Friday, May 22, 2009

My Father is Dead


I am in Walmart grocery shopping. I'm waiting in line at the deli and decide to see if I have messages. I pull out my hot pink blackberry and notice a facebook message. It is my cousin. He says "sorry to hear about your dad. Not sure how you feel but we are praying for you."

Huh? I call my sister. She knows nothing. I pick up my cheese and meander over to the check-out line. All the while typing to my cousin. "I don't know what you are talking about. Call me please." I give my cell phone.

I hit 411 and get my aunt's phone number. I leave her a message. I look and I've missed a call. My cousin. I call him back. "I'm so sorry to tell you this. I never meant for you to find out on facebook.....your dad died. Heart attack. No one knows details. No one in the family has had contact with him since nana's funeral."

(** the back story of my dad was told in 4 parts - Part one, two, three and four)
When I wrote the back story, I said this, "Thus ends the story of Dad. I've not had a real relationship with him in 16 years. I've not had any contact at all in 5 years. I suspect I may learn of his demise from my aunts/uncles (his sisters and brothers) but then again I might not."

I do not remember the rest of the Walmart trip, except that I apologized to the cashier for being on the phone. I called my sister and told her - I think the poor cashier overheard things - she looked sorrowfully at me. I called my husband - not sure what I said, but he met me at home.

When I got home I started googling. I could not find an obituary. I finally found a listing of funeral homes in his area. Searching all led me to find that the funeral is Wednesday.

So now what? I'm numb. I have all sorts of thoughts going through my head.

Go to the funeral? My two uncles and one aunt are going. Another aunt may go depending on her chem treatment.

It is an 8 hour drive to my sister's. Then two hours to the funeral. What to do with the kids? Would definitely not bring them.

Will it cause a scene if we go? Probably would. He adopted her four children. The youngest was 3 when they married - probably 20 or so now. That's the only dad he knew. Those kids are innocent in all this - I don't want to cause a scene and disrupt their mourning. Could go and stay in back.

At this point, sister and I are leaning toward just having our own private funeral service at the graveyard in July when we were scheduled to go visit.

I guess it is over. No more chance of reconciliation.

Wonder if he changed things back? Wonder if anything will come my way? Maybe it's crass to think of it, but heck, he promised to pay for my education and then didn't at the last moment. He's very wealthy. If he left things to his "children" then I'd get something. I'd take it too. Pay off my school loans.

It would be nice to have the closure of the funeral. It would be nice to see aunts and uncles.
Have any of you dealt with this? What did you do?
My head hurts

8 comments:

Shimmer said...

Bless you,Enola. I understand the way only a fellow survivor understands and I'm so very glad you are healing. You did not desereve to be treated so and I'm proud that you stay away from them and do not allow them to overtly cause you anguish anymore. May love always surround and embrace you from now on for you are a beautiful,beautiful soul.

Shimmer said...

Bless you,Enola. I understand the way only a fellow survivor understands and I'm so very glad you are healing. You did not desereve to be treated so and I'm proud that you stay away and do not allow them to overtly cause you anguish anymore. May love always surround and embrace you from now on for you are a beautiful,beautiful soul.

lawyerchik said...

Oh, I am so sorry, Enola! I can't imagine what you must be going through trying to sort out everything. That's the tricky thing about death: it's pretty final in so many ways. No way to find out exactly what someone else was thinking - really thinking - about what was going on in their lives or yours, no possibility of their voice on the other end of the phone line. You don't get them back to even demand an explanation for stuff.....

I can't tell you about the funeral. I went to my aunt's funeral, and while it was good to see relatives - and strike up a relationship with them again - it also was very painful in other ways. Use your best judgment and recognize that no matter what you choose, at some point down the road, you will wish you had done things differently.

[[[[[HUGS]]]]]

Paul from Mind Parts said...

I am very sorry Enola. I am shocked because I know your last post was about how many funerals there were. I don't have any advice for you. Except to say the best thing is to find a way to calm yourself and talk it over with your husband. Paul.

prochaskas said...

I'm sorry, Enola. Yet another one, as Paul noted. And such a one!

There may not be one right answer about the funeral. God give you peace in whatever you choose to do.

Ethereal Highway said...

I wish I could advise, but I have no idea what I would do in that situation. I could sure picture you on your blackberry at the Walmart, though. What a way to get the news. I feel for you, Enola.

Lynx217 said...

I've been in similar. My family disowned me after I left home, and when my Mom died, it was suddenly my fault, even tho we talked constantly and were on even better terms than when I was still living back home. I had a lot less time to ponder whether or not to try to make it to the funeral - less than 48 hours - and it came down to whether Mom would want me to spend over 700 to go see her body. I would have definitely ruined everything for everyone, even though I had more right than many to be there. I'm glad I didn't, and reading your next post, you have the right plan. Go by yourself (or with your sister) and just let all your unfinished business out. Release it all - now is the time. He's dead, and now you need to let your negative feelings of everything go too. It will be ok, my dear, and if you need anything, drop me an email, I'll be home through Monday.

flashbacks and the like said...

we are deeply deeply sorry for the pain of this death not because of his death but of your grief as you work throguh this different process of grief and it will be different