I come back to the same voices in my head, "you're weak," and "get over it," and "why are you so pitiful." I tell myself to "snap out of it," and then I remember something else going on. Something that explains why I'm overwhelmed. A justification, if you will. How can I forget about these things? Oh yeah - because I have to. I have to push them down and deal with them one at a time, lest I become overwhelmed.
So what are these things that I need "tuned up" in T? What is my "to do" or "to deal with" list?
* Medical and Money - we had Bugaboo's birth which was on my old insurance. Met that deductible and out of pocket co-insurance max. Then he was hospitalized at 6 weeks. That was on Husband's insurance so had to meet that deductible and out of pocket co-insurance max. Then Bugaboo had two thyroid tests, the gastro issues and a hip ultrasound. Munchkin had her broken leg, including x-rays. They were all on the new insurance calendar year. We had to get forms filled out that there wasn't any insurance to subrogate too. Then those were lost by the insurance company. Then I had kidney issues on my old (firm) insurance but new calendar year. That required paying COBRA, plus deductible, plus out of pocket co-insurance max. But the actual surgery was on my new (current job) insurance so new deductible and out of pocket co-insurance max. Ugh! Can you say broke and headache? Typically, I'm ultra organized, make the calls, create the piles, make the notes and handle it. But....this time I've thrown up my hands, thrown out the bills, deleted the voice mails from creditors, and ignored it. If I don't acknowledge it, then it's not there. Now I'm in a huge mess.
* Sister - can't think on this one too hard or I get jittery and panicky and shut down. So have to do it in little spurts. The whole thing gets me. Did I know how bad it was and ignore it, or am I just now putting the pieces together? How much of this stuff swirling around in my brain do I need to pluck down and organize into sense? Why didn't I speak up sooner and tell Sister to get out and run with the kids? Should I be supporting her efforts to work on her marriage? Is it none of my 'freakin business?
* Family - who all is contained in this word? Do I add in the four step-now adopted-all into contact- but now ignoring us-kids? What about the one adopted, never met one? What about the may exist-may not one? What about extended family?
* Estate - gotta find out about dad's estate. Blech.
* Dad - still haven't fully processed this one.
* Missing piece - can't keep up with information. It's compartmentalized. How do I get it all together and keep it together. This whole faking that I can differentiate reality from not, is very difficult. Yes I'm looking at you blankly because I can't figure out if I really talked to you, meant to talk to you, talked to you in my head or what the heck happened.
* Bugaboo - he's not doing all that he should. Is this normal? Is he just lazy because Sister gets everything for him? Or is the fact that he's not crawling, rolling over, sitting up on his own, pulling up something to be concerned about? What roll does all the dang meds I took play in this, if any?
The real question - will I come up from the land of Stuffing it and hiding under the covers to deal with things? Stay tuned....