Sunday, July 26, 2009

Boiling Point

There has been a lot of stuff bubbling under the surface. I've been stuffing it down as fast as I can but it keeps bubbling up. It hit the boiling point last week. Like steam in a teakettle, it burst out in a loud whistling sound.

I overcame an inner debate of sorts. I just read Lynn's blog and it seems she has had a similar inner conversation. She said it better than me, so I hope she'll forgive the cut and paste -

Teenage Girl - It's just his job. He doesn't really care. Not the way you think. Beside, he's just a therapist. He's faking. That's what they do. They pretend to care about people. He can't give you what you want. That ship's done sailed, honey. He's not your mother. Face it - your mother couldn't love you.

Little Girl - But he really does care about me. I know it's true. I felt it lots of times. I felt it through the body that day in his office when he said it. He said he cares very much about me and I felt the truth. He wasn't lying. He didn't mean just me, he cares about you, too.

So the little voices that speak outside my ears had a conversation like above and I decided to make a final attempt to reach out. I emailed T - not my typical, long-winded, rambling cry for help. Just a "hey haven't heard from you. Want to do coffee sometime?" I had a return message very soon. As I intellectually knew, there is a lot going on with her and some very good reasons for her business. Kept it fairly low key but I did tell her that I thought a "tune up" appointment would be good. And it was good - because my head knows she cares, but my heart doesn't get that message often.

I told my friend Kim, that I'm trying really hard to do something good for me each day - sometimes it's big and sometimes small. Last week was two big things - emailing T and calling the local rape crisis center. Actually the call was a huge thing. They have an adult sexual abuse/rape survivor's group that I've been thinking of checking out. I went to the website and emailed an inquiry. Several days and no response. So I actually picked up the phone and called. That was a huge step. I think this might give me a new healing perspective without actually finding a new T, which upon reflection I really didn't want to do at all.

I also left work at lunch on Friday, and instead of running around, picking up the kids and the other Mommy tasks I usually do, I got my hair cut and colored and took a nap, then out with some friends. That's a little thing, but much needed.

Doing something good for me is like pulling the kettle off the burner for awhile and dialing down the heat - in a safe way. There are other things that turn down the flames to, but they aren't so healthy. There's been some of that too. Mostly to achieve an equilibrium of sorts so I can be in a position to function enough to do something good for myself.

On tap this week - two much needed financial calls - blech. More about those later.


Ethereal Highway said...

I see our minds work alike in some ways. I have also been thinking about another place to take certain things besides to the therapist. I'm not interested in finding a new one, either. I've seen enough to know it won't be different. My plan is to find another place to go when I have a crisis. I went to the RAINN website and checked it out. Then I found out how their crisis hotline works. They use caller ID technology to route the call to someplace nearby. I don't like that, so I have decided to get a throw down phone that can't be traced to me and probably call the RAINN crisis line the next time I get really desperate ad need someone to talk to. This way I can still be truly anonymous and no one can screw up my life for me just because I have a meltdown. I am not interested in any group or other therapist, but I'm thinking this might be a safe way to get through a crisis.

lawyerchik said...

Good for you that you reached out and made the effort. Sometimes, that is the hardest thing of all.... I hope, too, that the "tune-up" turns out well. (BTW - I like that choice of words: a tune-up is a lot less scary than an "appointment"!)

Mostly, though, I'm glad you're doing things for you. Having a new baby around is a lot more work than people realize, and it's so ... daily! Even though they are so precious and so sweet (when they're not crying! :)), you still need a block of time that is for you to do things that are good for you so that you can come back refreshed to take care of others who need you.

That was one thing I remember from my stress counselor: if you don't take care of you, you can't take care of others as well. (He said it better, but I left the list at home).

Have a good Monday, Enola!!

Beautifuldreamer said...

The way a therapist once explained self-care to me was with an analogy. He said, if you were on an airplane with your child, and the pilot instructed everyone to use their oxygen masks, would you give one to your child first, or use one yourself. Of course I said I'd first make sure my child had one. He said that if I did that, I might lose my life and not be able to further care for the child.

I think that you're doing what you can to reach out for help. There are no hard and fast rules with healing and recovery. If you're not comfortable with therapy, don't do it.

Marj aka Thriver said...

Yeah, a lot of that "my head knows, but my heart doesn't know anybody cares" going around, eh? Thanks so much for your kind words at my blog while I'm going through that, too.

Sounds like some good assertiveness and self-care here. Kudos! And, uh, BTW, I care about you a LOT!

jumpinginpuddles said...

its alwasy good to have a backup that isnt therapy related we ahve found that also