Thursday, October 29, 2009

Finding the Balance

I managed to get in for a T session today. I needed it. I was looking forward to getting some help in figuring out where the balance is between playing the "hall monitor" and "total hands off."

We talked about the decision I made with hunting (see post here). I told Husband that I was not going to go out of my way to schedule things when he is gone, but neither am I going to try to schedule everything into the one weekend he might be around. T said it was a good plan - to put everything square in his lap. Now I need to be sure that I don't react with anger when he leaves for hunting or returns. Not to get caught up in his struggle with whether he should go or not. Not to make the decision for him. But also not to run around ragged, making up for the cleaning and other things he would do if he were here. He needs to figure out how to make up (if possible) for what he misses when gone.

We talked about the pornography and my struggles with finding a balance between playing hall monitor and letting stuff run rampant in my house; between feeling like I'm overreacting and things aren't really that bad versus under-reacting and this is going to blow up in my face. We talked about how my past and childhood is blurring with the here and now. How I'm afraid to let my past totally dictate my reaction now, but am also afraid to ignore it.

We talked about what I have said and done so far. Set up some guidelines and set-ups that might work with the computer. It puts the responsibility back on Husband but gives me the ability to look and see what he has done if I need. T said that based on what I've said/done so far, I'm reacting outwardly appropriately.

My thoughts are going a bit overboard. But that's to be expected. We talked about the differences between this situation and my childhood. The reasons why I'm getting them all jumbled up and why this is throwing me for a tailspin. She made me feel okay with the fact that this inner war is going on, but also reminded me that my Husband is not Toilet. T has met Husband several times and she "knows" him pretty well through my years of telling her about him. There have also been group sessions where she's met with him. She reminded me that he has a good heart and loves the Lord. I need to trust in that - but not blindly.

I think the lesson here is to let my feelings be what they are, but to check them with my head. To let my head reassure my heart that there is a reason I married Husband and that he is getting help and reaching out. I need to remember that he is not Toilet and is not "destined" to follow some path into becoming Toilet's evil twin. I also need to keep an open eye and not ignore facts either.

We'll see how this goes...........

6 comments:

prochaskas said...

That sounds really good, Enola. I'm so glad you had a good session. I pray for you and him, and the kids.

mssc54 said...

I can not believe how much I've been thinking about this.

Very glad you are reassured.

hearttoheart said...

Glad you were able to get in to talk w/ T. Having an objective neutral 3rd person to be able to bounce things off of is a priceless gift. Having met your husband myself, I would concur that he is a good man. More than ever he needs the reassurance of your love. He's still got some growing up to do in regard to his hobby (hunting) but having struggled w/low self esteem, pornography and insecurity myself I can very easily project myself into what he's feeling..I'm guessing he's afraid.

Lynx217 said...

I really have been thinking since you posted this what to say... So I'll leave it at a big ol hug and this: You will find your way. It won't be easy always, but you know that. Remember you ARE strong, but a strong hand isn't always what you need. *HUGS*

April_optimist said...

Sounds like a good talk, good steps to take.

Marj aka Thriver said...

This post sounds like you've done a great balancing job. I'm proud of you, Enola. I've read your posts about the hunting issue in the past. I'm glad that you've come up with this healthy, assertive plan. Good for you!