Thursday, February 26, 2009

Here's Your Sign - part 2

Given the comments to my last post and this blog post here, I'm thinking that at best, my sense of humor didn't shine through, and at worst I pissed some people off. It's also apparent that no one here watches Blue Collar TV.

Let me be perfectly clear - I value comments, even ones I don't agree with. On the other hand, I am not trying to be objective here. I write for ME. I spent a lot of years not having feelings - suppressing them and denying them. When I first started acknowledging them, I'll admit my husband took the brunt of my anger. He was safe (is safe). I know without a doubt he'd never strike out in anger or retaliation. I can say that I've gotten better - much, much better - at expressing myself. This blog is now a place where I get in tune with my emotions and vent. I'm not trying to present both sides. I'm just venting. Call it my anger work, if you will.

Husband did make some of the comments referenced in my last post for real. (some of my comments were said out loud - others were kept in my head). He was clueless about how things worked around here. He would ask permission to do things - like bathe our daughter. He would really ask if Daughter needed a coat when it was 20 degrees out. Instead of just stopping and thinking about it a moment. He could not (well, would not is a better way of saying it) make any decisions. I was in charge of everything. Part of that was my fault. I'm a control freak. He grew up being babied by his folks. For awhile we matched well together. I was the controlling one. He was the puppy dog that followed me around and did what I said. We were both miserable.

In counseling I learned to let go. To not have an answer for everything. "I don't know" was a constant refrain. Husband would say, "Do we have pintos?" and I'd say "I don't know." Husband would say, "Does Daughter need a coat?" I'd say, "I don't know, what do you think?"

Husband got some counseling of his own. Also as I let things go, he inevitably had to pick up some of the slack. But the questions continued - I guess out of habit. Rather than roll my eyes and sigh (have to confess I used to do a lot of that), I started making a joke about it.

Anyway, we love the "Here's Your Sign" skit and will say that to one another. I can be very sarcastic and so I will sometimes (okay a lot) spout off a sarcastic comment. Husband on the other hand, makes a joke. He's a real jokester.

Husband knows I hate when he jokes or laughs at me when I'm mad. And I know he hates when I am sarcastic when he is mad. I try not too. Sometimes I do mess up and he'll tell me to "stop being a smart ass."

I told my husband about the post I wrote and some of the comments. He wanted to know why I didn't write about any of the stupid things I said/did :) I told him he was welcome to start his own blog.........

I did ask my Husband if he thought I was passive aggressive. Frankly I laughed at that. My mother is passive aggressive, and I shudder at the thought of being anything like her, so I'm darn sure I'm not. My husband laughed too. He said, "heck no you're not passive aggressive. You'll just say it like it is. You're not afraid to speak your mind., that's for sure." Not sure if that was a compliment or not?

Laurie/Casey - I am sorry that you were triggered. I assure you that I'm not the Silent - or violent - type. My abuser was one to ridicule everything I did. I definitely know the difference between humorous sarcasm and meanness. My husband jokes back and is sarcastic just as much as me. Of course I'm not going to write about all the stupid things I do !!

And now, since Husband just asked me if the laundry was done as the big hamper full of clean dry laundry is sitting right here, I'm going to go give him his sign (that's a joke if anyone missed it).

10 comments:

Ethereal Highway said...

There is nothing wrong with anger work, Enola. I'm glad you're not afraid to speak your mind. Good for you! AND for those around you. I have noticed that life is more difficult for those who can't embrace their own rage. And I completely understand being irritated. My husband was the youngest and a 'mid-life surprise' baby. His mother was a total coddler to the Nth extreme. When I met my husband, he didn't even know how to hang up a pair of trousers. He was 30 years old! We fought for YEARS over his passive-aggressive stuff, too. Thankfully, he was not doing it on purpose and brought it to an end when he understood it. He used to relish his own incompetence (unconsciously) so I could be stuck making all the decisions and doing every lame chore he didn't want to do. If I had never gone off on his ass, he never would have seen the magnitude of the problem and would have done nothing. We probably wouldn't have made it because I can't picture myself living out my life as his momma. Ugh.

Too many times men get a pass because women let them. I could write a book here, ya know? Did I ever tell you about the time my ex (and I stress EX) sent the boy to school in a pajama top when I had to leave the house at the crack of dawn to make a meeting? Because it was a Superman top and the boy REALLY LIKED Superman (actually it was because the ex was a careless turd, but that's another story and I was so freakin' happy and relieved the day it ended in divorce court).

:-)

mssc54 said...

I think one of the tricks to this blogging is to recognise when someone is being just plain ole hateful. Just because a commentor screws the pooch on one comment doesn't mean they were trying to cause (personal) harm.

Holding a grudge is counterproductive.

austin said...

Enola,

This comment may not make it through and that's okay but I need to be very truthful with you here. When I read your blog I see a very controlling person who sets her husband up to fail. He doesn't do anything right and you down him most every time you talk about him. He's an incompetent flub up who won't think for himself and who needs you to come and clean up after him. That's mostly what I get out of your entries.

I of all people know what it's like to write rant/rave entries that are one sided. I do it all the time. I go off on my landlord or my ex-gf on the blog so that when I'm talking to them in person I'm calm enough to do so and can talk to them without borderline tendencies.

As far as this being your blog, I agree, this is YOURS and you can say whatever you like how ever you like. But if comments are left open then it says to me the blogger is okay with feedback. When I leave feedback I attempt to write it in a way that I think I could hear it if the words were said to me. No one hears feedback if it's cruel and battering so I try my best to word things in a way I think I could eventually hear them.

So here's the thing....
I've seen the pattern I spoke of above in your entries and I've seen comments come in that pretty much encourage you to continue the course you're on. However, I am not and will never be a follower. I'm also not one to set out to hurt people but I'll tell ya, I get frustrated sometimes because from the information I have from your entries you set your husband up to fail and you ride his butt hard making it nearly impossible for him to please you.

What happens when you write an entry about how stupid he can be? What happens when you write about how he failed you or disappointed your or when you call him a mama's boy? You end up with 6 or 7 comments of sympathy. You degrade him but you're built up. You'll get a few who will support your behavior when in fact Enola someone should have said long ago that this man is constantly degraded.

I've done mean stuff too. I'm no exception for stepping outside of kindness. When I do I hope someone will refuse to jump on the bandwagon. I hope they'll tell me the truth. I hope they'll say to me, hey, there's a pattern of unkindness here and there's a pattern of mixed messages and degrading this person.

Do not cheat me by getting on a bandwagon. Only by truth will I grow.

I will not cheat you by getting on the bandwagon. I'll also try to be tactful and kind while telling you the truth. I may fail at this from time to time.

Austin <- authentic, perhaps to a fault

Janey said...

Some people just take stuff TOO seriously

Enola said...

Ethereal/Lynn - your comment is exactly what I was trying to say. My husband is not doing it on purpose but he has relished his own imcompetence and the break it bought him. Now that he's having to make decisions and incur consequences, life isn't so much fun. Then again, I'm having to sit back and let him make decisions that often I don't agree with - and that's not fun either. But it is life.

Austin - you're right - I am controlling. I'm working on it. My husband is not incompetent. But he acts like it a lot. He's working on that too. I vent here, and yes am mean and nasty in what I say here about him sometimes. I do that because I can see he is making effort. So while his setbacks piss me off, I don't want to go off on him. Because he is trying. So I vent here and then let it go. I know the spririt of your comments and I appreciate them, even when it's pointed.

I do think bandwagons go both ways. I think the first comment often sets the tone. A person thinks something is funny and everyone else sees it humorously. And vice versa. I do appreciate your willingness to look at it differently.

I do realize my posts come across harsh sometimes. I've written before about extremes and having trouble finding the middle ground. I went from no emotions/anger to fits of horrible anger. This blog is about letting go of the horrible anger safely so I can discuss things productively later.

In real life, the pinto-bean type conversations are different. I've asked Husband - do you really want an answer? Do you want me to ignore you? Are you talking out loud? Does it make you mad if I joke about it?

austin said...

I do what you do. I go off on people on my blog so that in real life I don't. Since the first part of your post said the conversations were real and didn't include that some of it was said in your head I could only assume that you actually said these things.

I don't think your husband is incompetent, it's just the tone of entries about him that makes me think you may treat him that way.

You're controlling. I'm highly opinionated. We have our faults. Neither of us should be written off for it.

Austin

beauty said...

I would like to join this "debate" but my last comment didn't make it through...

Kahless said...

I just want to say hi and that I was here.

{{{{Enola}}}}

lawyerchik said...

It figures I would miss out on stuff!! I LOVE the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, and that was what I thought about when I read it. At least those who had concerns about it felt comfortable bringing it up.

Enola said...

Austin - I did say "real" but I meant that to distinguish from the video and quotes that I copied from another source.

Beauty - I didn't delete any comments except one of my own. Not sure what happened to yours.