Saturday, August 1, 2009

Hell doesn't want him.....

I talked with my Sister today who had talked to Mom. Toilet is not doing well at all. He had the pacemaker put in last year. Somehow the blood flow from the bypass, coupled with the pacemaker is making the blood flow too strong or fast or something. So other organs are having to work overly hard. Combine that with years of smoking and damaged lungs. Also years of drinking way too much and damaged liver. Then there is the cholesterol meds and other meds that also damage the liver. They pulled him off his cholesterol meds to help the liver, but now his cholesterol levels are skyrocketing. Not sure if it is his gout or what, but his leg is really bad and he can't walk now either.

So, gloves off - call me horrible, but I grinned when I heard this. I got a little gleeful. He'll be dead soon - not soon enough, but soon. I don't wish him dead, but I sure as heck won't shed any tears, unless they are of joy. I'll probably do a little dance and sing, "ding dong the witch is dead........" Sister and I discussed that it is ironic that dad who exercised daily, worked doing physical labor all the time and ate healthy and died at 59. Toilet who drinks like a fish, eats horribly, smokes and never exercises, and is still kicking at 60 something. The only reason I figure he hasn't kicked the bucket yet is that heaven won't take him and hell doesn't want him.

Maybe it's a thought of if my dad died, he should too. Maybe it's a feeling of safety. Part of me finds it ironic that my mother, who stayed with this evil monster because of perceived safety, is now having to care for him - financially and in all other ways. So much for her being taken care of in her old age. I think in some way too I see it as the end of a chapter and that it will provide some healing. I know that he is good and gone then - no other kids in danger. He won't pop up looking to contact me, reconcile (gag) or have a change of heart and want to apologize (gag). I know some survivors dream of their abusers apologizing. Not me. Maybe long ago, but not anymore. I don't want it. Take that apology and shove it.


Mike Golch said...

I hope that with the end of toilet,you will have relief.
This being said, I do not wish any ill will on anybody,for any reason.I did that once and I ended going off a deep end that I still struggle with today.

Kahless said...

Good on you.

I cut up, by cutting in a car this morning. The driver beeped really hard. I looked in the mirror and it was my dad!!!

After the initial shock, I kind of like that I pissed him off!

I am not sure he realised it was me!

Marj aka Thriver said...

Hhhmmm...I think I'd have some similar feelings.

"Poor guy!" (sarcastic) Pay-back's a bitch isn't it?

Anonymous said...

i can relate to your anger very much. i think sometimes people really don't understand this type of anger.

i always wished for my dad to die, and when he finally did, i thought i would only feel relief. the emotions i did feel were somewhat suprising, some remorse, some fear. and some grief. i cried at his funeral, but it was for the utter tragedy of his life, and for the pain he caused others. but not because i was going to miss him! i was angry at people who thought it would help to tell me how much he loved me (no thanks!).

i hope that you pass through this time smoothly and in peace~ i know that the death and illness phase of the abuser can bring up all sorts of emotions and make life difficult and confusing for survivors.

~peace to you~