Wednesday, August 26, 2009

A Two-Faced God

I have come come to the conclusion that I want a 2-Faced God.

I have been involved in a Bible study this summer on God's Attributes. We started out with "incomprehensible" and moved from there to Just(ice), Mercy (merciful), omniscient, omnipotent, sovereign, immutable (which means unchanging), Holy and a few others. The teachers asked us if there were any attributes we hadn't covered that we would like to hit on in these last few weeks. I thought to myself, "well where are all the bad ones? You know....anger, wrath, vengeance?"

One of the first things we learned is that "God is who He is, all the time" and "God is all that He is, all of the time." In other words, God doesn't stop being loving when he is angry. All of this was well and good as long as I focused on me. I want God to be loving to me. I want a Holy God. I want a sovereign God. I want God to accept me even though I've done some awful things in the past. I want God to see me with a clean slate and love me regardless of what I've done. I want God to be merciful to me. Check, Check, Check. I'm good..........

What about everyone else? When God points his big finger at the world, what happens when things are not directed toward me? How does God's loving kindness, mercy and justice reconcile with the abuse I suffered? That sure wasn't loving or kind toward me.

Of course it all comes down to man's free will - right? Otherwise we'd all be puppets on strings? How many times have you heard that argument? (guilty of making it myself, even)

My teachers talked about the fact that every person suffers physical death followed by an eternity - man's free will determines where they spend eternity --- either heaven or hell. Also that man's small circle of freedom is permitted within the vast circle of God's sovereignty. Even Satan had to get God's permission to act (see book of Job).

So where does that leave me? The good thing is that I can freely choose heaven, regardless of all the bad things I've done. The bad news is that so can Toilet. The good news is that God is in control of everything. The bad news is that Toilet couldn't have acted without God allowing it in his sovereignty.

I'm guilty of proffering the platitude about bad things happen because it turns you into the person God wants you to be. You had to go through this so you could relate to others in this way, yadda yadda yadda - I believed it for awhile. But the more I think of it, the more it pisses me off. If God is all big and powerful, why couldn't He point his magic finger and make me into the person I need to be without all the bad circumstances? Stop the train of doom and gloom and put me on a different track?

My teacher directed me to Genesis Chapter 50 which is the story of Joseph and his brothers (see here for whole story). Joseph's brothers intended for him to die, at worst, or to be sold into slavery, at best. Potiphar's wife made false accusations of assault against him. Joseph was neglected by the cupbearer and suffered seven years of hard famine. At the end, Joseph says, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." (NIV) Other versions say, "But as for you, ye thought evil against me, but God meant it unto good." -or- "God made it turn out for the best." -or- "God turned your evil into good." - or- "Ye meant evil against me but God meant it for good."

So God's plan is unchanging (immutable). He always intends good. But man's free will often turns to evil. Evil is prevalent. God though turns the evil into good and uses it for our long-range good.

Okay, I can live with that better than the platitudes above. A commentary I read said, "This must be so. Otherwise we'd all be useless and damaged goods." That makes sense - if God couldn't transform abused children into warrior adults, there'd be no use in surviving. I could give up the fight now.

But I still struggle with the dichotomy. What is it? Hands off or hands on? At what point does God say, "hey wait a minute, time to step in and stop the evil and start turning it into good?" Is it the kind, open, welcoming hands --- or the powerful hands of wrath? I want both - the kind loving face of God to look toward me. The mean, revenge-seeking face toward others. Maybe that makes me a hypocrite or vengeful or mean and nasty...........

I'd like to think maybe I'm not entirely off base. The book of Nahum (Chapter 1) says in the beginning -

The LORD is a jealous and avenging God; the LORD takes vengeance and is filled with wrath. The LORD takes vengeance on his foes and maintains his wrath against his enemies.
The LORD is slow to anger and great in power; the LORD will not leave the guilty unpunished. His way is in the whirlwind and the storm, and clouds are the dust of his feet.

Then later on -
The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him.

So is it too far-fetched to say I want the first verses toward my enemies and the last verse toward me? I want a 2-Faced God -- one side toward me, and the other side facing out, defending me, and wreaking destruction on my enemies; forgiving me when I've done wrong, but destroying those who wrong me.
I know it is self-centered, but at least it's honest.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Missed Opportunities

If this statement (to the left) is correct, then true healing is a long way off for me. I have trouble with "allowing" any emotion, let alone "thorough allowing."

I am sitting on the couch. The lights are off and I'm writing in the glow of the laptop monitor. Darkness makes it easier to hide the tears. There is a storm raging outside and I can hear the rain pouring down, see the flashes of lightening illuminating the sky and feel the thunder shake the house as it echoes off the mountains. A great ambiance for my mood.

I'm reading a handout on "Grief*" that my T gave me. I have been given it before to read and work through with respect to my relationship with my mother -- learning to grieve the relationship we will never have. That was a few years ago. Now I'm working through it with the loss of my father.

The book talks about "A Violation of the Rules." We expect the universe to follow certain rules - children bury their parents when they are old; people who love each other should be together; the funeral service is a recognition of your place in the deceased's world; the burial provides closure.

My dad's death and service was a massive FUBAR - typical for the rest of the relationships and major events in my life.

Normal Families - I get the call that Dad had a major stroke. I rush to get on a plane or drive to the hospital. I'm there, with family, around his bedside as he passes away. I spend the final moments saying all the goodbyes. Sympathy cards come. Words of encouragement. Phone calls expressing support. I am given leave from work. Everyone knows what happens and surrounds me with love and support. Everyone knows why my face is sad and I'm edgy and down. People know that Father's Day and other holidays may be tough this year. At the funeral, there are hugs and support. Family rallies around to support each other. There is laughter and tears.

My Family - I find out about his death in line at Walmart on facebook. I have to make the phone calls, half of which are not returned. No acknowledgment of who I am or what I've lost. I'm told to stay away. I can't really tell people what is going on because then I have to explain why I'm not going to the funeral. I say, "my dad died" and people get all mushy which is both nice and aggravating. I tell them "we had no relationship" and they look at me funny. I've lost the grieving time, the time off work, the ability to break down without appearing crazy. I can't get the support because it requires too much explanation. I don't get to go to the funeral. I've lost my rightful place as his daughter - as a daughter who has lost her father. People look at me like "eh you never had a relationship with him so what's the big deal?" As usual, the refrain is "get over it and move on."

I want my time. I want my turn to be the grieving daughter. I want my turn to lose it - to be angry and sad and whatever. I'm tired of missing out on what others have.

*Grief - Liam & Precious Atchison - NavPress c. 1993.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Back to School - Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse

Back to School brings to mind various thoughts and images. So why did I choose a Back To School Theme? Partly because of my own school-related issues. I know that school means lots of things to lots of people, especially survivors. It means a schedule. It means being out of the house for long periods of time. It means a hot meal for lunch. To others it means the struggle to hide signs of abuse. For those who were abused by other students or teachers/school officials, it meant a time of horror. Summer, for me, meant more time at home with my abuser. It meant shorts and bathing suits, which felt akin to being without clothes. It meant long hours home alone while my mother worked. But it also meant I could relax and not worry so much about what I said or how I acted around others. I could keep to myself more.

Lately, I've read a lot of blogs and stories from survivors that lead me to believe that many others are triggered by the "Back to School Season." It could be the schedule that changed when they were children, a parent's schedule that changed, or the influx of new people into their lives. I've also read accounts of teachers, educators and other school officials that stepped in and made a difference. Still other people suffered in school terribly. There are also parent survivors who are struggling with sending their own children to school. So here are the School-related Submissions for this month -

Marj at Survivors can Thrive writes August Angst - her post is one of many I read about school angst, and the one that was the "straw that broke the camel's back" so to speak. It inspired me to put to paper, some of my thoughts about school, and to offer to host the blog carnival with this theme.

Mile at Come into My Closet - writes there are kind people out there - "I wrote this story a long time back. Going back to school was NEVER fun. I was the kid who looked like an orphan, made fun of, sickly looking from abuse. I wrote about the kindness of a few people and the difference it made in my life. One persons influence in a sea of shame can be all the strength a person needs to grow out of a bad situation and blossom into something more. Through blogging I have met many person(s) who have influenced and loved me through my shame."

Rose Dewy Knickers at "Flash Your Knickers Here" writes Multiple Girls - a post about being a multiple and a student. Her style of writing makes me laugh out loud with tears in my eyes. The humor is there but the feelings run deep underneath the satire.

Beautiful Dreamer writes "This is not about Me" - about the shame of being a victim and how it developed, in her, the capacity to feel empathy for the underdog.

Jumping in Puddles at Life Spacings writes a bit about why no one could help us. This is the second part of a two part post about the involvement of school officials in the continuation of her abuse.

Linda at In the Best Interest offers 10 Things Teachers Can Do to Prevent and Address Child Emotional and Physical Abuse. This is a great post with lots of tips for teachers and parents, as well as anyone involved with youth.

Marcella Chester at abyss2hope
writes Safety & Crime Prevention - tips for new students. This is a great post for college students, parents of college students and even everyone in general. I'd encourage you to read and pay attention.

Lily Strange writes about the Aftermath of Bullying - this is part one of her story and I look forward to reading the rest of the story. From shyness, to racism to an accent to her looks, Lily got picked on for lots of things.

Vicki at Here in My World writes about Exhaustion - as she considers that perhaps this time of year is triggering her.

In my own post entitled "One of Those Moms" I explore my own issues with my daughter starting school.

And now for our typical categories.

Advocacy & Awareness
Sometimes Saintly Nick writes STOP the ABUSE, which he refers to a "generic post"written in 2007 to focus awareness and provide some resources. I would not call it "generic" but rather powerful. Nick talks about being overwhelmed by the magnitude of abuse but taking to hear Jerry Garcia's words, "Somebody has to do something about abuse and, like it or not, that sometbody is us - you and me!" Check out the pictures in this post. Sometimes pictures truly are worth a thousand words.

Patricia Singleton at the Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker submits Why Some People Are Blind to Abuse in which she asks everyone to become aware and help stop the abuse of children.

Healing & Therapy
From Vicki at Here in My World comes "Memory" - what struck me most about her post was her question "Is it possible that you have always remembered that you don't remember?"

From Sarah - Overcoming Hatred - talks about the hatred that consumed her following her being sentenced to a locked pysch ward and the healing power of the Love that broke the chains keeping her stuck.

Dr. Kathleen Young writes "Childhood Wounds - Understanding Yourself in Context" - which writes about childhood experiences and their impact on adult life.

From Amy at Smelling God comes Failure is an Option - a post about co-dependency in which she says sometimes failure is the greatest gift you give those you love.

Austin from the People Behind My Eyes submits a post called In Women's Clothing. She says, "Although womanhood is for me a gift I fear women's clothing. When I wear them I completely lose myself and fear for my safety. In this entry I process my emotions concerning women's clothing." It's a great post and guaranteed to make you think.

Cornnut on her blog, Picture of Experience submits "like a madman in her moods" - a post about being sucked into months of numbness and ignorance. We need to keep Cornnut surrounded by our thoughts, prayers and well-wishes as she prepares to give birth to a new baby cornnut.

I'm putting Grace's post "Relax and put your feet up, DT - Grace has "LIGHT" in the Poetry category. Watch her video - it's great, beautifully created and thought-provoking.

Jumping Puddles at Lifes Spacings submits Sold. I don't want to give anything away by describing this submission except to say Wow!

Secret Shadows writes Bloom Where You're Planted which is a great and beautiful submission.

Survivor Stories
Mountainmama at Writing for Real Life is a first time submitter. Her post talks about "where I am today" in which she writes about Covert incest. This is not a topic I know a lot about so I was very glad to receive this submission and learn more. I hope we read more from this writer.

Austin also submits The Emotional Toll of Chronic Pain - A common ailment among survivors is Fibromyalgia. This entry deals with a life of chronic pain by a survivor and details thoughts and emotions and how life changing such an illness can be. Tied in with her fibromyalgia is depression and anger and shame and guilt and irritability and powerlessness. Whatever ailment you struggle with, you can likely relate to the emotional cycle.

Secret Shadows also submits Fortune Cookie which is hugely inspiring to parents. Thanks for these words SS.

Sarah also submits Hope in which she makes this most powerful statement, "Stopping [self-destructive behaviour] comes only from feeling safe, feeling accepted, feeling cared about." One of the most powerful lessons I learned personally was that it is okay to be angry at God. Sarah talks about this too, and about giving hope to others still struggling in the dark.

That concludes this month's Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. Thanks for the privilege and opportunity to host. It is indeed a blessing and honor to read the work of everyone that submits. If you are interested in hosting, contact Marj at Survivors Can Thrive.


Thursday, August 20, 2009

One of "those" Moms

Next week my “baby girl” starts school. She is 5 ½ - can’t forget that half. To be particularly accurate, she is 5 years, 7 months. I started kindergarten at 4 years old (1 month shy of my fifth birthday) and survived just fine. She’s been in daycare since 3 months old and in a pre-K class for the last 18 months. She is brilliant if I do say so myself. She’ll do fine. It’s me that is having the problem.

I’ve talked with a friend who has a daughter just a few years older than mine. She has warned me that starting public school will mean I have to give up control. It started with not finding out her teacher until this week. I also didn’t know which day of the week she would start school (they start in small groups before all starting together later in the week).

Today I had to research her bus stop information. A teacher friend told me that the schools have to balance giving out information in plenty of time versus giving too much time for complaints – and there are always complaints. I
didn’t find out about open house until the end of last week – it is scheduled for this week. I do not know the name of her teacher’s assistant, her bus driver, what the policies are about after-school care, or anything. It is driving the Control Freak in me bonkers. I can handle the control freak part - deep breaths, some venting and move on. It's the other buttons that are being pushed which are more difficult.

Letting my daughter go to school at all is triggering. When I completed forms for after-school care, I had to check some boxes -- can her picture be taken for promotional purposes? Can she go on field trips Can she play on playgrounds where there are no fences? My response - NO. I am looking at the bus
route and realize that she may have a male bus driver. Will there be an assistant? If not, I may just have to drive her.

I read the papers. I read blog posts. I am in court often. I hear the stories of abuse that happens by school teachers and other officials.
At daycare, there is an open door policy. You can drop in at any time for any reason. We all have door codes to gain entrance. The first year Daughter was in care, I popped in every day at lunch to nurse her. So I kept an eye on things and really got to know the teachers. I also pay tuition and that gives me some control in what happens. At school we can go no further than the office without signing in and being escorted. You can not go to the classroom normally.

When we went for
orientation, Husband and I signed in. We were directed to a parent-session. Munchkin was led down the hall by a teacher to see a classroom. When I moved to go with her, they said "oh she can come with us." I started to object - "she doesn't know you." Then realized that sounded silly. I'm getting ready to turn her over to a teacher. A teacher about whom I know nothing much. A name, college, work experience, and I've talked with her 20 minutes tonight. This is a huge step for me. I have to turn my daughter over to a virtual stranger for many hours. I will not get daily notes about what she ate and did. I will have to trust my daughter for information.

Pass the
xanax and give me strength. We've had the Stranger Danger talks, the Private Parts discussion and that "You can tell me anything." All I can do now is breathe very deeply.....and sign up to volunteer often..... and try really hard not to be one of "Those" Moms (you know, the helicopter ones)

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse

I've not finished the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. So there is still time to submit. Here is the link and here is more info.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Update --- Last Call --- Great News times two

Things are a bit (okay a lot) crazy these next few weeks. I'm working on the blog carnival which I'm hosting (get your submissions in) and really enjoying the submissions. This is the LAST CALL for submissions - they are "due" tomorrow. Seriously though - if you just can't possibly get it to me tomorrow, I won't finalize things until probably Wednesday late afternoon or possibly even Friday morning. So let me know it's coming and I'll leave room and work it in later.

Husband was offered the chance to work 7 am - 7 pm these next two weeks. Which means overtime. Which we need. So he's doing that. So I've got to get the kids up and ready, to school, home, fed, bathed and in bed, by myself. I have an out of the office retreat all day tomorrow. On Wednesday, Munchkin and I have eye appointments. Thursday is court and then our school Open House. Friday I have an appointment with an attorney about an old case of mine which is at his office 1 1/2 hours away. Saturday we have a birthday party. Munchkin starts school next week.

For the good news -
Bugaboo had his assessment on Friday. When I made the appointment/got the referral, he was not putting any weight on his legs, not rolling back to front, not showing any signs of mobility. Since I made the appt - he is putting weight on his legs when I hold him up, can stand while holding onto something if I put him in that position, and he is scooting on his bottom.So at his assessment, which was SUPER thorough, he scored from 6 months - 16 months (he is 10 months now). He got above average on everything, except eating (because he gums things and doesn't chew). The 16 month range was for thinking/verbal. And the 6 month range was for gross motor skills. His lowest score was 85. If he had scored 84 or lower we would have qualified for services.I was really impressed by his intellect (mommy brag ) He knows about 10 words - duck, hi, bye, mama, dada, boppy (paciifer), ball, and a few others and follows many commands "give mamma __" "wave bye bye" "give me 5" "clap" and "pat a cake' and "peek a boo" So the physical therapist and pediatrician write up their report. They said they'd detail exercises we could do to help with his gross motor skills. Then we can make an appointment (free of charge) and they will teach us the exercises and we can do them at home.If he is not pulling up independently by 15 months or walking by 18 months, we bring him back. Or if we have other concerns.So in summary, I have a very smart, deep-thinker who will be a philosopher. They said he's been concentrating so hard on his thinking skills that he's neglected his gross motor. They also said that because he scoots on his bottom, he's likely to never really crawl but just go to walking.

And Good news #2 - I won a drawing this weekend. It was the grand prize drawing at my scrapbook event. I, along with 15 friends, get a weekend stay at a scrapbook cabin. It's a 4 BR, 4 BA, cabin adjacent to a scrapbook store. Breakfast is provided. Use of all scrapbook materials/tools in the store. Discounts for shopping. Yippee!!! I actually had an audience member who was standing next to me when I won (sorry for bursting her eardrum) who offered to pay me money to be my "Friend" and get an invitation to go.

So, if I survive this week, I'll "see" you Friday at the Carnival

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Well at Least He…………

I went for a counseling session yesterday. Good timing since it took place just hours after I learned Husband was laid off. We talked about that quite a bit. Also about my dealing with thoughts of my father and his death. With Dad's death came an inundation of facts which quickly overwhelmed me. I wrote them down, lest I forget them and then have pulled them out little by little to absorb.

Therapist gave me a pamphlet to read on grief. She also talked about having to deal with finding out some not so good things about Dad after his death. Having to process being mad at a dead person and then moving to forgiving a dead person (forgiving meaning giving up vengeance). I've also learned that death doesn't bring the immediate closure I thought. Another thing that really hit home was when she mentioned her own experience in saying about someone "well at least they weren't…….only to find out post-death that they were." That hit me over the head. All along I've been saying "well dad was a such and such but at least he wasn't a so and so" only to find out he really is a so and so.

My father always wanted a son. He got two girls. When he re-married and adopted his new wife's three boys and a girl, everyone gushed, "oh now he has his son." That really didn't bother me as much as maybe it should. Being a girl wasn't something I could change. I just accepted it. After Sister and I got the boot, I heard that he was being a good father to these four children. I tried to be content with that information. At least these four kids were getting the benefit of a good father. At least he was protecting them.

My father would have blamed the issues in our relationship on two things – (1) he said I was a smart-alec and mouthy. This was because I disagreed with him. I also have some of his stubbornness and temper. (2) the fact that he sees me as choosing Toilet over him. He said as much when I last saw him – that he couldn't understand why I chose Toilet to participate in my wedding over Dad (forget about the fact that Dad was sent a note in the "save the date" wedding announcement telling him that if he wanted to be involved, to speak then or hold his peace. Then I heard nothing). What I took from this was a feeling that if only I had confided in my dad, he would have rescued me. He would have been the one person to stand up for me and kept me safe.

I thought another issue between my dad and I was the fact that he saw me as taking my mom's side in the divorce. My mom was the adulterous women (forgetting that my dad was an alcoholic and abusive). Despite his faults, I saw Dad as a good father and a righteous man. At least he wasn't a liar and cheat.

Flash forward……………………..

All I heard through the grapevine was that Dad was the only stable figure the other kids had (side note – still feel odd saying step-siblings, but "other kids" seems harsh too – it works for now though). I heard that Dad kept the peace and kept things calm.

Then people got over the "speaking ill of the dead" concept and true feelings began to be displayed. I talked to the other kids. I spoke with relatives.

The other kids think Dad was this saint. But then talk about the fights they got into. Physical fights. This side of counseling I can see how skewed their views are. These are not normal discipline events. This is not a normal event at all. These are fist fights. These are knock down, drag out fist fights.

My father always put down my mother for choosing Toilet over us girls. He continued to tell Sister and I that he would never do that – that us children always came first. When he chose his new wife and kicked us out, I placated myself by thinking, "he's still choosing children, just hers instead of us." But that's not true. Each and every one of those kids were shown the door on the day after they turned 18. The oldest had the police called when he refused to leave. The middle boy was kicked out at age 14 actually. Dad stood by and let it happen.

My father stood by and let his wife abuse these children – physically and emotionally. Let her starve them. If rumors are true (and I suspect they are) let the daughter be sexually abused as well.

So perhaps Dad was the lesser of two evils to these other children, but still evil nonetheless. And I have to change my thinking. He probably wouldn't have saved me even if I had confided in him. I'm not sure what that does to me or my thoughts. Not sure what impact it has. Right now it leaves me reeling and I need to process it some more.

I guess this is a blog post in progress……stay tuned for another update.




Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Panic - Husband Laid Off

Let the test of faith begin.

Husband just called. He is being laid off. His company has plenty of business - enough that he has been working overtime and some Saturdays. But while his division is really busy, the company is woefully mis-managed.

So as of August 28th he is unemployed. He's never been unemployed. Not since age 16.

He carries medical insurance on himself and the two kids. Time to get him an appointment with the doctor lickety split. He also has the YMCA membership, Sam's club membership, Science center membership and supplemental insurance through his work.

The last time I helped with his resume, we did it on our old computer and it is saved on a 3 1/2 x 5 floppy disk. Guess we'll be re-doing that! I did pull up the Employment security commission website. You need a law degree (ha) to make any sense of that. It is all automated and super confusing.

So off to make a zillion phone calls. Add him and the kids to my insurance. Find out expiration of YMCA and Sam's club. Pay the $5 fee to get a key to our (free) church gym. Go stock up on Sam's club diapers. Cancel all extras. Find out about forbearance on school loans. See if Husband qualifies for any grant money to go to school. Print off job openings.

Once I get through my to do list, I'll succumb to panic......

Friday, August 7, 2009

Carnival Against Child Abuse

I am pleased to host August's edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse.

Submissions are due to me by Tuesday August 18th and I will publish on Friday August 21st. (NOTE - I'm running behind so if you've not submitted, just get it to me by 5 pm USA time on Thursday)

To submit, click here, and follow the instructions (theme info below).

Q - What is a Blog Carnival?
A - it is a collection of blog articles. The host (which is me this month) collects links to articles written by different bloggers and lists them all here in one place.

Q - What's the point?
A - to gather a group of people interested in a specific subject; to encourage people to read other blogs; to connect those interested in a subject to blogs featuring articles of interest. This Carnival focuses on Child Abuse.

Q - Is there a theme?
A - Yes, BUT you are not limited to the theme (see more below). This month's theme is
Back to School. I've read a lot of blogs and stories from survivors that lead me to believe that many people are triggered by the "Back to School Season." It could be the schedule that changed when they were children, a parent's schedule that changed, or the influx of new people into their lives. I've also read accounts of teachers, educators and other school officials that stepped in and made a difference. Still other people suffered in school terribly. There are also parent survivors who are struggling with sending their own children to school. So however school-related, submit your stories here.

Q - What if I don't have a school-related post?
A - You can submit any post that relates to Child Abuse. On the submission page you will be asked to pick a category of - Advocacy & Awareness; Aftermath; Healing & Therapy; In the News; Poetry; or Survivor Stories. Pick one that fits best but do not be overly concerned. I'll reorganize so that it makes sense.

Q - I can't figure this submission stuff out. Can you help?
A - send me your submission directly - I'll also try to answer questions.

Q - My blog is not about Child Abuse but I want to submit. Can I?
A - Yes, your blog does not need to be about Child Abuse - just your blog post.

Q - Can I submit an older blog post?
A - Of course.

Q - Can I submit more than 1 post?
A - Absolutely.

So please consider submitting. I would especially love to hear from bloggers that have never submitted anything. If you have questions, contact me.

The link to submit again is -

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Round and Round in Circles

Monday night we had a time of reading Bible stories and prayer. It was about right and wrong choices. Munchkin got really upset and ran to her room. I went to talk to her. She told me that she had done something really bad and it was making her tummy hurt. Apparently during outside water play, a friend went to the bathroom on the playground. Munchkin decided to do it too and peed on the chair in the corner. (when she was little we let her pee outside during the summer rather than go through the house dripping wet from the pool. And she knows her nephews pee outside too) Not a huge deal, in my opinion.

I talked with her about good and bad choices. Reassured her that I will always love her, always and forever, no matter what she does. We talked about how your conscience, that some people call the Holy Spirit, makes your tummy kind of hurt when you make a bad choice. Talked about making it right – apologizing, praying, making amends. She seemed great.

Tuesday it was back to work and school for everyone. Munchkin was upset going to school. (I figured it was the “had too much fun staying home yesterday” syndrome since she had stayed home sick the day before) When we got there, she was real clingy. She said she was upset about “what we talked about last night.” She felt like she needed to tell her teacher. So I helped and we talked with the teacher. Ms. A was great – thanked Munchkin for telling her and then gave her a hug. So all was well – or so I thought.

Last night Munchkin was acting out of sorts again though. As she went to bed, she was crying and wanted to talk to me. She insisted it be me. (she says Daddy “makes fun” and “teases” and would be mad – my thoughts on that are for another post)

We had forgotten to take her blanket into class, so she was using a school blanket at naptime. She picked a booger and wiped on “Ms. A’s blanket.” (it took everything I had in me not to just crack up laughing at this. She was so super serious) I told her that this wasn’t a bad thing necessarily – just really bad manners. It was kind of like farting – every body does it but you don’t talk about it (I was pretty proud of my analogy)– and you should definitely not wipe it on anything but a tissue. So off to sleep she went.

This morning she was upset and crying again. I figured it was her anxiety. She was almost hyperventilating and panting. She had done this two nights before too. I tried to get her to do some deep and slow breathing with me but she kept saying, “I can’t.” (this was the horrible part – watching her sit there unable to get her breath)

So we went on to school. Talked in the car and she said she felt better when I explained that she didn't have to tell Ms. A about this. I thought all was fine....until the call about 10 that she was "warm" and sleepy. She was warm and had a fever, but she was under the blankets too. I gave her some ibuprofen. She acted like she would get sick, but had been crying. Never did get sick. Did sleep more than normal. But also said the best thing about being sick was staying home.

So she napped off and on all afternoon. Did watch a bit of TV. Because of the "24 hour rule" she'll be out tomorrow. But I have told Daddy not to let her have fun - no outside play, no computer, very little TV.

So the Round and Round in Circles Part? It's the back and forth. I thought I handled the good-bad choices issue okay. And the first day. And the conversation with Ms. A. But then this morning was horrible. Was she sick? Was she not sick?

My mom was really put out when we were sick. She was not a nurturing woman. When we were older, she was really out of sorts due to missing work. She also felt we over-exaggerated everything. She never thought it was that bad and the mantra was "suck it up buttercup."

On the other hand, I don't want Munchkin to get into the habit, even innocently, of thinking it is fun to be sick because she gets lots of extra perks.

Then there was the anxiety. She was almost hyperventilating. I was trying to get her to breathe slowly, watching her look exactly like me during a panic attack. She kept saying, "I can't" It was awful. I hated seeing her like that, gasping and crying and wild-eyed.

Makes me wonder if some of my anxiety issues aren't genetic? And if that is the case, then I can't really blame all my issues on the abuse. So does that make them me my fault? Was it my genes that passed them on to Munchkin? Or has she seen my issues, despite my attempts to hide them, and is copying? If my anxiety and panic issues are not abuse related, then shouldn't I just get over them already?

Monday, August 3, 2009

Handwriting Meme - Coffee & Conversation

Kahless tagged me with this Meme. You're supposed to write a blog entry in your own handwriting. If you are like me and can't figure out how to upload files, then just write the entry out, take a picture and upload it like any other photo.


I tag Kim, Beauty, Lynn, Austin and Lawyer -- and anyone else who wants to play along.

You can see some other things I wrote on Deb's site Scribblings (mine is the 2 entry one in the middle)

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Hell doesn't want him.....

I talked with my Sister today who had talked to Mom. Toilet is not doing well at all. He had the pacemaker put in last year. Somehow the blood flow from the bypass, coupled with the pacemaker is making the blood flow too strong or fast or something. So other organs are having to work overly hard. Combine that with years of smoking and damaged lungs. Also years of drinking way too much and damaged liver. Then there is the cholesterol meds and other meds that also damage the liver. They pulled him off his cholesterol meds to help the liver, but now his cholesterol levels are skyrocketing. Not sure if it is his gout or what, but his leg is really bad and he can't walk now either.

So, gloves off - call me horrible, but I grinned when I heard this. I got a little gleeful. He'll be dead soon - not soon enough, but soon. I don't wish him dead, but I sure as heck won't shed any tears, unless they are of joy. I'll probably do a little dance and sing, "ding dong the witch is dead........" Sister and I discussed that it is ironic that dad who exercised daily, worked doing physical labor all the time and ate healthy and died at 59. Toilet who drinks like a fish, eats horribly, smokes and never exercises, and is still kicking at 60 something. The only reason I figure he hasn't kicked the bucket yet is that heaven won't take him and hell doesn't want him.

Maybe it's a thought of if my dad died, he should too. Maybe it's a feeling of safety. Part of me finds it ironic that my mother, who stayed with this evil monster because of perceived safety, is now having to care for him - financially and in all other ways. So much for her being taken care of in her old age. I think in some way too I see it as the end of a chapter and that it will provide some healing. I know that he is good and gone then - no other kids in danger. He won't pop up looking to contact me, reconcile (gag) or have a change of heart and want to apologize (gag). I know some survivors dream of their abusers apologizing. Not me. Maybe long ago, but not anymore. I don't want it. Take that apology and shove it.