Monday, July 27, 2009

To "deal with" List

I come back to the same voices in my head, "you're weak," and "get over it," and "why are you so pitiful." I tell myself to "snap out of it," and then I remember something else going on. Something that explains why I'm overwhelmed. A justification, if you will. How can I forget about these things? Oh yeah - because I have to. I have to push them down and deal with them one at a time, lest I become overwhelmed.

So what are these things that I need "tuned up" in T? What is my "to do" or "to deal with" list?

* Medical and Money - we had Bugaboo's birth which was on my old insurance. Met that deductible and out of pocket co-insurance max. Then he was hospitalized at 6 weeks. That was on Husband's insurance so had to meet that deductible and out of pocket co-insurance max. Then Bugaboo had two thyroid tests, the gastro issues and a hip ultrasound. Munchkin had her broken leg, including x-rays. They were all on the new insurance calendar year. We had to get forms filled out that there wasn't any insurance to subrogate too. Then those were lost by the insurance company. Then I had kidney issues on my old (firm) insurance but new calendar year. That required paying COBRA, plus deductible, plus out of pocket co-insurance max. But the actual surgery was on my new (current job) insurance so new deductible and out of pocket co-insurance max. Ugh! Can you say broke and headache? Typically, I'm ultra organized, make the calls, create the piles, make the notes and handle it. But....this time I've thrown up my hands, thrown out the bills, deleted the voice mails from creditors, and ignored it. If I don't acknowledge it, then it's not there. Now I'm in a huge mess.
* Sister - can't think on this one too hard or I get jittery and panicky and shut down. So have to do it in little spurts. The whole thing gets me. Did I know how bad it was and ignore it, or am I just now putting the pieces together? How much of this stuff swirling around in my brain do I need to pluck down and organize into sense? Why didn't I speak up sooner and tell Sister to get out and run with the kids? Should I be supporting her efforts to work on her marriage? Is it none of my 'freakin business?
* Family - who all is contained in this word? Do I add in the four step-now adopted-all into contact- but now ignoring us-kids? What about the one adopted, never met one? What about the may exist-may not one? What about extended family?
* Estate - gotta find out about dad's estate. Blech.
* Dad - still haven't fully processed this one.
* Missing piece - can't keep up with information. It's compartmentalized. How do I get it all together and keep it together. This whole faking that I can differentiate reality from not, is very difficult. Yes I'm looking at you blankly because I can't figure out if I really talked to you, meant to talk to you, talked to you in my head or what the heck happened.
* Bugaboo - he's not doing all that he should. Is this normal? Is he just lazy because Sister gets everything for him? Or is the fact that he's not crawling, rolling over, sitting up on his own, pulling up something to be concerned about? What roll does all the dang meds I took play in this, if any?

The real question - will I come up from the land of Stuffing it and hiding under the covers to deal with things? Stay tuned....


lawyerchik said...

Oh, Enola! No wonder you're stressed!! I don't know a team of people who could handle what you have on your plate together, let alone anyone who could do it all.

First, big [[[[HUGS]]]].

Second, I hope that you can accept that you are NOT pitiful or weak. Anyone would be overwhelmed if they had to deal with half of what you have, so don't beat yourself up about it.

Third, you only have to do the next thing - not everything at once. One at a time is plenty.

Fourth, is your DH helping with the organizational stuff? (Not judging or blaming - just asking). If not, are there some bits he can help with - take them off your shoulders - or can you and he do any of them together?

Fifth, nobody I have ever met runs on switches - turn on, turn off. You can't "turn on" the family switch any more than you can "turn off" the dad switch or the mom switch or any other switch.

People make choices, and choices have consequences. Your dad and mom made choices about their children, and those choices have consequences for them. You still have the right and ability to make your own choices - and to choose to not take responsibility for theirs.

I want to be careful how I say this part, but ... you also can choose to not take responsibility for your sister's choices. Your sister may be younger than you, but she made choices, too. Don't take on her choices or consequences. Support her - definitely - when you can and when you feel it's appropriate, but she is a grown-up, and she has the responsibility for her choices, too. You have a hard enough job carrying your own stuff - don't take on other people's any more than you have to right now. It is OK to say that you can't do it right now. Really.

OK. I've taken off my "bossy big-sister" hat!! HUGS for you and your babies.

Mike Golch said...

Hang in there kiddo,we all have been there at one time or the other.
we all just need to find that happy place where we feel safe. For me it is Hammered Dulcimer music.Whe I was a corrections officer and I had a bad shift st the jail.I would have a hammered Dulcimer tape and listen to it all the way home from work,depending on the day the louder the volumn was.Than in the morning,my wife would sometimes use the car as well and she knew I had a bad night.

Anonymous said...


The list is a good one -- it really does help to organize and clarify.

If you (and hubby) are not feeling quite up to managing some of this stuff, like the financial bit, is there anyone you trust that could come play advocate for you? Sit at the table with you with the piles, making the calls, that sort of thing?

Kahless said...

I can feel the weight of you "to deal with list"

Hope you find a way to lighten it.


lawyerchik said...

BTW, Enola, I forget that sometimes, people need someone to listen to them more than they need someone telling them what they "should" do. Sorry I forgot....

Always alone said...

Hi Enola, I follow your blog daily and was wondering if you wouldn't mind sending me an email address so that I can write you. Send to


Ethereal Highway said...


I'm glad you can have a 'tune-up'. There is only so much stress that people can handle by themselves.