Monday, January 19, 2009

Control - Change - Uncertainty - They WHY of the what

The why of the what.

I do not like change.

I do not like uncertainty.

I hate financial decisions.

Change scares me. It hasn't always turned out well in my life. Change based on finances has never boded well for me. Every major change in my life has revolved around employment changes - namely my father's my mother's and Toilet's. New job meant new schedules meant new routines. It threw me off guard. All the precautions I would take would go out the window.

To my dad, you were only as good as what you did. There was great value in your job and success. I fell right into that trap. I loved introducing myself as an attorney. Well pride goeth before a fall, right? It took awhile but I've learned that there is no pride in what I do, only that I do whatever I choose the best that I can. Right now I'd love to do nothing other than stay-at-home, volunteer somewhere, raise my children. Taking this new job means a loss of prestige. I know that not too long ago that would really bother me. But not one person I've discussed this with has mentioned that. I know my firm will though - there is a lot of pride in that building.
To my mom, your job was just somewhere you went to slave. It was something to dread. I like my current job. I don't want to switch and find out I hate my new employment, or that it is mundane and boring.

My Sister (oh wise one) told me not to dare make this decision out of guilt. See -there is some guilt. These people took a chance on me. They have invested time and energy into training me. I've just finished maternity leave - for which I was paid. I have some guilt over leaving. But as Sister says, there have been enough decisions made over guilt in our life. And 5 years from now I won't feel any guilt.

I get stuck in the status quo. I'm afraid to shoot for the stars. I'm afraid to try to be happy. I'm terrified of disappointing people. And the thought of telling the partners that I'm leaving leaves me quaking. Give me a nasty court battle any time - just don't ask me to fight for myself. I know there will be judgment in that room and hurt feelings. I panic at the thought.

For the first time in a long time, I really longed for the SI days. That would have helped last night to get the emotions under control. Instead I took an ambien and escaped the thoughts and dreams. Managed to sleep a little without tossing and turning.

I know what I'm going to do. I'm 99.9% sure I'll take the job. I just dread the process of doing it.


lawyerchik said...

I will be praying for you, Enola. You've outlined some things here that are part of you. You can't just make a decision and "boom" everything that makes you who you are is magically gone.

beauty said...

I totally understand your fear of telling your current employers that you're moving on (if this is what you decide to do.) What occurred to me as I read this post was, well she only has to have that conversation with them once. She only has to deal with their anger or judgment or whatever one time, and then she's out of there on her way to a whole new beginning.

I don't know if this helps or not. Sometimes when faced with something hard, this is what I tell myself: I only have to do this hard thing one time, then I'm done. I can live through it one time--I've lived through so much more.

(By the way, everyone has doubts and fears as they go through life. That's being human, that's all.)

Kahless said...

I think you have done a great deal of work over the years as you recognise what is going on and through it all then can make the right decision for you and your family, rather than one driven by your past.

dm said...

You can always come work for me, and join my wacky crew.

Won't be able to pay as well as this other offer, but I guarantee you'll have fun.

If you're really tempted to SI pick up the phone and call...any time.

Joy said...

Enola - How exciting AND scary! I think many of us have been there - I have. I'll be praying for you. Change IS difficult. Routine IS nice! You know what - it only take 10 times for something to be routine. That's 2 working weeks for your new job to be "routine." YOU CAN DO IT! if that is what you decide. And if not..... you'll stay where you are.

Hugs, my long-time cyber friend.

Anonymous said...

I could be wrong but it seems to me that there is no greater change than growing a human being in your belly, giving birth and dedicating the rest of your life to that little human.

That's change.

As for prestige... it can only be found in your heart.

Your greatest desire is to be home with your children. Won't this new job allow you more of exactly that?

Won't your husband and children know what to expect out of honey/mommy on a day to day basis?

County agencies are always look to their employees for some type of volunteer stuff.

Rising Rainbow said...

Enola, it doesn't really matter what those people think. You have done your job there to the best of your ability, they don't own you. And they aren't entitled to decide what you do with your life. Whether they approve or not is NOT your problem. It is theirs. You are entitled to move on if that's what you want to do.

And you can darn well bet if they had a decision to make that envolved letting you go, they wouldn't worry about your feelings, they would do what is best for them. It would be business to them. And that's what this decision is to you, business, your business.

Don't get hung up on thinking you have to please them or have their approval. The only one you have to please is you. If you are true to yourself, that's what matters.