Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Torn - and a Decision

I've gotten lots of comments, and some direct emails with regard to my recent blog posts. I appreciate everyone's thoughts. I especially appreciate those men who have written to tell me they've struggled with pornography too. And the women who have written me about facing this situation.

On the one hand, I worry I'm over-reacting because of my childhood issues. On the other hand, I worry that because I didn't react strongly enough (my perception) to the pornography as a child, that my failure to react led to a worsening of the abuse. See the dilemma? I'm talking with T later this afternoon.

Husband had his therapy appointment yesterday. He's minimzing - I believe he thinks that because he's talked with a few guys at church and been to one session, that he's okay. Besides I've got blocks on anything, so he's good, right?

Husband is totally in denial on the hunting. Or maybe it's not denial. He has listenened to all I say. I wrote him a very non-confrontational letter. He admits the points I make. He just doesn't see the big deal. Today he asked, "isn't it better for me to make a choice, than for you to dictate rules?" I could have argued about being a dictator of rules. But I chose a different tactic. One I'd been contemplating a bit.

I told him no rules. No holds barred. He can hunt wherever and whenever he wants. All I ask is that he write it on the calendar, and if it is when I am working or have plans (per the calendar) that he make child care arrangements. I'm tired of being seen as the dictator. I can't force him to choose me or the family. Let him choose what he wants.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not going to play second fiddle or allow my family to be usurped by hunting either. But when a co-worker and I were discussing being hunting widows, she mentioned finally giving up. She said, "you know what? Things run smoother when he's not around. The kids and I have more fun. There's less tension. We can enjoy time more when we are together, and the kids and I are really close."

She has a point. I love spending time with the kids. It's his choice whether or not to be a part of this. If he wants to go off and hunt, rather than hang out with the children and I, then so be it. His loss - not mine. And if he chooses to hunt all the time, and I learn to cope as a single parent, well ........ Ultimately he is responsible for the relationship he forms with me and with the children. I can't force him to enjoy the activities the kids enjoy or to do them. He'll have to face the consequences of his choices later. All I can do is be the best wife and mother I know how.


Anonymous said...

The paralells in our lives are scary.

I wish I could remember what triggered my realization that I was being so selfish with my hunting time. A couple of years I would go (literally) 4 or 5 times in a single week!

I was good at rationalizing. I was trying to provide food for my family. I had alone time in the tree stand to pray and meditate. At least I wasn't one of "those" husbands that spent money in the bars drinking and carousing till all hours of the night. Yeh, I was a pretty good husband because of the things that I DIDN'T do. Right?

I fear it will take something dramatic.

Kahless said...

You are right Enola, ultimately you can only choose what you do with your time and the time you have with your kids.

lawyerchik said...

That sounds really good, Enola. I hope things get better for you and your family!!