Sunday, July 26, 2009
There has been a lot of stuff bubbling under the surface. I've been stuffing it down as fast as I can but it keeps bubbling up. It hit the boiling point last week. Like steam in a teakettle, it burst out in a loud whistling sound.
I overcame an inner debate of sorts. I just read Lynn's blog and it seems she has had a similar inner conversation. She said it better than me, so I hope she'll forgive the cut and paste -
Teenage Girl - It's just his job. He doesn't really care. Not the way you think. Beside, he's just a therapist. He's faking. That's what they do. They pretend to care about people. He can't give you what you want. That ship's done sailed, honey. He's not your mother. Face it - your mother couldn't love you.
Little Girl - But he really does care about me. I know it's true. I felt it lots of times. I felt it through the body that day in his office when he said it. He said he cares very much about me and I felt the truth. He wasn't lying. He didn't mean just me, he cares about you, too.
So the little voices that speak outside my ears had a conversation like above and I decided to make a final attempt to reach out. I emailed T - not my typical, long-winded, rambling cry for help. Just a "hey haven't heard from you. Want to do coffee sometime?" I had a return message very soon. As I intellectually knew, there is a lot going on with her and some very good reasons for her business. Kept it fairly low key but I did tell her that I thought a "tune up" appointment would be good. And it was good - because my head knows she cares, but my heart doesn't get that message often.
I told my friend Kim, that I'm trying really hard to do something good for me each day - sometimes it's big and sometimes small. Last week was two big things - emailing T and calling the local rape crisis center. Actually the call was a huge thing. They have an adult sexual abuse/rape survivor's group that I've been thinking of checking out. I went to the website and emailed an inquiry. Several days and no response. So I actually picked up the phone and called. That was a huge step. I think this might give me a new healing perspective without actually finding a new T, which upon reflection I really didn't want to do at all.
I also left work at lunch on Friday, and instead of running around, picking up the kids and the other Mommy tasks I usually do, I got my hair cut and colored and took a nap, then out with some friends. That's a little thing, but much needed.
Doing something good for me is like pulling the kettle off the burner for awhile and dialing down the heat - in a safe way. There are other things that turn down the flames to, but they aren't so healthy. There's been some of that too. Mostly to achieve an equilibrium of sorts so I can be in a position to function enough to do something good for myself.
On tap this week - two much needed financial calls - blech. More about those later.