Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I Blame Pornography - Lighbulb Moment

You have to have read this post here in order for this to make sense. As I wrote that post, I had a sense of de ja vu. I looked back and voila, I have written about porn - Toilet connection before. I have also written about my reaction and how I think he liked it. I know now not to blame myself for how I reacted - it was a child's innocent curiosity. But I also know that Toilet was looking for someone that would stay silent and I did. In my mind, I blame pornography for the abuse. I see it, and my reaction, as the catalyst that started it all.
Husband came home last night to say that he found out someone else in his church group is struggling with the same issue. He talked about how it's very common and other people have done worse. blah blah blah
I talked with Husband very calmly this morning. I told him that I was not the person he needed to be talking to about this. If he wants to discuss plans to ensure it doesn't happen again, that's fine. But I can not be the person he talks with about what he's learned in counseling and how others struggle. All I hear is excuses. All I hear is "it's not that bad" and "everyone else is doing it." I told him to talk to friends about that. He again told me not to talk to anyone. I told him very calmly (can you tell I had counted to 10 and done deep breathing first?) that I would not be silenced - that I had spent my entire life being told to shut up and keep quiet. After walking away and coming back, I told him that I was not going to be taking out billboards or going around gossiping, but that if I needed to talk to someone, I wasn't going to refrain from doing it. He'd prefer (of course) if I stick to my "unreal" (AKA online) buddies and not anyone he might have to see (like my sister). Too bad for him. I am not going back to the old way of life of trying to remember what everyone knows and what version of reality I need to be remembering with which person.
He said he definitely didn't want his family knowing. I'm not planning on telling them. His cousin is supposed to stay at our house this weekend since she's working over the weekend at the plant location near our place. I told Husband I wasn't planning on telling her - but that I wasn't planning on hiding the fact that we have separate bedrooms or aren't exactly the happiest couple on the block. He'll just have to deal.


Anonymous said...

Believe me, there are more than just your husband and one other guy at your church struggling with pornography. They are the only two willing to admit their struggle.

Every man struggles with pornography/sexual issues at some point in their life. Every man. Period.

We (men) are constantly bombarded with sexual images. They are everywhere. Just look at the billboards or TV commercials. And for goodness sakes look at the way many women dress today! On the one hand women don't want to be oggled but then wear blouses that show cleavage or wear clothes that look like they were sprayed on or skirts so short that some guy is just hoping that she has to bend over at a water fountain or something.

Men are stimulated through their senses... by what they see, smell, hear and touch. Men are especially stimulated visually! Why else does pornography hold such a vise like grip on their lives?

Now look, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that's it's all women's fault that some guys find themselves rooted in a depraved lifestyle. No, it's a choice each and every individual makes.

But think about this. If you know someone is struggling with their weight would you parade some freshly baked brownies under their nose a few dozen times a day? How likely would that person be to eventually say, "Well just one little bite won't hurt." Then before you know it they are baking their own brownines when no one else is around.

I am currently reading a book titled, "Every Man's Battle - Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time" by Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker with Mike Yorkey.

Here is an excerpt from page 92.
"You see, sexual impurity isn't like a tumor growing out of control inside us. We treat it that way when our prayers focus on deliverance, as we plead for someone to come remove it. Actually, sexual impurity is a series of bad decisions on our part - a result of immature character - and deliverance won't deliver you into instant maturity. Character work needs to be done."

Erin Merryn said...

So glad you finished it...your only the second person I heard from because many have not even received it yet and many are waiting to go to the stores. Living For Today will reach many and just think you were one of the first to open it up and finish it. As you can imagine it was a tough one yet inspiring one to write at the same time. I like the way you worded things on my post to get the point across without revealing too much. Can you do me a huge favor....since you finished it can you leave a review on amazon or where ever you purchased it Borders, Barnes and Nobles. There is already one review on amazon from the only other person that I know personally that has finished the book. I know many that are reading it right now. Thanks! :)

Erin Merryn said...

PS: What did you think of how I approached my faith in the book? I didn't want to push Christian faith on readers I only wanted to show that my faith is the reason I am Living For Today.

Ethereal Highway said...

You are doing a fabulous job of taking care of yourself in this. I'm proud of you!

Tracie said...

I think you are completely right about telling him that he has to find someone else to talk to about this....it isn't healthy for you! And it isn't going to help your relationship any if it sounds like he is making excuses (which it kind of did to me!)

On a slightly random note....my uncle is a pastor, and a few years ago he did a special series for men about pornography. The men who were struggling with this formed a support group, everyone in the group was assigned to a "buddy"--they all installed some program on their computer that linked up with their buddies and somehow it would alert the other guy (and also the group facilitator) if someone was looking at a porn site. I'm not sure about all of the logistics of this, but if he is involved in a church group that is discussing this issue, it could be something that they could think about...also it would take the responsibility for monitoring him off of your shoulders.

I read your previous post as well, and I have to say that the pornography being the start of the abuse is a very common thing. So often this is the place where it starts, from both sides-the abuser is addicted to the pornography, as well as using it to groom the child to gauge their reaction to it.

Luke said...

Men really need to have other male friends in their life to talk about these issues with. Wives shouldn't have to be dealing with the emotional mess of their husband's porn habit and playing his counselor at the same time.

You might like this youtube video about one couple who fought through this issue:


Lindylou said...

This is such a huge reality in life. PORN is a tool of the Enemy that he has used against man since the beginning of time...it started in the heart of lusting after what was not his...and then people got cocky enough to make their lustful thoughts into products that could be shared...

It has torn down too many families and men.

My ds are so bombarded with it and we are trying so hard to allow them to be wise but not thrown into it all.

We use www.covanenteyes.com on the computer but no program is perfect to help in the web area.