You have to have read this post here in order for this to make sense. As I wrote that post, I had a sense of de ja vu. I looked back and voila, I have written about porn - Toilet connection before. I have also written about my reaction and how I think he liked it. I know now not to blame myself for how I reacted - it was a child's innocent curiosity. But I also know that Toilet was looking for someone that would stay silent and I did. In my mind, I blame pornography for the abuse. I see it, and my reaction, as the catalyst that started it all.
Husband came home last night to say that he found out someone else in his church group is struggling with the same issue. He talked about how it's very common and other people have done worse. blah blah blah
I talked with Husband very calmly this morning. I told him that I was not the person he needed to be talking to about this. If he wants to discuss plans to ensure it doesn't happen again, that's fine. But I can not be the person he talks with about what he's learned in counseling and how others struggle. All I hear is excuses. All I hear is "it's not that bad" and "everyone else is doing it." I told him to talk to friends about that. He again told me not to talk to anyone. I told him very calmly (can you tell I had counted to 10 and done deep breathing first?) that I would not be silenced - that I had spent my entire life being told to shut up and keep quiet. After walking away and coming back, I told him that I was not going to be taking out billboards or going around gossiping, but that if I needed to talk to someone, I wasn't going to refrain from doing it. He'd prefer (of course) if I stick to my "unreal" (AKA online) buddies and not anyone he might have to see (like my sister). Too bad for him. I am not going back to the old way of life of trying to remember what everyone knows and what version of reality I need to be remembering with which person.
He said he definitely didn't want his family knowing. I'm not planning on telling them. His cousin is supposed to stay at our house this weekend since she's working over the weekend at the plant location near our place. I told Husband I wasn't planning on telling her - but that I wasn't planning on hiding the fact that we have separate bedrooms or aren't exactly the happiest couple on the block. He'll just have to deal.