Commercial Break

This blog will return to its regularly scheduled programming when the author has recovered from this bubonic plague. All the Lysol-ing, hand sanitizing, zycam-taking, vitamin C popping and orange juice drinking, has failed this time. I have something - a cold, the flu? Not sure. Of course my insurance ran out yesterday and I don't have insurance through the new job for a few more weeks. I ~could~ pay COBRA if it gets real bad. But at those prices, I'd have to be dying first.

Overdid it too. Went scrapbooking with friends last night - out late. Baby was up several times after that. Husband had gone in to comfort Daughter who fell out of bed. He fell asleep in her room and didn't hear Baby. We're both pretty tired. We had to be up early to go have family portraits done. Despite my sniffles, they came out pretty good.

Then we went to lunch. I had some great soup. Then I dropped Daughter and Husband off at the gun show, while Baby and I went to the cell phone store. I needed a new phone and our contracts were up. I have a Blackberry in pink!!! I love it. I also learned that being a government employee has perks - namely an awesome discount. I paid less than $100 for my phone, got 2 other phones (not blackberrys) for free, and got a better plan for less than I'm paying now. One phone is for Husband. The other we will leave at the house and it is now our home phone. The salesperson even ported the number for me. I get to dump the $30 a month landline fee. We hadn't done that up to now because if Husband and I were both out, we wanted to have a phone to leave here at the house, especially if Daughter was here.

The salesman was funny. He kept trying to give me another blackberry. I kept telling him that Husband didn't want anything with bells and whistles. He wanted the phone to make calls and receive calls. That's it. I do think he used the camera on it once while deerhunting. I program the numbers into his phone usually, but more often than not I see him dialing them out instead of using speed dial anyway. So after much back and forth, I talked the sales guy into two plain Jane phones, instead of the blackberry. Yeah.

I was in the midst of a wonderful and long nap, when Husband brought Baby in. Said he couldn't get Baby to quit crying. Baby had shots yesterday and is also constipated so he's a bit fussy. I got Baby to quiet right down and go back to sleep and we both napped another hour. Now I'm up again, drinking hot tea. Going back to bed as soon as I help with bath time for the kids.

Here's Your Sign - part 2

Given the comments to my last post and this blog post here, I'm thinking that at best, my sense of humor didn't shine through, and at worst I pissed some people off. It's also apparent that no one here watches Blue Collar TV.

Let me be perfectly clear - I value comments, even ones I don't agree with. On the other hand, I am not trying to be objective here. I write for ME. I spent a lot of years not having feelings - suppressing them and denying them. When I first started acknowledging them, I'll admit my husband took the brunt of my anger. He was safe (is safe). I know without a doubt he'd never strike out in anger or retaliation. I can say that I've gotten better - much, much better - at expressing myself. This blog is now a place where I get in tune with my emotions and vent. I'm not trying to present both sides. I'm just venting. Call it my anger work, if you will.

Husband did make some of the comments referenced in my last post for real. (some of my comments were said out loud - others were kept in my head). He was clueless about how things worked around here. He would ask permission to do things - like bathe our daughter. He would really ask if Daughter needed a coat when it was 20 degrees out. Instead of just stopping and thinking about it a moment. He could not (well, would not is a better way of saying it) make any decisions. I was in charge of everything. Part of that was my fault. I'm a control freak. He grew up being babied by his folks. For awhile we matched well together. I was the controlling one. He was the puppy dog that followed me around and did what I said. We were both miserable.

In counseling I learned to let go. To not have an answer for everything. "I don't know" was a constant refrain. Husband would say, "Do we have pintos?" and I'd say "I don't know." Husband would say, "Does Daughter need a coat?" I'd say, "I don't know, what do you think?"

Husband got some counseling of his own. Also as I let things go, he inevitably had to pick up some of the slack. But the questions continued - I guess out of habit. Rather than roll my eyes and sigh (have to confess I used to do a lot of that), I started making a joke about it.

Anyway, we love the "Here's Your Sign" skit and will say that to one another. I can be very sarcastic and so I will sometimes (okay a lot) spout off a sarcastic comment. Husband on the other hand, makes a joke. He's a real jokester.

Husband knows I hate when he jokes or laughs at me when I'm mad. And I know he hates when I am sarcastic when he is mad. I try not too. Sometimes I do mess up and he'll tell me to "stop being a smart ass."

I told my husband about the post I wrote and some of the comments. He wanted to know why I didn't write about any of the stupid things I said/did :) I told him he was welcome to start his own blog.........

I did ask my Husband if he thought I was passive aggressive. Frankly I laughed at that. My mother is passive aggressive, and I shudder at the thought of being anything like her, so I'm darn sure I'm not. My husband laughed too. He said, "heck no you're not passive aggressive. You'll just say it like it is. You're not afraid to speak your mind., that's for sure." Not sure if that was a compliment or not?

Laurie/Casey - I am sorry that you were triggered. I assure you that I'm not the Silent - or violent - type. My abuser was one to ridicule everything I did. I definitely know the difference between humorous sarcasm and meanness. My husband jokes back and is sarcastic just as much as me. Of course I'm not going to write about all the stupid things I do !!

And now, since Husband just asked me if the laundry was done as the big hamper full of clean dry laundry is sitting right here, I'm going to go give him his sign (that's a joke if anyone missed it).

Here's Your Sign

"Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That
way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything.

It would be like, "Excuse me...oops...never mind, didn't see your sign."

These are true conversations at my house. I am going to start passing out signs….

Husband, as he peers into the cabinet, “ Are we out of pinto beans?”
Me - "First, I don’t eat the blasted things. If you ate the last of them, and did not put it on the grocery list, then yes we are out. Second, Look in the cupboard that is right in front of your face."
Husband – But I don’t see any.
Me – then I guess we might be out of them

Daughter - Mommy why can’t I stay home today.
Me - Because Mommy and Daddy have to work
Daughter - Why
Me - To earn money to pay the bills
Daughter - Can’t you just print out some money on your computer?
Me - Gee, why didn’t I think of that?

Husband - you can do that?

Husband - Do you want me to change the baby?
Me - Does he need it?
Husband - Well he drooled on his outfit and his diaper is wet.
Me - Then change it already, unless that is over your head.

Husband - What is for dinner?
Me - I don’t know – (thinking to myself - am I the menu planner). How about --- I list suggestions
Husband - None of that sounds good
Me - Well what do you want?
Husband - I don’t know
[chirping]
Husband - how about picking something up
Me - Okay what do you want?
Husband - I don’t know
Me - How about [suggestions]
Husband - Nah – I was thinking of [place]
Me - Grrrr (thinking - why didn’t you just suggest that in the first place)

Husband comes up to me while I’m standing in the bathroom putting toothpaste on my toothbrush – what cha’ doing?
Me – gee I don’t know – thought I’d rub this here brush against your head and see if I could scrub some sense into you.

At 6 am – alarm goes off – I curse. I say “gosh I’m tired”
Husband to me –“ Ahh I slept good, how about you?”
Me – did you not hear the baby get up 4x last night?
Husband – oh no. Guess I was sleeping? So, did you sleep good?
Me – what part of FOUR TIMES did you not understand?

I walk in the door with the kids
Husband – did you pick up the kids today?
Me – nope and I don’t know who these two brats are that followed me home.

Dog comes running up the stairs and in the door with me.
Husband – “oh did you let the dog in?”
Me – “Nope, she must have learned how to unlock and open the door by herself”

I tell Husband good night, put jammies on, crawl into bed and turn out the lights.
Husband comes in bedroom, “Oh are you going to sleep?”
Me – “Nope, thought I’d just sit here in the dark with my eyes closed.”

Husband is taking kids to daycare. He tells me to be sure to start the car early because it is only 20 degrees out.
Husband – “Do you think Daughter needs a coat today?”
Me – “Nah, just start her up early and she can warm herself up”
Husband – “what?”
Me – “Didn’t you just tell me it was 20 degrees out?”
Husband – “yeah”
Me – “Yes she needs a coat”
Husband – “what about gloves and a hat”
Me – “this is why people say there should be a test to become a parent.”

Risky Business v. Control Freak

April_Optimist wrote about taking risks and about how she has learned to stop worrying about every contingency and go for it, even if it means failing. That prompted me to think about how I make decisions.

You would think that a person could not be both a risk taker and a control freak. I'm living proof that it can be done.

If you looked into my past from the outside, you'd likely think I am a risk taker. I experimented with drugs, drank way too much alcohol and risked STDs and pregnancy with my "extra-curricular activities." I partied hard. I ran with a wild crowd, drove to fast, walked the streets of an inner city, flirted with dangerous men and lots of other such things. Then at age 17, I left home to go to college - 9 hours from all family. After college I turned down a full scholarship to an out-of-state school to attend law school in state on a partial scholarship. I risked getting married, when few in my immediate family have ever had a marriage work out. I then risked moving to a new town, having Husband quit his job, and signing a one year lease - on the hope and prayer that I would pass the bar exam and be able to obtain licensure to work at the law firm. I financed all this with school loans, taking a risk that I'd someday be able to pay all this back.

That all sounds pretty risky. Even my career field sounds risky. I argue cases every day where I risk losing. Not only do I risk losing an argument and making a fool out of myself, I risk my clients' futures.

So do I think I'm a risky person? Not at all.

I analyze everything to death. I ponder every option. I overthink everything. I waffle back and forth. I talk it out in my head. I have conversations with people who aren't there. I pretend they are there. Then I talk to them and try to think about what they would say. Sometimes I even get advice from people for real. I post on online forums. I make pro/con lists. I write blog posts and try to sort things out.

I often want someone else to tell me what to do. I often make decisions based on what I think I should do and what I think someone else wants me to do. I make decisions on what is best for everyone else, except me.

I would classify myself as a control freak. I had to control every decision. I was in charge. I could make decisions and appear to make them quickly and well -- at least from the outside. No one knew the turmoil on the inside.

Three years ago began a period where I was paralyzed with fear. I couldn't make a decision at all. My idea of making a decision was to do nothing and let whatever happened occur. Uncertainty caused panic attacks which caused self-injury. I was on so many medications that I was numb.

I began to let loose of some of my control tendencies. I began delegating more and more to others. By refusing to do everything, I forced my Husband to start doing some things. At work, I found a good legal assistant and was able to delegate more to her. At the same time I learned to let go, I was learning to make decisions in my own life. I risked letting others help me. I risked making a decision. I also took control of my life.

This past year has been one risk after another. Selling our house and buying another. Having another child. Quitting a job I've held for over 8 years. Taking another job. Gee and I wonder why my anxiety is high and my jaw hurts from clenching?!?!

From the outside I appear to be calm, cool, collected. In control. Taking risks. Few people know what it does to me on the inside. The stomach aches, sleepless nights, anxiety and panic. It is getting better though. The paralyzing fear has relaxed some. I still spend way too much time contemplating and worrying. But I can take some action now.

As an abuse survivor, I lived a life out of my control. Just surviving was risky. I grasped at any control I could find. As an adult survivor I am learning to loosen my controlling tendencies and take more risks. It's a very slow process but I'm inching forward.

KEEP IT DOWN !!!

This is my living room -

This is me -

This morning I kept the toddler nursery during church. We had 9 children aged 18 months to 3 years. It was LOUD. It didn't bother me in the least. Children are supposed to be loud in that setting. We played Play-Doh, blocks and cars.

After church we came home. Soon my mother, father and brother-in-law arrived. We ate and the meandered into the living room to hang out. Of course, Husband and FIL "just had" to have the TV on. It alternated between headline news, Nascar racing and golf. My husband is talking to his dad about the stimulus package. MIL is trying to tell me about the family gossip. Daughter is running in and out demanding "watch me dance." Baby started crying. People talk louder to talk over the other.................................STOP YELLING!

My husband works in a loud environment. I know he has hearing loss (refuses to go get it checked out). He wears ear plugs at work, which require him to talk very loudly to his co-workers to be heard. He comes home and yells. I'm constantly putting my finger on my lips or saying "keep it down" or "stop yelling."

When husband gets excited or passionate about a subject, he can really get loud.

Noise doesn't bother me, as evidenced by the noisy toddlers this morning. However, loud debating and too many people talking at once makes me uneasy. Guaranteed to send me into a state of panic. I can feel myself tense up.

It relates back to Saturday and Sunday afternoons growing up. The TV was always on at the house. We all gathered in the living room. Toilet would start an argument - about race, religion, politics, etc. It would get louder and louder and uglier and uglier. Mom would try to divert attention by having a side conversation with someone. Soon it was just too noisy and I wanted everyone to SHUT UP.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh.................quiet.............the in-laws have left. Daughter is in her room. Husband is in the other room. Quiet.................for awhile.........until Daughter's friends arrive.

Simple Sunday

Friday was supposed to be Girls' night where my girlfriends came over to scrapbook. Husband was taking Daughter to his folks, ostensibly to pick up the dog. But really it turned into an overnight hunting (Rabbit is still in season) trip.

At about 4:15 Husband called. Daughter had been laying around lethargic all day at daycare. We had assumed it was the "my tummy hurts AKA I want to stay home all day and play" bug. But that afternoon she was warm with a fever and pretty miserable. So I cancelled everyone coming to my house. Husband stayed home. Daughter laid on the couch. I went grocery shopping. We all went to bed early.

Saturday I woke up and washed my hair (again) with dish detergent. I had colored it on Tuesday and it came out way too dark. Instead of medium brown with auburn streaks, it was black with purple streaks. We have Baby's pictures scheduled next weekend and I didn't want to have purple hair. So I asked Husband about my going to get it fixed at the salon. Four hours and $145 later, my hair had been stripped and re-dyed. It is now medium brown with lighter streaks. Lighter than I like, but more natural looking.

Saturday evening we learned our tax refund had been deposited. Yippee!! We paid off our credit card - it was a 12 month same as cash one we used to build our fence last year. It was due in March or interest would accumulate. So we paid off that, as well as all the medical bills from delivery of Baby and his hospitalization and all the medical tests. We also paid off my braces and my malpractice insurance. Now we've freed up enough to pay down a school loan. This year we've paid off both cars. So at the present we have our mortgage/equity line and three school loans. We're getting there.

We had a church member lose her mother to cancer this weekend. Some of the church travelled by church bus to the neighboring state for the service. It was going to be a late night and I knew we couldn't go with the baby. So I volunteered to keep children for those that wanted to go.

My in-laws came up for lunch and to return the dog. My MIL had already planned lunch so she brought it with her - chicken pie, mashed potatoes, slaw and green beans. Yummy! They stayed awhile and just left. Then the kids arrived - a 5 year old boy who is just a few weeks younger than Daughter. And his 7 year old sister. You'd think it would be louder here. But actually the kids entertain each other. Husband and I are sitting here, baby on our laps, watching TV and surfing the net.

It's been a nice simple, quiet weekend. Oh and Baby was up 2x Fri night (with a 5 hour stretch) and 1x last night (with a 6 hour stretch). Yeah!

Settling In

I'm getting settled in my new office and job. Husband is coming to take me to lunch today. Then he'll lug all my pictures, etc up the stairs to my new office. He could take the elevator, but he doesn't "do" elevators.

My new office is much smaller. Also the lounge area is way across the other side of the building. And very small for the number of employees. So I'm getting a microwave and fridge for my office. Not sure where I'll fit everything though.

I emailed tech support. I need my computer moved. Right now it is such that my back is to the door. I can't stand that. Besides, how can I blog at work if people can walk by and see me goofing off!

Husband is going to his folks tonight and staying to hunt tomorrow. I'm having some girls over to scrapbook. I'm not sure how my having the girls over for a few hours this evening equates (always) to him being gone all night and the next day -- but it does.

I need to grocery shop. No food in the house. But have to be careful. I don't get paid till mid-March so we're living off savings and Husband's check. His hours were cut so it's going to be a bit tight for awhile.

Time for lunch!!

First Day on the New Job

I had a great first day. They had a covered dish breakfast to welcome me. Then I spent a few hours with each program I'll be working with. They also fed me lunch and had me meet with the department heads. I had a tour of the building, a crash course in their computer system and met a ton of people. Thank goodness there are name badges - I'll never remember everyone. I'll probably be lost in the building too.

Tomorrow I attend court. There are 260 on the child support docket. Another attorney is actually doing the cases - I'm observing. Wanna bet she has me take over a few?!?!?!

I really think I'll enjoy the new job and the people. I'm looking forward to it.

Ahh Relaxation

Last Thursday was the end of an era. It was my last day as an associate attorney. On Thursday night I packed. At 2 am Friday morning we hit the road. The Baby was great on the drive up. We got to my sister's house about 11am.

I ate way too much food. Cookies, valentine's day chocolate, coffee (the good kind) and ice cream. Played a lot. Baby slept horribly there but I had lots of people willing to take a turn with him so I got to sleep in some.

On Friday we celebrated Christmas with my sister. Had a lot of fun. My husband received a hilarious, slapstick movie which we all watched. The kids played with all their toys. My niece was in love with Baby and just doted on him.

Saturday was Valentine's Day. Plus we celebrated Daughter's birthday. Have to celebrate the holidays when we can. On Sunday we went to church with Sister in their new building. It was fun to see the new place. I love the music at their service.

The highlight of Sunday was meeting up with Kim, another blogger. This is the second time we have met. It was so much fun to see her. Her daughter is simply adorable and our girls have lots of fun together. We met at an indoor fun park and the two of them had fun blowing (I mean enjoying!) our money. Kim sent us home with a tray of homemade, simply delicious cookies. I hate to say that Sister and I ate most of them during the drive home. We did save a few for the men and children.

Sunday evening Sister and I went out to see a movie. The guys stayed home and watched a race on TV and cared for the kids. We drove back Monday. It wasn't such a smooth trip. Baby was fussy. But we made it.

Today is my last day off. I start my new job tomorrow. I'm a bit anxious. Change does that to me. I decided to really concentrate on ME today. I did a tiny bit of unpacking and have put laundry in. But it's not folded. I used a gift card I had been given and treated myself to a massage. Then drove through the coffee store for a fruit smoothie. Onto get a hair trim. Then colored my hair at home. Now I'm sitting on the coach in sweats, watching daytime TV and munching. I'll nap in a bit. This is the life. Maybe someday I'll win the lottery and do this everyday.

Adios!

As of 3:30 today, I am unemployed.....for a week anyway. It's the first time I've been unemployed in as long as I can remember - probably 18 years.

Tonight/tomorrow at about 2 am, or whenever Baby wakes for his second feeding (watch - tonight he'll sleep through!), we will hit the road for my sisters. This is the first time in 8 years that I will not have to call and check in with an office or check email while gone. I don't know what to do with myself.

If I had any second thoughts, they have been assuaged these past few weeks. I have had judges, District Attorneys and other government employees come up to me and tell me I'll not regret this move at all. Several attorneys in private practice have commended me for jumping ship. Today an attorney who had been in private practice and government legal work told me that, "despite the pay decrease, I'd be happy for making the switch." Hmm.....imagine his surprise if he knew I'm getting a pay increase. A rather nice one.

Last week with Daughter being sick, I realized just how nice it will be at the new job to have sick days. Not to feel like I have to be in the office or producing things from home. Not to recalculate in my head how many hours I will have to work the next week to make up for lost time.

Today I saw one of my soon-to-be-new-coworkers in court. They were doing the hearings that I'll be doing soon. She remarked that the docket was short and she'd be done soon. I asked what she did then? She said, "go home." She said that her daughter had a valentine's party at school and she was headed there. Wow! To think I'll soon have that liberty.

I will miss the people here. I'll miss the laughs. I'll miss my assistant a WHOLE lot (but I'm keeping my eyes open for a position for her with me). I'll miss the challenges. I'll miss working with clients. But I won't miss the headaches. Or the phone calls at home after hours (which I got several of last week).

If you can't find me for the next few days, I'm relaxing!! And so I'll leave you with this - a song which my asst has ordered me to play when I walk out the door today -

Clingers, Non-Bother Botherers, & Enablers

Clinger - a person who latches on to others; a needy person; dependent on others for self-worth;

Non-bother Botherer - a person who is so afraid of bothering someone that they bother you about not bothering you.


Enabler - a "fix it" type person; wanting to help everyone - often to avoid fixing themselves.

I think survivors tend to fall into one of the above categories. You have the Clingers - they leach onto other survivors for validation of every single little thing they think, say or do. They fart and they want to make sure they're "okay." They have no worth aside from what they get from other people. Frequently their lives are full of drama. They have all these issues and problems so that you can't gain some space - because they need you. Often they float from one person to the next, clinging for all they are worth until they are cast aside, then onto another.

You also have the Non-Bother Botherers (NBBs). These are people that are paranoid of bothering people. They think that breathing is a burden on the world as a whole. They call you and spend twenty minutes apologizing because they are taking up your time or might possibly be interrupting you. Every sentence starts with, "well I don't want to bother you...." In their effort not to bother you, they end up bothering you. You spend half your time reassuring them that they are not a bother.

Enablers tend to attract clingers and NBBs. They get sucked into the cycle of fixing the clingers, helping them out and refusing to cast them off. Guilt consumes them if they loosen the binds at all. Enablers spend endless hours reassuring NBBs that it is okay and it's not a bother. They patiently and repeatedly contact the NBB to make sure all is well, because they know the NBB won't contact them. Guilt invades if they do not make this contact.

I have to take some responsibility for my magnetic attraction of clingers. I'm an Enabler. I'm a "fixer" by nature. Ironically, I really get irked when I'm venting and people try to fix me. Sometimes (most times) I really just want someone to listen. I also get annoyed when I have to constantly reassure someone that they are not bothering me. It gives me a complex that maybe I come off harsh or abrasive and so they really do think they are a bother - when truly it is their own issue.

Recently I've had both a Clinger and a NBB in my life. (and no it is not anyone reading here!) Unfortunately it is the same person. I've never seen such a combo. On message boards, she posts these long events of her life, asks for advice, then lists reasons why it won't work, or she can't do that. Or she leaches onto one piece of advice and stalkers the author to "tell me just one more thing about how to do that." If she doesn't get the response she wants, she huffs and flounces off. She posts all the time looking for reassurance that someone is reading. She posts half the information and just sits back waiting for someone to ask questions or beg for more information. Her life is one drama incident after another.

I've tried not responding. Then I get emails, "have I made you mad?" or "I'm sorry I'm such a pain and a bother. I won't email you anymore." What am I to do but email her back and reassure her that it is all okay?

Recently this person has joined a group that I'm a part of. She's done this before. Joined and then left. It's a good group for her to be a part of. Great role models. But...she joins, sucks people in about how terrible her life is, and gets everyone to feel sorry for her. Then the group comes to me and says "we want to help." I get sucked into organizing it. Then the person gets the help and leaves. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Not this time. I got a call from a group member, "I just heard that Person's house got repossessed and they are out of a job. Blah blah. We should take up a collection." I tried not to be harsh. But this has to stop. Several of us gave her advice. Tried to help her manage her finances. Tried to save her house. Have given her countless leads on jobs. Have offered to babysit so she can interview. Have given her interview clothes. Have helped with her resume. Have given her budget saving tips. Have given her food and hand-me-downs. Does she listen? Nope. She sits at home with her deluxe package cable television, texting on her handheld blackberry while eating bon-bons.

She's a survivor. I try to have sympathy for her. I try to help her out of the tough spot she is in. But I'm getting sucked into the hole too. So it's time to let this Clingy NBB go and quit being an enabler. Wish me luck.

DISCLAIMER - I have had TWO people contact me convinced it was them I was talking about. I assure you it is not. This person is a compilation of two (well maybe 3) different people in my life. None of them read here. So I promise if you are reading this I am not talking about you!!!! One of these people (N) I could care less if they thought it was them. I hadn't heard from them in months until they emailed me today convinced I was writing about them. Why would I write about her now? The other (J) I consider a good friend and I'm very sad that she thought it was her.

Random Stuff

1. Daughter has the flu. She is now feeling well enough to want to run around and play, but then gets tired and cranky. Well enough that she doesn't want to nap, but cranky enough that she needs it. It's been a LONG day.
2. It was a long night. Daughter was up several times, as was Baby. At 4 am, I'd nursed Baby 3x and had finally let him sleep on me for the last 3 hours. He fussed again and Hubby says, "I need to go to the couch. I can't do this getting up all the time." That prompted a "not so nice" response from me. One night and he can't handle it? Welcome to my 7-days a week world.
3. Hubby stayed up way too late watching racing. Drank too much caffeine and was awake even later (probably prompting #2 above). Apparently he was flipping channels too. He asked me this morning to cancel our expanded cable because there are too many "temptations" out there. While I'm glad he is humble and honest enough to make this request, it is a bit annoying that he won't do it himself.
4. It is in the high 60s today - may even reach 71 degrees. I opened up the house. It feels wonderful. I have re-Lysol-ed every surface and re-washed all the linens, towels, blankets, etc. I hope I've eradicated all the sick germies.
5. Husband says he isn't feeling great. Neither am I. Mine is lack of sleep and too much stress. His is probably being cooped up in the house and the fact that he wants to run around barefoot and in shorts and a T-shirt. It's not that warm.
6. My mother responded to my note about the flu with an email that said "be sure to keep us updated." That prompted a panic attack because I assumed she meant she and Toilet. Then I realized she had hit "reply all" and was emailing both Sister and I. So giving her the benefit of the doubt, she probably meant us as in Sister and I.
7. Baby has had a 4 day virus over October (hospitalized), RSV and all sorts of stomach issues. Daughter has had a cold, and now the flu. Hubby has had a nasty cold. I think we are due for a break. If we have to cancel another trip to Sister's due to illness, I'll be mad.
8. Why can't baby nap more than 30 minutes? I need to nap too, but by the time I get done fixing lunch, he is awake.
9. I really really hope Daughter can go back to school tomorrow. I can't take another day at home with her whiny-ness. Five days of being patient with a sick pre-schooler is enough.
10. I hear hubby doing the dishes. Finally - I've cleaned and re-cleaned this house multiple times over this weekend. I'm glad he is finally helping out. And he just promised Daughter he'd watch a movie with her. Woo-hoo. I can't possible stomach Dora Snow Princess again. Now if I let baby nap on me.....maybe I can doze too.

A Letter to Herself

Go read this post by Nancy at Heal and Forgive. I found myself nodding and laughing and crying.

Sometimes the Past pops up in odd places - flu bug

The flu bug has hit our house. My daughter has had an upset tummy off and on since Tuesday. She's been coughing and had a runny nose despite an antibiotic. She's just been down and out - not eating, sleeping a lot and saying she doesn't feel good. Last night she spiked a pretty high fever. Still had it this morning so I took her back to the doctor. Despite all of us except the baby having the flu shot, she has ....you guessed it....the flu. Apparently this strain wasn't covered by the shot.

I asked about Tamiflu and it is too late for her. The pediatrician said Husband and I could call our doctors about it. It can be preventative if taken early. But she told me there were some psychiatric side-effects. I looked it up when I got home and this is the warning with it -

Some instances of self–injury and delirium with the use of TAMIFLU in patients with the flu have been reported

Well......guess I won't be taking it. It's also not recommended for nursing moms. So we'll just hope and pray no one else gets it. I've spent the day Lysol-ing the house, washing every possible surface and item. We've got Daughter quarantined in her bedroom with the DVD player and lots of covers and fun stuff.

It's funny how mental health issues can pop up in the strangest places. My Sister was just diagnosed with gastroparesis and can't take the medication normally prescribed because the side effects are anxiety and depression. With her mental health history the doctor said it wasn't a good idea.

A year or so ago, this would have made me furiously mad. I would have gone off on a tirade about how Toilet stole everything and now I couldn't even take certain medications. Now, I just quirk my mouth in an ironic smile and shake my head. It's annoying. But that's all. I think maybe, that's healing?

Don't Call the Psychiatrist Yet - I want to Kill Myself Too

A poem

Read this Here - it is profound. By Little Sheep. There are a lot more on her site too.

i want to kill myself.
but don't call the psychiatrist yet.
today, i want to kill the part of me that is stubborn, refusing the help i need.
instead, i want to replace it with a new stubbornness-refusing to give up on myself.
today, i want to kill the part of me that is hurting myself, using every method it can.
instead, i want to replace it with a nurturing part-to take care of me, and give me the love i deserve.
today, i want to kill the pessimist inside of me,instead, i want to replace it with the optomist i can be.
today, i want to kill the part of me that is pushing you away,instead, i want to replace it with the part that is begging for a hug.
today, i want to kill the part of me that won't,
instead, i want to replace it with a part that will.
today is almost over, but maybe...maybe tomorrow, i will.

i want to kill myself.
but don't call the psychiatrist yet.

Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse - Feb edition

The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse is up here. Be sure to check it out. Nancy Richards at Heal and Forgive is this edition's host.

Raising a Son - a New Perspective

I have five years of raising a daughter under my belt. I've learned to look at things from the perspective of a mother raising a little girl.

When I read my daughter books, I talk to her about the roles of the females in the story. When we watch TV, we talk about the same thing. I've told my daughter she can be anything she wants when she grows up. I've told her that she needs to go to college and take advantage of all the educational opportunities she can. I've told her that raising children and being a mom and wife is an excellent calling. We pray at night that she will follow God's leading in her occupation and in choosing the right husband.

I posted awhile back about the mis-perceptions people can get from romance novels and how I would not let my daughter read them. Now that my son is 4 months old, I find myself considering about what I want him to learn and the model I want him to follow.

I will not let my son read romance novels either - even if he were so inclined. Romance novels portray men as governed only by physical needs. And while I am sure their physical desire is high, it is by no means all-controlling. Too often the lead characters are "experienced" while the women are "innocent." The men are forceful, ignoring the woman's words because they think they can read her signals and know what she really wants.

This week I received a Victoria's Secret catalog in the mail. I thought I had taken myself off that mailing list. My husband had asked me previously to throw them out and not to subscribe to those types of catalogs. He told me that he finds it difficult to avoid picking them up and looking at them - to him those pictures are just as bad as pornography. I'm grateful for his restraint and will make sure my son knows why we don't look at those sorts of things.

I will teach my son that women don't want "experienced" men - they want Godly men. Woman are perfectly capable of telling men what they want, and men need to respect female boundaries. Men should have boundaries of their own. I want my son to be strong, but not to be afraid to show his emotions and sensitive side. I want him to be a provider, but not to think that a person's worth is tied up in how much money they earn. I want him to be a supportive husband and father, but not to be afraid to lean on others at times. I want him to take care of his physical body and to value healthy lifestyles, but not to think that looks are the only thing to consider.

I've been watching movies from a female perspective, and from a perspective of what lessons they might teach my daughter. It's time to consider what they might teach my son, as well. It's a whole new viewpoint.

Exhausted - 'Nough Said

(yawn) I stayed up too late watching my team lose. 'Nough said.

Ate too much food. But that's okay, all the rest of the gals in my "healthier bodies in 2009" group were all at my Super Bowl party too. And we all ate too much. Weigh-ins were this morning. 'Nough Said.

Without discussing it, everyone decided to bring spicy food. Blazing hot wings, pizza, mexican salsa, chili, enchiladas and pizza pockets. My mouth was on fire. 'Nough said.

Baby didn't much like the after-effects of the spicy food. Guess spicy breastmilk isn't a good thing. It was a long night. 'Nough said.

My daughter stayed up until 10pm - 2 hours past her bedtime. She wasn't too happy this morning. 'Nough said.

I saw two movies this weekend. New in Town and Hotel for Dogs. Both were great. I ordered a large popcorn each time. I ate it all. 'Nough said.

The men were in charge of the cameras at the Father-Daughter dance. Two of them forgot the cameras in the car (mine included). The others collaborated on taking pictures. I just received an email with 58 photos - half are "staged" with people picking noses, acting silly and other random shots. 'Nough said.

I need caffeine. It's only 2:52 pm.

'Nough said.