.


My main focus was on what I needed to do to prepare myself to be a good parent in light of my dysfunctional childhood. I wanted reassurance that I was "safe" to have kids. I wanted to know what rules to put in place, especially as I still was playing the "perfect family game" with Mom and Toilet. At the conclusion of that counseling term (not same T as I meet with now)- about 6-7 months maybe - I felt like I was prepared to deal from that date forward. But I hadn't addressed any of the past issues. That round of counseling helped me have the guts to cut off contact with Toilet when I got pregnant.


So all that background rambling to say...I thought I had resolved the "if you're abused you turn into an abuser" fallacy. Because I know I would never intentionally hurt a child. And I'd kill anyone who did anything to my daughter. But the other night I had a horrible dream. I can't remember all the details. Well maybe I could, but I don't want too. If I've blocked them out, so be it. I'm good with that. But in my dream I was the monster - to a young girl and then a girl who turned into part boy. I knew it was wrong and tried to stop but got caught and then had to turn myself in and hope I could get help without losing my parental rights. It was a horrible dream. I remember saying "I didn't want to do it. I couldn't help myself."


I woke up sweaty and sick. Did doze off again only to wake up panicky. Took a very hot shower to try to wash off the filth I felt. I don't understand how I can dream something like that? How can my mind even go there? I was scared to even hug my daughter this morning.

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Several days and two shout-outs to friends later, I feel a bit better about the nightmare. It helps that I've had some wacky pregnancy dreams in the last several days too. I forgot how wacky your dreams can become when you only sleep in 2 hour spurts and pregnancy hormones are racing through your body. Maybe I'm just using that as an excuse, but so be it. Although I would like to know if any of you have had similar type dreams?

Return from Vacation - update

I am back. Not quite awake though. I need to dig out at work and unpack at home.

Our flight out was great. Daughter was ecstatic about our trip and her first flight. The only downside was that Dunkin Donuts in the airport did not have chocolate sprinkle donuts - so she had to settle for chocolate glazed. Not to worry - her Aunt bought her TWO (yes 2) chocolate sprinkle donuts the next morning.

The kids ran around and played outside Wednesday. Sister and I lounged by the blow up pool, read magazines and chatted. We had Sister's small group Bible study at her house Wed. evening with about 8 adults and countless kids. It was kind of nice being able to let Daughter outside without watching her every moment - the older kids, including her older cousin, kept an eye on her and made sure she stayed out of the street. Actually I could count on her 5 1/2 year old cousin to yell at me any time Daughter even remotely thought of doing something, "Aunt Enola, Daughter is _________ and that is NOT allowed."

Sister adopted a new 10 week old kitten while we were up there and Daughter loved it. Poor cat - coming into a house with 4 children. It got more holding and loving than it ever wanted.

On Thursday we hit the Chesapeake Bay area and went swimming. There was a park with clean bathrooms and changing rooms, a small cafe and an inlet where the waves were minimal and kids could walk out about 100 yards before it was over their head. It was lovely. I alternated sitting in the sun reading a book and cooling off in the water. I even managed to get flat on my back on a raft and have some WARM time :) The kids delighted in flipping me off the raft when I was done - no way could I sit myself up. I also flopped myself down, face first, on one of those round donut rafts with the hole in the middle - perfect for my belly. It was SO nice to lay on my stomach - first time in months. My back loved it. (I'm going to make Husband blow up our own raft and put it in the living room!)

Our fireworks got rained out. Just as well. No way the kiddos would have made it to 10 pm to watch. We cooked s'mores in the microwave and lit off a few pops in the driveway. We did light off some more the next night and had a cookout in the backyard to roast marshmallows.

Sister and I made it through all the loose pictures but didn't get to the albums. We made 3 piles - To Keep so I can scrapbook pile; pics of mom's family that we didn't want and will give to her; and Ew this is gross, who the heck is this, I don't want it, trash pile (too wet to burn that night). I paid special attention to pictures of the boys/men that were in pictures. My parents weren't too careful about who they left Sister and I alone with. There are 4 adult men and 2 teenage boys that Sister and I spent a lot of time with. I still have niggling suspicions that there is something I'm not remembering from years past - some general feelings of disgust/distaste but nothing major. My mother did not look happy at all, except in one picture. There were a ton of posed pictures, but no candid snuggling shots. A definite difference between the pictures Sister & I take of our families versus pictures of us. In just a few pictures did Sister and I appear genuinely happy as compared to "smile for the camera."

The last day there was a day of exhaustion. Sister took her daughter out for some girl time. I asked the others what they wanted to do and oldest Nephew confessed that he really wanted some uninterrupted, quiet time on the computer by himself, without having to share with his brother. No problem I said. His smile was thanks enough. He had time alone for two hours while I refereed between my Daughter and youngest nephew. Those two fight like cats and dogs. Pinching, shoving, name calling, bossing. I was worn out. I finally separated them and played games with each. Then Sister came home and took the boys out - dropped the youngest at a birthday party and took the oldest out for one-on-one time. The girls and I went shopping and then they played Barbies, quietly, while I tried to nap - boys sure are different than girls! Later Sister caught a movie with friends while I referred all 4 kids. I was exhausted that night.

My flight was late. We sat on the runway for 1 hour waiting our "turn" to take off. I was behind a pregnant woman, her husband and two kids. In front of them was another family with a baby. It was not at all quiet. Our flight was supposed to land at 1, so Daughter and I had snacked, but no lunch. Luckily I had a protein bar with me and some M&Ms. We didn't get home until 4.

Husband says he "cleaned the whole house" - which means he swept all the floors, mopped the kitchen, and put the dishes away. He forgot to scrub the bathroom, dust, make the beds or change sheets, put away Daughter's clothes, straighten up and do laundry. But I bit my tongue as he complained about how hard it was to do all that. I praised him while trying not to choke on my laughter. I did tell him that he needed to do laundry tonight. He is regretting his desire for a house with a basement and stairs. Walking up any stairs prompts braxton hicks contractions for me so it's all on him now! He'll also have to do the grocery shopping this week. I'm in the swelling in the heat stage - after working all day I'll need to lie down with my feet up. Since he ate all the food I bought before I left, he'll need to buy more for this week.

I'm done with travelling now. A few short day trips for work or family events. But nothing over 2 hours. We start refresher lamaze, hospital tours, sibling tours and baby preparations now. Only 11 weeks left.

500th Blog Post and general update

It's my 500th Post ! I'd like to thank the behind the scenes people (that would be you, my faithful readers).


General Update
* I had my ob appt this week. Up 1 pound only. Why is it I can just gain 1 pound but all of my clothes suddenly don't fit? Of course all the consignment shops have their fall line out. So I had to go to the mall and pay full price.

* My glucose screening and blood pressure were great. Iron is a little low. Time to eat more brocoli.

* I am growing a future soccer player, who apparently is sitting vertically. All the better to kick my bladder, prompting FOURTEEN (yes 14) trips to the bathroom last night, as well as to kick my ribs causing much breathlessness. Apparently I rolled over a bit too far last night and squished him. No fear - he kicked me until I woke up from a sound sleep. It was soccer time then - he had a grand 'ol party in my belly. I swear he his going to pop right out of my stomach soon.

* "I am leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again ..........." Well, okay, I'll be back on Sunday. But I am flying out tomorrow to see my crazy sister and her 3 children. BIL is still in Iraq so it's just us sisters. We will hit the beach one day, movies another, and just have fun. She has bought 4 gallons of ice cream - one for her, one for me, one for the baby, and one for the 4 kids to split. With her three children - ages 9, 7 and 5 and my 4 year old - we'll have our hands full. My sister has in her possession, all of our childhood photos and all of the family photos too. We plan a big s'mores cooking bonfire out back. Then some wine (for her) and chocolate milk (for me) and we plan to burn some of the photos.

* My husband is staying home to work. He'll also sand the walls in the baby's room so we can paint the nursery. Then he's going to his folks to be spoiled.

* My daughter is super excited about her first flight. If you want a laugh, picture me waddling (yes I do waddle now) through the airport tugging a pull behind suitcase, a toddler, a carry on and me. I may rent one of those sky cabs. I've always wanted to ride in one and cry out in this nasal voice "watch the tram car please."

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So..in a nutshell if you see a pregnant whale at the beach or a waddling duck in the airport, ask if it's me :) Quack Quack.

Happy 4th of July to my fellow Americans - say a special prayer for our service people, like my brother, and for others that have lost loved ones in the war.

Running Away from You

In T this week, she was talking about things that a mom had said about being burnt out on being a mom to her two children. I could have finished her sentences. If I didn't know better, I'd have sworn that T had somehow magically gone back in time and had been talking to my mother.


When do I get me time?
They always want something.
I just don't like them.
I can't handle them.
I don't enjoy being a mother.
They're needy.

Yep that's a child for you - helpless, needy little twit who has the nerve to want some love and attention.

Lots of memories - my mom running away. Mom saying "I just need some time for myself." Mom repeatedly telling us that after work, it was her time and we shouldn't be expecting her to do things - like cook dinner, help with homework, take us to practices or events. Mom getting irate when we would come home with a list of things we needed for school. Mom yelling and screaming when we would need something to complete a project. She'd either yell about the money or the fact that she had to take time out of her evening to go to the store. Eventually I just saved my babysitting money and bought it myself - walking up to the store.

And a connection - when Husband talks about hunting as being "his time" it really sets me off. I do believe that he (and I) need time for ourselves. But it has to be broached very carefully. Probably why I don't mind his hunting trips so much when he takes Daughter with him - especially now that she talks so well and tells me all about their time together - and he does spend time with her even when hunting. He always makes time to take her out on the golf cart, to visit his uncle's farm and buys the ingredients so that she and his mom can bake together.

I did that mosaic tag post a few days ago and one of the questions was "what do you want to be when you grow up?" I thought about my job, being rich, a millionaire, a hermit on an island and other things. But really, what I want is nothing more than to be a good mother. So that's what I chose. My mother would have said rich.