On January 1, 2008, I wrote here that at the end of the year I wanted to be able to say "I still have bad days, but I used to have bad years." I didn't think I would be able to accomplish that goal. Well, guess what?
I DO STILL HAVE BAD DAYS, BUT OVERALL THIS HAS BEEN A GREAT YEAR.!!!!!
On January 3, 2008 I wrote about needing to "shit or get off the pot." Well, sadly I've not moved much. Husband and I are still doing the dance where we slip into old roles, then back out. I've also not come to any conclusions about what to do with Mom.
In January I celebrated my blog's first birthday. I also discovered that I was pregnant. Whew! That shaped the entire year. I had to quickly wean off all the medications. I had finally found a drug cocktail that was working, and I had to get off.
I struggled with adjusting to my toddler turning into a pre-schooler. I can't believe this year she will start in kindergarten. She is definitely opinionated. I still struggle with discipline issues.
The major life event, besides pregnancy, was home remodelling. Buying a new house and then finding out that (1) you can't do anything because you're pregnant, (2) you need to switch around remodel priorities before baby arrives, and (3) you have no money because you're having a baby.
I traveled quite a bit. With BIL in Iraq, there were more trips to visit my sister. With our annual beach trip cancelled, we took advantage of that free week to go visit some dear friends that have become family. Words can't explain how it feels to be welcomed in by people you've not met in real life, but who have read all about you on-line and want to meet you anyway.
Healthwise the pregnancy took focus. At first I was convinced I'd die without all the medications. Coming off was sheer hell. But I survived. And did okay. Had insomnia awhile. The panic attacks haven't been terrible and the depression and anxiety is manageable. I'm now just taking zoloft and surviving.
I still struggle with verbalizing. But writing is still a good way for me to process things. I dealt with a realization that I really struggle with body image and food issues.
I wrote the story of my father - an odd one that is for sure.
September 17th I celebrated one year of being SI-free. Yeah!!! That is a huge milestone. I won't pretend that I don't struggle. I do. I think I always will.
After October, focus turned to the new little one. He sure is different than my daughter. That has been a challenge. I thrive on routine and now I don't have one. He has been in the hospital once and currently has RSV. He is much needier than my daughter. My daughter is adapting well. She's more clingy and wants to be held a lot. I have trouble with too much snuggles - after nursing and holding a baby all day, I mostly want to be left alone.
I started out 2008 with weekly (and sometimes more often) counseling sessions. Now I don't have any more scheduled. I think I will want and need to go back sometime. Just to work through a few loose ends. The birth of Baby was a turning point and a natural way to stop for awhile. But I miss having an objective viewpoint from someone that knows all (and I do mean all) about me.
As I peruse back through 2008, I realize that my husband and I are struggling with many of the same issues - hunting, leadership, priorities. We have conquered some - taking charge a bit more. I also see that a majority of my bad days relate to contact with my mother. And that deserves careful consideration and contemplation.
In 2009, I will have a Daughter who starts kindergarten. My son will learn to sit up, crawl, walk and run. I have to make a decision about my job and career path. I need to lose this baby weight, but I'm scared to start. I know the potential to become obsessive with exercise and weight. I need to be careful and do this right.
I can honestly say that 2008 was a year of progress. I never, ever thought that I would have come this far in one year. It's amazing. And to look back further, it is absolutely astonishing how far I've come since starting down this road of recovery. I can honestly say that I have more good days than bad. And I hope that continues.
I'm looking forward to seeing where 2009 takes all of us.
Happy New Year! Wishing all of you health and happiness this year.