Thursday, October 22, 2009

Get OUT !

(TRIGGER warning - foul language ahead)

If you have ever visited Facebook, then you know status messages start out -- Enola is ________.

Today, mine would read -

Enola is nauseated
Enola is livid.
Enola is pissed
Enola is sobbing
Enola is having a panic attack
Enola wants a xanax

I came home after a long day in court. I called and offered to pick up Bugaboo. Bugaboo is switching up to the 1 year class and I'm trying to do some of the pick up so I can get to know the teachers.

We get home and the house is a mess. Husband has worked 3 hours in the morning at daycare. Didn't bring Bugaboo home to spend time with him (another rant) but came home, watched TV and waited for the heating repair guy to come. I got busy getting food on the table, helping Daughter with homework, feeding Bugaboo, etc. Husband went and talked with the repair guy.

I mentioned to Husband, in a very nice tone of voice that it would be nice to come home to a straightened house. I try really hard to pick up when he's been gone and is coming home. That prompted a litany of what he'd done all day. Which turned into a rant about money. And how he's not looking for a job and he doesn't care. And what am I going to do about it? Well.......

I said something not so nice - I said let's list house for sale. He said then what - pay $700 for apt. I said no - I'll get an apartment with the kids - you go to your parents. He said something about, "well my theory is true." He wouldn't elaborate then.

So I get Bugaboo ready for bed and he's putting Munchkin to bed. I go downstairs to log onto the computer to pay bills. Something odd comes up and when I go to click to my "favorites" I hit history and it's all these gun sites. So I'm mad, thinking Husband is searching guns all day instead of jobs. Click "full history" and oh no, my eyes.

That fucking bastard. This wasn't an accidentally stumbled upon a x rated site. This wasn't "I typed Dick's sports instead of Dick's sporting goods." That's happened before. This is searched out, googled it, sought it out stuff. He looked at that shit with my daughter's picture set as the background picture on my computer .

Of course it's my fault. I didn't block the sites. I didn't install controls. We've not had sex in awhile. I'm on the computer too much. I'm ignoring him.

He says he has an addiction. Okay, deep breath. I can understand addictions are tough. I tell him to get help. He shakes his head. I tell him he has 2 weeks to call his counselor. "Nope," he says, "or what?" I tell him I'll have to decide what to do and he says, "my theory is already proven. You're done with our marriage anyway. You're not sleeping with me and now you want me to move out."

I tell him I'm committed to working on our marriage. I'm frustrated with him. I reiterate (for the millionth time) that I do not blame him for being laid off. I do not blame him for not finding a job quickly. I do hold him responsible for his efforts which are slim to none. He's been out of work since Sept 25th and has contacted TEN places. He defends saying that he didn't look while getting severance.

Then he admits he's not looking to get a job right now. He doesn't want to take a job where he'll have to work holidays. He mentions that Daughter has two weeks off from school and would have to do before/after school and full day care. She's done that before - she's a daycare kid. And if he hadn't have lost his job, there wouldn't have ever been an issue about that. Plus I have time off.

When I point this out, he admits he doesn't want to work holidays. He wants time off. And...da da da.......he wants to hunt. He won't take a job because it will interfere with hunting. He's been putting on his applications that he is not available until January 1st. (forget about that fact that if this is discovered he'll lose unemployment for being "unavailable for work.")

Damn selfish bastard

So - talk about choices. He has now chosen hunting over me and our family. Being lazy over supporting our family. And porn over me.

I have talked about so much personal shit in counseling. The one thing I have never talked about is our intimate life. There's not enough medication for that. I can't do it. And now I'm going to have too. I'm going to have to talk about all this sex shit - probably with him in the room too, if he'll ever go to marriage counseling. I could kill him

I message my sister. She has parental controls on her computer and her husband struggled with this. She has books and resources. She's my sister and I need someone to cry too. I'll be damned if Husband sees or hears me crying. Sister calls me on the phone instead of computer messaging me. Husband brings me the phone and says, "Didn't take you long to run and blab to her." Guess I'm supposed to keep this quiet, huh? He says, "don't you dare go talking about this to people."

He didn't dare try to come into the bedroom last night. He's permanently on the couch for now. I did password protect the computer. I refuse to be the "hall monitor." I discussed it with my sister, and she, knowing my controlling tendencies, read me a passage out of a book she read when dealing with this shit. It warned about becoming the controlling one - putting controls on computers, TVs, mail, etc. Husband already wants me to mother him. I can't do it here. I did put a block on the computer because I can't stomach the thought of porn on a computer where I deal with pictures of my kids and scrapbooking.

I've got an email and will call as soon as lines open to my counselor.


lawyerchik said...

I am so sorry, Enola..... My parents went through this a few years ago, and it was heartbreaking. I hope that things get better..... I'm sorry - I don't know what else to say. [[[[HUG]]]]

hearttoheart said...

this jumped out @ me (among many things) :He says, "don't you dare go talking about this to people."

To which I would say to him..that is simply not an option (you not talking to someone) I do believe you are committed to your marriage, while at the same time have a very real desire to kill him.

I wish we lived closer to you guys...I would take him out for a man to man talk behind the wood shed as one sinner to another.

Faith-Magdalene said...

E, the man sounds angry and frustrated. He also sounds like he's got major issues with self esteem right now. Your roles have changed big time. Your husband ( a real gun toting man's man) has now become lower on the pole. He's the stay at home Dad. In his mind he's doing woman's work while you go off to your oh so powerful job.

From what I read in this entry (and obviously I don't know the whole story) but from what I read this is a major self esteem issue.

He wants his world back where he's the man's man not the stay at home Dad who is questioned about why he didn't clean why you were out being the major bread winner.

Role reversal and personal image have collided with potentially devastating results. It seems he feels less than a man right now however, you are dead right and 100% justifiably angry about porn on the same computer as photos of your children. That aspect of it gave me chills and made me see red.


Faith-Magdalene said...

I just want to add and sum up that this issue is quite possibly NOT at all about porn but self esteem and effects of role reversal.

Faith-Magdalene said...

sorry.... me again. This has obviously sparked serious thought on my part so I'm back again.

I think it's rather telling that he didn't erase the history or do everything in his power to make sure he didn't get caught. It seems rather self-destructive if you ask me (which you didn't).

When you blamed yourself for his behavior you split which is one of the things I was talking about in my entry. It is also something survivors do. We look for ways that things are our fault. I could have, should have, etc because we were taught that the world works for the good or bad depending on our personal actions. Something we did made the abuser hurt us OR if we don't let the abuser hurt us something bad will happen. The success or failure of the world depends on our behavior. That's the message we got as children but that is a lie.

The truth may be that his actions have nothing to do with you but solely about how he's feeling powerless and emasculated with the whole role reversal thing. He seems to have issues with self esteem and seems rather self destructive right now. He also seems to want to hold onto the one thing he feels he has left which makes him a "man" and that is hunting season. He's gotta let his testosterone flair in the wild. He seems to hold onto that tightly.

I'm going to shut up now. I think I've said enough.

Faith (who sometimes doesn't know when to shut up)

beautifuldreamer said...

I have a problem with porn myself (it creeps me out), and having been married and in the position of having to deal with a hubby's porn addiction, I totally understand how this makes you feel.

At the same time I have to agree with Austin that your hubby's pornographic interests are probably more about his self-esteem (feeling emasculated by losing his job) than anything else. I know that even if this is so it doesn't really help you to feel better about the whole issue.

I do hope he'll consent to go to marriage counseling and be co-operative if he does go. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, it's a difficult subject.

Tracie said...

I am sorry you are having to go through this. I strongly feel that it is wrong for his excuse to be that you and he aren't having sex. That is no reason to be looking at porn. No excuse.

I can understand him having self-esteem issues right now, and maybe there is something that can be done to combat that (a deal that if he is spending 8 hours a day looking for employment, then you aren't expecting him to do household chores that he didn't do while working, but if he is at home lazing around, then the chores are his. That way he gets control over "man's work or women's work")

The truth is that to me, porn is cheating. I know everyone doesn't agree, but I am firm on this. And if your husband is cheating on you, he has no right to ask you to not talk to someone about it (by the way the "don't talk to anyone about this" line is such a trigger for me-it is the thing that keeps abuse hidden) you have every right to talk to whomever you please. And obviously you aren't maliciously going around trying to hurt him, you are trying to find comfort and advice-just like anyone would in this situation.

I hope that he will go to counseling about this and that you are able to work through it, and I am sorry that you have been put in the position to have to do that.

Kahless said...

I am really sorry that you are going through this.