The why of the what.
I do not like change.
I do not like uncertainty.
I hate financial decisions.
Change scares me. It hasn't always turned out well in my life. Change based on finances has never boded well for me. Every major change in my life has revolved around employment changes - namely my father's my mother's and Toilet's. New job meant new schedules meant new routines. It threw me off guard. All the precautions I would take would go out the window.
To my dad, you were only as good as what you did. There was great value in your job and success. I fell right into that trap. I loved introducing myself as an attorney. Well pride goeth before a fall, right? It took awhile but I've learned that there is no pride in what I do, only that I do whatever I choose the best that I can. Right now I'd love to do nothing other than stay-at-home, volunteer somewhere, raise my children. Taking this new job means a loss of prestige. I know that not too long ago that would really bother me. But not one person I've discussed this with has mentioned that. I know my firm will though - there is a lot of pride in that building.
To my mom, your job was just somewhere you went to slave. It was something to dread. I like my current job. I don't want to switch and find out I hate my new employment, or that it is mundane and boring.
My Sister (oh wise one) told me not to dare make this decision out of guilt. See -there is some guilt. These people took a chance on me. They have invested time and energy into training me. I've just finished maternity leave - for which I was paid. I have some guilt over leaving. But as Sister says, there have been enough decisions made over guilt in our life. And 5 years from now I won't feel any guilt.
I get stuck in the status quo. I'm afraid to shoot for the stars. I'm afraid to try to be happy. I'm terrified of disappointing people. And the thought of telling the partners that I'm leaving leaves me quaking. Give me a nasty court battle any time - just don't ask me to fight for myself. I know there will be judgment in that room and hurt feelings. I panic at the thought.
For the first time in a long time, I really longed for the SI days. That would have helped last night to get the emotions under control. Instead I took an ambien and escaped the thoughts and dreams. Managed to sleep a little without tossing and turning.
I know what I'm going to do. I'm 99.9% sure I'll take the job. I just dread the process of doing it.