Friday, May 22, 2009

Not Welcome - Not Wanted

I have been all over the map this evening. Sister and I pretty much decided that we would either not go or that we would attend the funeral and just stay in the back and duck out early.
Then my sister emailed me the obituary info from the funeral home. We are not mentioned -
Of NJ, age 59yrs, went to be with the Lord suddenly on May 19, 2009. He is
the beloved husband of Rita. Father of (her son #1) and his wife, (her daughter) of Atco, (her son #2) and his loving youngest son (her son #3) of Berlin. He is also survived by his siblings, (names listed), his Godmother, (names) of NH and
many nieces and nephews. He gave to the community his time, devotion and energy. He was a lifetime member and former Asst. Chief of Fire Co. and 3rd and 4th Degree Knight of Knights of Columbus Council He will be remembered as a "Freedom Fighter." He was the State Representative of NJ Legislature for ABATE of the Garden State. He worked hard and diligently as a Medical Engineer. He was a very multi-faceted human being that God above endured on Earth. He will be sadly missed by his family, friends, and co-workers.

I have no idea what that next to last sentence means - "that God endured on earth?"

Apparently he adopted those 4 children because their last names are the same as Dad's (and my maiden name).

I was speaking with my sister about the obituary when a call came through. It was my Uncle. My dad's younger brother. He and his wife were the friendliest. His wife (a pastor and social worker by training) was a mentor, of sorts, to Rita. Uncle just found out about the death yesterday even though it happened on Tuesday?????

Apparently Uncle drew the short straw. I had left a message on my aunt's phone. She asked Uncle to call me.

Story is that he was working 7 or so hours away from home when he suffered a blood clot which burst near his groin. He had a seizure. Drove home and his wife noticed and took him to the hospital where he died. He was just 59 - would have turned 60 next month.

Uncle said, "I know there were problems. And I know there is usually some responsibility on both sides." I said, "well there was strain, but I always left the door open - he just didn't take advantage of it." I was then chastised and told "we won't go there and say things about your dad now." Guess we can't say anything about the dead.

I told my Uncle that we thought we would not go. Uncle said, "well your dad said specifically in his will that he did not want you there."

~~~ Thud ~~~

So I guess any thoughts and hopes that I had of a deathbed reconciliation are gone. I had this whole fantasy that Dad really wanted a relationship but was just too weak to defy his wife (yeah, just like my mom is too weak to stick up for me against her husband). I fantasized that he would mention us in the will. Leave us something. Not that I wanted materialism. I just wanted to be recognized. I wanted to matter. But this shows me that it was his choice.

At least now I know for sure not to go. And I'm more pissed than numb. I still have some xanax in the cabinet. Think Baby will get some formula and I'll take a pill.


Anonymous said...

Thud is right! Wow! Way to go, dad -- !

Paul from Mind Parts said...

Maybe I shouldn't say this. But my immediate reaction was anger. What father would do that to his child? Specifically say he doesn't want you there at his funeral in his will! I hope you don't consider going at this point. I know it's hard, but you have to, I think, focus on your own family, the one you created. Paul.

Kim said...

I am still having trouble digesting that.

16 blessings'mom said...

You know Enola, I never say anything like this about anyone, but: damn him. What a jerk. You ARE wanted. I wish I could come give you a big hug and tell you lots of encouraging things and make you some cookies. Please baby yourself and give yourself time to mourn, not that he himself is gone, but for the dreams you had...I will pray for you...

Anonymous said...

Gosh... I am not usually at a loss for words. But this...

I am just so, so sorry for all the things left undone.

It appears that your blog name "Enola" is no more truer than now.

My most heartfelt, deepest condolances.

Ethereal Highway said...

Some people are like that. Unless you take their abuse and find a way to pretend to thrive on it, then they will lash out even more and somehow make it your fault.

I think you can say whatever you please whether he's dead or living. Your uncle sounds like he's one of those brainwashed types who is all about convention to the point that the truth is less important than appearances.

beauty said...

I'm so sorry to hear about this. What a hard blow to take! I too hope you don't go to the funeral. There isn't any point unless in some way it would bring closure to you.

I attended my stepdad's funeral. All these years later I'm not sure why. I suppose it was expected of me. My mother and I still had a relationship then; it didn't occur to me to even question whether or not I wanted to be there.

Death is hard enough to deal with when there aren't so many unresolved issues. I know that I will experience much of what you're experiencing now when my mother dies. I'm not looking forward to the finality of that, of knowing that there will now never be any hope of reconciliation.

My condolences to you, Enola. Regardless of how things were between you and your dad, he was your dad and I know that his death has hit you hard.

lawyerchik said...

Oh. Enola, I am so so sorry.....
Whatever his thoughts may have been about his first family, you were still his daughter, and that was a mean-spirited, rotten thing to do. I don't have any problem speaking ill of the dead, though. I know they can't come back.

For your sake, though, and your sister's, maybe it might help if you had a private memorial service of your own - either at his grave or someplace else - to give yourselves that closure.

Anonymous said...

Dear Enola. I am so so sorry about your dad...about all of this.

In some of the postings about your dad, you have described him as somewhat controlling. Perhaps this was his last vestige of control over you and you sister. It was cruel of him certainly, but I know you have the strength and the dignity to get through this. You have many friends who love you very much.

My thoughts are with you and your sister my dear.


Labyrinth said...

Thud. No kidding.

The hardest thing about my mother's death is that, like you, I had hopes for reconcilation. She and I talked, but it was always superficial. And now she's gone and we never talked about what was really important. I never heard her say that she was sorry that I was abused (not a family member).

Enola, I am truly sorry for the loss on many different levels. I'm sorry you were treated so badly by your uncle and by your father. It's pretty hard to believe he wouldn't want you there... I'd want to see it in the will, myself, before I took someone's word for it. But that's just me, the cynic.

My heart aches for you. I wish there could've been so much more for you instead of having things end with such a thud.

Anonymous said...

I visit your blog frequently. I want to offer you my condolescences. I also want to say how sorry I am at how you found out. I am trying to think of something comforting to say but I do not have the words. It sounds like your father changed from part 1 to part 5 of your story. I would encourage you to cherish the dad that you knew and loved, and hold onto those memories. I pray that God will give you a peace that passeth all understanding. Be blessed.