Monday, June 22, 2009

She Just Doesn't Get it

I chatted with my Sister last night. We discussed my mother's upcoming visit. Mom's days off are Wed-Thurs. And the whole world must revolve around her days off. It is impossible for her to do anything on days she works - second shift I might note. It is absolutely incomprehensible for her to drive 1 hour to meet up with me on a morning she has to be at work at 2 pm. She absolutely can not stay overnight if she has to work the next day, even though she could leave by 8 am and be home by 11 to go into work at 2 pm. She thinks she is the only person her age to have a full-time job. When she gets home, she is so tired she must lie down. It's impossible for her to have to grocery shop, run any other errands, cook dinner or do laundry except on her days off................can I have some cheese to go with her whining? If my sister or I point out that we manage to work full-time, raise our children, involve them in activities and keep our houses relatively up, as well as find time to visit each other (an 8 1/2 hour drive) several times a year, well that's just all well and good because......we're young. Yep she'll pull the age card, because that trumps all.

But I digress. There is no court this week due to a clerk's conference. So I arranged several months ago to adjust my schedule and leave early Wed and come in late Thursday. That way Mom can come up here Wed - Thurs on her days off. At the time we arranged this, I did not know that Vacation Bible School was this week. So now the plan is that Mom will visit with me, my 5 year old and the Baby at home. Then Munchkin will go to Bible school. Either, Husband will stay home with my mother and Bugaboo while I go over and teach my part. Or I'll take Mom with me. Either way, she'll get a bit of time with Bugaboo without Munchkin. My daughter wears her out. Heaven forbid my daughter want to do something active or act like a typical 5 year old.

My Sister says I should take Mom to VBS with me. That night's lesson goes over Jesus dying on the cross for our sins and the plan of salvation. Would be good for Mom to hear. But part of me would feel really hypocritical having her there while a part of me is hoping she continues to feel guilty over her actions and inactions. Why would I want her to feel forgiven? I know I'm "supposed to" but I don't.

My Sister mentioned a conversation she had recently with Mom. My cousin is separating (again) from her husband. She bought her son (age 6) a new bedroom set. She is sending the boy to a relative's house while she moves out and sets up the new bed in her new apartment. My mom thought that was horrible. She said that the boy needed closure and needed to see the bedroom be taken apart and then participate in setting it up in his new house. How horrible that he would go away to stay with his grandparents and then come home to a new place to live, and only to visit his old place?

(birds chirping)

My sister said she just sat there. What we both would have wanted to say was, "Hey mom, remember when you and dad split? You and your new "friend" that we always knew as Dad's friend - the one you all of a sudden kissed goodbye the night dad moved out - yeah, you two drove us up to Grandma and Grandpa's house. We stayed there 2 weeks. When we came back, we were taken to a new apartment where we shared a room for the first time, shared an apartment with 3 new children (his kids) and your new boyfriend (soon to be known as Toilet). The cat and dog were gone (killed) because the apartment didn't allow pets. Oh yeah, we did get to visit our old house, which was now completely empty."

Guess she forgot about that.

She really doesn't get it. She is clueless. If Sister or I mentioned this, she'd first try to point out how the situations couldn't possibly be as similar as we were making it. Then she'd proclaim innocence and turn it into poor pitiful her.

So, Mom's visit is this week. I find myself in the same spot - wanting to see her, feeling like I have to let her come, dreading her being here, bitching about her before and after, and hating every moment of her visit. One of these days I'll figure out how to get off this crazy circle and do something about it. Right now, I just can't. Sometimes surviving the status quo is easier.


Casey said...

The status quo is hard...I know that from my dealings with my dad prior to his death. It was a merry go round of wanting to see him..not wanting to see him...everything you just expressed. I can tell you are really stressed about this visit...I wish you could feel better. Its hard though, especially after everything you have been through recently.

Enola...if I may. Perhaps I can shed a little light on your moms issues with work etc.

I dont know how old your mom is. I am 56...57 next month. I have worked all my life, and continue to. I only work during the day...but I dont think I would like the 2nd shift. Shift work is bad for anyone in my opinion, but I know its necessary in some fields.

I am at work at 7:30....stop at lunch to run a couple errands every day it feels home, feed my dogs and let them out...tidy up if I have time and take something out for dinner.

I leave work at 4:30...go home and cook...laundry ..just little things. However...I am beat by this time. My husband invites me out in the evening to join friends at Tim Hortons for coffee...I cannot. I really cannot. I take a bath...let my dogs out...put them in thier crate....and then I am in my bed by 7:30. I am healthy ....and I realize 57 is not old, but I just am really tired at the end of the day.

I save my major errands and housework for weekends. Not trying to say you dont have a right to be a little t'd off, but I can feel for your mom in regards to work.

My grandkids live very far away. I talk to them all the time on the phone...and we use a webcam, so we visit that way. In May, I flew out to visit for a week, and as much as I love them ...I too got really tired of playing games all the time. Perhaps I am just a cranky sort...but I was kind of looking forward to some great conversations with my daughter along with the visits with the kids...and it was hard

Thinking of you.


Colleen said...

I hope your visit turns out OK. I understand what you are saying about status quo. Mine is being shook up right now. Blessings.

mssc54 said...

Any chance to enrole your mother as a "helper" in VBS?

Enola said...

Laurie - my mom would whine whatever her situation. She hated staying home, cleaning house, running us kids around. She wanted to work, then when my parents split, hated work. Now all she wants to do is sit at home. When she & Toilet moved down closer, she was told she wouldn't have to work. But then she whined about being expected to do the housework. Money got tight and she went back to work. Now she complains again. She berates my aunt for not s ciose)e with her parents (she lives close)but then complains all the time about all she has to do for her husband who is now disabled. She's just lazy and whiny.

Mssc - I'm not sure. It's not as if she'd be around the kids alone, but I'm just not sure if it is a good idea.

Kim said...

Well it's no secret that your Mom is in complete denial. Her statement certainly supports that.

Hoping you make it through this visit as peacefully as possible.

lawyerchik said...

My mom is not entirely like your mom, but at the same time, there are times when she gets into the "poor me, nobody understands" mode, and I have actually (on occasion) told her that whatever she just said is BS. At the same time, a lot of the stuff that she is in denial about, I have kind of given up calling her on her denial. I did once - when she was making my dad miserable, along with the rest of us - and it took her a while to realize that I was right, but that almost never happens even with relatively sane parents, so I don't know if it would help you to tell your mother that you and she remember things differently. Hang in there, though. You are a very strong person, and you will figure out how to make this work.

BTW - taking mom along to VBS isn't that bad of an idea. If she's willing to go, it might "do her good and help her, too." Your call, though.

hearttoheart said...

I vote she goes to VBS too. Hey, she's on your turf now. I wouldn't coddle.

jumpinginpuddles said...

tell her if she doesnt help out youll personally barbeque her butt as a permanent reminder on why lazy arses arent allowed at your place

austin said...

I remember this struggle all too well. I remember it took me forever and a day to make changes in my relationship with the sickness that is my mother. It is the hardest thing in the world to deal.

I remember this all too well and how effing hard it is. There's push pull of emotions. I wanted my mother, I knew it was best to disconnect. I needed a mother, I saw her sickness and unwillingness to change but I held on. Hard, hard, hard.