Sunday, January 31, 2010

Locked Doors

DH and I have continued to fight. I think he continues to miss the point -- he is still stuck on hunting (how often) and tobacco (yes or no) and not on his role in this marriage.

We are trying to get Bugaboo to sleep better. Goal 1 - get him to go all night without a nursing session or bottle. Goal 2 - get him to sleep in his crib. Goal 3 - get him to sleep all night without waking. I thought DH might do this in his four months out of work. But he didn't. It came to an awful head last night at 3 am.

DH wrote me this letter and slid it under my door -
I couldn't sleep after our fight. I shouldn't have tried to give Bugaboo a bottle. It just seemed like it wasn't working as far as him sleeping. I should have asked before I let him see it. I guess I was a little aggravated because you had given him to me screaming and he got worse after he saw you leave the room……as far as the other things I said, I shouldn’t have brought it up in the middle of the night. I feel like everything I’ve done since I lost my job has been less than par…I’m sorry for yelling at you last night. I was angry and I shouldn’t have been.

My response -
I do not expect you to be perfect. I do expect you to try. When you lost your job we both talked about how you would be able to work on getting Bugaboo to sleep through the night….Four months later I am not seeing any effort on your part We decided earlier last week to really try. Your first night and you gave him a bottle. I read the book and reviewed it with you. Despite working, I took the first several nights. While he is not sleeping through the night, he is making progress. Last night you took him and within 5 minutes you were giving him a bottle – undoing nights of work. I do not expect perfection, but 5 minutes is hardly trying.
The reason I took over night shifts lately has less to do with your effort than your attitude. You get extremely frustrated when things don’t go well. It makes me very anxious when you start yelling and cursing. Last night you followed me all over the house yelling. Even when I went in the bedroom and slammed the door, you came in – then stood there with arms crossed yelling. I went into Bugaboo’s room to change his diaper and shut the door. You followed me – opened the door, and stood blocking the doorway with your arms crossed. You said you were not leaving even when I told you to Get Out! You said you would stand there all night. I felt trapped and scared. I was able to get to the bedroom and shut the door and lock you out – then laid there wondering if you’d pick the lock or break the door. I will not go through that again. There are not second chances on this. Do Not try to intimidate me or refuse to let me get away.
I am not expecting you to change overnight. I am expecting effort. You haven’t even raised the issues in counseling so I see no effort. I’m tired of being the one subject to your cursing and yelling, your inability to say “no”, last choice when you have “free time” and last choice in everything.

This morning he did apologize for yelling and blocking me in - after he read my note.

Last night scared me - not sure how much is normal fear and how much is childhood-issue fear. But I do not intend to be put in that situation again to find out.


Anonymous said...


Lynx217 said...

Well first of all I second the hugs to you.
Secondly, it's a natural reaction. Or maybe I too just can't take being trapped because of a fear of what could happen. Either way, he should know better by now and to do so is irresponsible at best, criminal at worse. In some areas, just preventing someone from leaving a room, even if not forcibly held, is grounds for kidnapping. That's not the point though. The point is, it's time his feet are held to the flame. I know I wouldn't take it from my man, though I love him to pieces and then some. Your husband should NEVER make you feel unsafe. It's his job as the man of the house to keep his family safe. If I were you I'd bring up all the isses at your next therapy session in front of him, and every time he starts to speak tell him to shut the **** up and let you speak for once. You really need to get these issues out in the air when it's not just him and you. Make him answer for them. I wouldn't hold out too much hope though. Please, stay strong through this and don't let him drag you down - physically or emotionally. Luv ya chickie!!

Rising Rainbow said...

I'm sorry that you're going through this right now. I know how difficult it can be when a man is out of work. The strain on the relationship is horrible.

Hang in there and know you're not alone.

As for the fear, it probably is a combination. It's hard to sort that old childhood stuff out from what's happening now especially when things are already strained with the added stress of a man with no job.

There will be an end to this stress. There always is. Believing it will help ease some of it now.

Thinking of you.

Kahless said...

Thinking of you too.