Monday, April 6, 2009

Returning to Earth after a Long Flight

I'm back from my trip down LaLa Lane. For the past two weeks, I have been taking pain medication constantly. I've spent the time floating in LaLa Land. It was both good and bad.

Being sick reminds me of all the times I was sick growing up and ignored. Cramp-like pains are really bad. The remind me of the menstrual cramps I got at age 10 and 11. The ones that caused Toilet to "help" by bringing me a heating pad and rubbing my belly. So being tended to when sick is both good and bad.

It was nice that my husband helped out so much this time. I made sure to tell him repeatedly how much I appreciated all that he did, and especially his being there.

The pain medication makes me fuzzy headed. That is both good and bad too. I'm out of control which is bad. I am dizzy headed and things are less than clear. On the other hand, when I am triggered, escaping into fuzz land is welcome. So I go back and forth between fighting the fog and escaping into it. The result - I end up exhausted.

In the midst of everything I remembered I had xanax in my closet. And since I wasn't able to nurse on the pain meds anyway, I could go ahead and take a xanax. So I added xanax into the bunch of meds I was taking. I sure slept a lot !

I "like" taking pain meds because the pain itself is triggering. But I dislike it too because of the fuzz-head effect. And because I know the struggles I have had with other addiction behavior, and how very easily I could get addicted to pills.

I also found the depression much worse. Not sure if it was from being sick (I hate being sick), being stuck inside in bed for so long, or what. I'm keeping an eye on that to make sure it gets better.

Today is day 1 of back to work. It's also day 1 of being entirely off medication. I've been jittery all day. I feel as if I've drunk too much caffeine. Hoping this ends soon.


austin said...

Back and forth will exhaust you in a heartbeat and being sick depresses the mind and body even without abuse issues. It's no fun at all but when you add in abuse issues the slightest illness (yours wasn't slight) can take an emotional toll we aren't quite prepared to pay yet again.

Welcome back to earth,

lawyerchik said...

I'm glad you are getting back in the neighborhood of "normal," Enola. One thing about the med/depression connection, you may be experiencing a rebound effect depending on what you were taking. If that's the case, you should "bounce back" more once the drugs are out of your system.....

Hope you continue to feel better!!

Anonymous said...

Glad to hear you made it through this rough patch, and that your hubby was such a help to you.

As Austin said, welcome back to earth!