(this was the catalyst for the last post)
I'm the "let's all keep in touch" one. I email. I reach out. I call. In 2001 I received a bonus in the form of being able to use the company time share. I thought carribean first. But, knowing my Nana would probably not live much longer, I arranged to travel to NH. I invited my sister and her family to meet us up there. We had a family reunion, of sorts, and celebrated Nana's birthday. Husband & I stayed a bit longer, and visited more with family. That was really the last contact until Nana died.
When Nana died, all the calls went to Sister. Sister is not one to mince words and she'll call a spade a spade. So she talked harshly about Dad and his behavior at the funeral. I was more "smooth it over" and "don't ruffle feathers." I could tell my aunt didn't really want to hear all the bad stuff. While she didn't support dad's actions, he was her brother. Still, it was Sister that dad focused on and cursed out in his nasty message. It was sister that everyone consoled.
I've gotten a few emails over the years from that side of the family. A few cards. IF I initiate. That is it
No one called me about Dad's death. I left my aunt a message. My Dad's family never called me back to tell me about his death. They called my Sister. My one uncle called is all -- to tell us not to come to the funeral. I've emailed several family members but no responses. My sister has gotten lots of responses - she forwards them to me. My Sister met up with two aunts when they drove down for the funeral - understandable, she is local and I am not.
My step-brothers, Alex and Adam have not emailed me. I've emailed them. No response. They've called Sister. When we met, they were more interested in keeping up with her. Sort of understood - they knew her more. I emailed them after we returned and invited them to meet up with us for Tgiv. No response.
My Sister has gotten several phone calls from the aunts and uncles. Emails too. She tells me about them. My uncle who called her asked, "now do I need to call Enola or will you talk to her?" Sister said she thought I'd like to hear from him. He did call - a week later.
My aunts email my Sister. On emails I'm not even copied. I wrote a long email to my uncle and attached pictures -- no response. And I thought we had a good relationship. He is the one I stayed with the summer I lived there. And visited several times when we were up there in 2001. He's emailed Sister though.
So Sister, Alex, Adam and I were chatting about going up to NH. I mentioned I probably couldn't go until next summer. Sister just called me. I invited her down here for a few weeks in August. That way she and the kids can get away. Sister doesn't work in the summer. Kids are off. BIL's room rental is just through July 31st -- then he has to make alternate arrangements. So Sister thought she would take the kids somewhere, let BIL stay in the house, and then he'd move to the house in the city (available then). I asked if she wanted to come here.
Sister just called - she is going to NH. For 2 weeks - over 3 weekends. She asked if I could fly up. (no) She asked if I would be mad or upset if she went. An aunt called her to chat and Sister made arrangements. Aunt asked if she should call me. Sister said I might appreciate it. No call though.
I am not really mad at Sister. I'm upset and hurt that this big reunion is going to go on without me. I'm missing out.
I don't get it. I know Sister is funny and sarcastic and blunt. I like her. So I understand why they'd want to stay in touch with her. But why not me? What did I do? Why do they ask - oh do we have to call Enola? Is it a chore?
I know a large part of it -- I was distributed to Mom's side in the divorce. Sister was sent to Dad's side. But then I spent the summer up there. I returned to Mom's house though. So maybe they saw that as choosing to go back to Mom. My dad was hurt that I "picked Toilet over him." He saw it as personal. My Sister chose to go live with Dad and then was kicked out. Then Dad reunited with Sister, calling her every day and visiting every weekend. I got to see him 1x and talk maybe once a week. So Dad's side sees Sister as "theirs" and me as choosing mom over dad.
Also, Sister has been open about her struggles and I have not, as much. I just can't. I know they will say, "well why didn't you come live here?" Or "Why didn't you go live with Dad?" Putting me, once again, in the defensive position.
So once again my inability to talk bites me in the ass. Once again I am not the chosen one. Once again every one else is chosen over me. Even though it is my sister chosen this time, and I love her, it still hurts. I'm the crazy one. The one that didn't press charges. The one that stayed - that didn't leave. The one that "chose" toilet over Dad. The one that had Toilet (not Dad) walk me down the aisle. And sure I could defend myself - but at what cost? And why should I have too?
So, flights are too expensive and no vacation time. Do I borrow to go? Stay home. Insert myself? Not? I hate this. Once again I am --