Wednesday, January 27, 2010

60 Minutes

Well there is 60 of the most frustrating minutes of my life. I want to scream, cry and stomp my feet. I settled for blaring the horn at the idiotic driver in front of me as I drove back to work.

DH (not so "dear" husband at the moment) and I had a joint counseling session today. Part of our homework for the Bible marriage study we are doing at church was to ask your spouse for 3 things they don't particularly like about you/what you do. So I suggested combining the counseling session with the homework. I asked DH to write down the issues he saw with our marriage. I would do the same. When we met for the appointment, we shared notes in the lobby.

I suspected, and was correct, that the assignment would reveal lots. DH wrote down two items - (1) hunting; (2) when I (Enola) amplify problems. My list was much more extensive and in-depth. As I wrote before, DH sees the trees and I see the forest. My main issues were (1) priorities and selfishness; (2) boundaries and trust; and (3) being content when there are differences of opinion.

DH had conveniently forgot (again) that a huge issue is the fact that he will promise me something and then break that promise if it means having to stand up to someone else. He forgot to mention it at his last individual T session; he forgot to list it; he forgot to bring it up. I think he wishes this issue would shrivel up and die.

When we walked into the session, DH said he thought things had gotten better and we were doing pretty good. Hello? Are we living in the same house? I told you to "Get Out" over the holidays. I discussed separation. Have you forgotten? Yes my attitude is calmer and more upbeat. Hunting season is over so you are slightly less selfish. I made a commitment to stop fighting in front of the children. And I'm tired of having the same arguments over and over - so I quit. I can not (and I have repeatedly tried) make you understand. You don't get it - whether that is because you do not want to or are incapable - I don't know which. So I pressed "pause" until we could get a T appointment and tackle these things there. That does not mean I am happy or that things are better. It means a band-aid has stopped the bleeding. We still need to treat the wound.

So what does Dh do? Focus on hunting - why, what you get out of it, how often you should do it. WE HAVE BEEN OVER THIS A MILLION TIMES!!!!! It is not about hunting. It is about your attitude. It is about your infatuation with something that takes you away from family and family obligations. It is about all of your time, talent and efforts going into hunting. It is about this thing that consumes your every waking moment, every conversation, and defines your happiness. Until you get a deer, you pout. If you would simply schedule a hunting trip, go, and come back happy, life would be grand. Hunting is like a drug to you - you are on a high, needing your next fix and miserable when coming down off a bad trip.

DH would not SHUT UP. I swear I could have fallen asleep and he would have kept talking. He went on and on about this uncle and that uncle and this event and that. It really doesn't matter whether you were 10 or 12 when you first went squirrel hunting, but maybe 16 for deer hunting and blah blah blah. Again he gets so caught up in the details (trees) that he misses the big picture (forest). We did talk about how my family put their hobbies ahead of me and how that plays into my reaction to his hunting. DH nods - okay there is the "answer" to MY problem. What will he do with that? NOTHING - because he does not know how to get to that step.

We made another appointment for 2 weeks. I think I'll have to be less nice and polite. I just might have to do less resisting of the urge to kick him and let lose with a big whack and a "shut the hell up and stop rambling already." I might have to call his bluff on "forgetting" about the trust/promises issue. I might have to cut out the nice language and lay it on the line. Feelings might get hurt. My inner bitch might have to come out for awhile..............or I might just retreat and do/say nothing and live in misery longer (yes, that is my issue).


beautifuldreamer said...

I once had a hubby who, like your DH, would promise me things then back down if his family disapproved, or wanted him to do something different. I remember how unimportant, or non-existent even, it made me feel.

My hubby couldn't bear to let down his family, but he could bear to let me down time and again. He was very childish, and determined to have his own way in everything.

I hope that through counseling you can get through to DH, break down this "wall of hunting" so to speak, behind which he hides.

lawyerchik said...

Ouch. As I read this, my first thought was, "I hope that Enola's head did not explode...." Second one was, "yikes."

Not having a DH of my own, I don't know that I know or could say anything that might help you. I do have hugs, though. [[[[HUGS]]]] Hang in there!!

Lynx217 said...

You really should let that "inner bitch" come out. He needs to see it - as does the T. It needs to happen, and sooner rather than later. Perhaps if a T can see he's missing the point, maybe they can drive it through his thick skull. T is about letting ALL your emotions out so they can be dealt with. It's time all the issues get laid at his feet and make him address them. That's just my opinion though.

Marj aka Thriver said...

That happens to be one of my hugest pet peeves: when someone promises me something and then doesn't follow through. I'd rather not have the promise in the first place.

I commend you, Enola, for doing this hard work. I'm sorry--I didn't know that separation had been mentioned. I have a question though. Did the counselor just let your hubby keep on rambling? The therapist could jump in an move things along and keep things on point, too, ya know? I hope you feel like this person is an ally.

Anonymous said...

I'm hoping @ the next meeting you DO speak up.- even if you have to interrupt him, cause it sounds like you gave him the floor most of this last meeting- now it's time to hear from your you. You can speak the truth in love and yes, while it may hurt DH's feelings on the short term, long term, both of you will be glad you did.

"blows that wound cleanse away evil"
As I read this blog post I thought to myself, this makes lots of sense to me- so you need to say it - just like you did here. The other option (stuffing it) lets him off the hook and you carrying a butt load of inner turmoil and that just isn't right.
We'll be praying