Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The Land of Numb

I know that Cornnut at Picture of Experience is a first time host for the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, scheduled for release this Friday. The theme is about parents - in keeping with the upcoming Father's Day and recent passing of Mother's Day. I had intentions of submitting. After all, I should be able to write a book about fathers right now, right? ..............wrong......

So I sit down at my computer. Crack knuckles. Stretch neck from side to side. Nothing immediately comes to mind. I re-read my recent blog posts. Full of lots of factual stuff. Not a lot of feelings and emotions. So what are my emotions? How do I feel about all this? ........wait......nothing comes........wait some more.....nothing.

Stretch again. Fingers to keys. I'll type. Just free-think and type what comes. Again a hint of something...I reach, search, open my mind.......tingling in fingers........snap. It's the end. I've fallen off the pier into the water and I'm drowning in the sea of panic and emotions. I look around around and there is the life preserver, in the form of a return to the Land of Numb. I reach, grasp and hold on tight, pulled into safety. The tentacles of the murky Water of Emotions attempt to wrap themselves more firmly around me. I reach harder...and.....Victory as I'm pulled safely ashore the sands of Numb. Home again - it's my Land of Numb.

(if you want to read what I had to say about fathers before my trip to the Land of Numb, scroll through the last several posts).


austin said...

Numb isn't always a bad thing. it's like a shield that protects us from blows our mind cannot handle at the time. we must not live in the Land of Numb but the land is there for when our mind needs and must have a shield. Eventually it'll be time to leave but for now, if need be, your land is there for you. Numb and denial exist for a reason as do emotions. Only when we live on one or the other island full time do we become exhausted and fail to thrive. A normal person travels to both sides quite often. It's how the brain works. This means your body and mind are working exactly how they were designed to work. Still it's frightening and scary.



austin said...

When the time is right might I suggest another try at free association. I've been doing that lately with my art therapy. Start with a word perhaps even 'dad' and write down the next word that comes to mind. Heck, you could even do a voice recording instead of writing. I've found that this helps me see the root of my feelings unprocessed and in their purest form. when the time is right you might give free association another try.


Anonymous said...

For me it's really how this blog "relationship" works. I mean we've never met (more than likely never will) yet I feel that (on some level) we have a relationship.

It's almost like when we were notified that my son-in-law was KIA in Afghanistan. I just had to sit by and let everything unfold... to watch my little girl writh in pain. I was powerless to do or change a thing. Just like now.

I hate that feeling of helplessness, knowing that one day things will be better is of little comfort for anyone.

Paul from Mind Parts said...

I know numb can mean absence of feeling. But I tend to think it's a feeling of its own. I tend not to get too upset by this. It's where you need to be. Paul

jumpinginpuddles said...

we have answered your questions on our blog

Anonymous said...

Good words from others. Good for you, too, to dip your toes in the water -- keep doing that, and one day the undertow won't be so strong.

Colleen said...

Beautifully written. I know that Land. I have been there too. Isn't it a relief when other people "get it?" Just letting you know I get it. Thanks. Blessings.

Kahless said...

I relate but dont relate right now.

I am not sure whether the land of numb is good or bad. Probably neither.

I am in the land of avoidance. I am about to write a post - when I have finished catching up on blogs - and I will stay - I am determined - in the land of avoidance. I have a glutton of feelings around parents, but I am not allowing myself to feel them. I want to keep them tight in a locked box. They creep into my mind several times a week. I must keep them at bay.

Shit I wish I hadnt started typing this comment; doesnt help. No offence but I wish I hadnt read this. Doesnt help I have had a few bevvies too. Doesnt help the control.

I am sorry to dump this comment here.

Just Be Real said...

Dear one, numbest for me is survival mode. That is how we made it through our abuse. It is hard as for me the feeling is not great and I wonder if I lost touch with reality, but this is normal to feel this way. I hear your pain dear.


Patricia Singleton said...

I tried to live in the Land of Numb for many years denying that the abuse happened. It didn't work. I would stuff feelings until, like a volcano, the rage would erupt all over my husband and kids usually. It was safe to be angry at them.

In a 12-Step program, I learned to feel and I learned that it was ok to be angry at my parents, at God and even at myself. Only after I felt all of those feelings did forgiveness begin.

Hugs and blessings to you from another survivor who understands the Land of Numb. Been there. Done that. Not today. Today I feel it all, the rage and the joy and everything in between.

Marj aka Thriver said...

((((((((((Enola)))))))))) I am still thinking of you and just sending out all the loving care vibes I can during this time that I can only imagine how difficult it is. I know it will take time, too. Don't rush yourself.

I know what you mean about being numb. You wrote that so well. Just yesterday, I blurted out, "I like it better when I didn't feel anything!" It sucks. Take gentle care and do whatever you need to comfort and take care of yourself. Thanks for getting this is for The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. You are awesome!

VICKI IN AZ said...

Thank you for expressing it in just this way.
I know how you feel in whack a mole mode also.