Thursday, January 14, 2010

Seeing the Forest for the Trees

After our horrible fights over Christmas break, Husband and I have been getting along a bit better. I think it has some to do with our sleeping a tiny bit better, Husband picking up some odd-job hours working with a friend, the kids being back at school/daycare and me being back at work. I've also just decided that I need to quit engaging in the same fights over and over. Rather I am waiting for our joint counseling session to hash things out. And a huge help is that HUNTING SEASON IS OVER. Yeah! I survived yet another season.
So I had my individual Therapy session last week. Husband had his yesterday. He came home and told me that he did set up a joint session. He and his T discussed hunting. No mention of the issues with boundaries, choices or his parents. He "forgot" about those.
Forgot, my foot? That's a convenient way of avoiding discussing that issue. But fine, if he would rather discuss it in a group setting first, I can go along with that.
If Husband is asked why we are appearing in a group session, he will say (1) hunting and (2) his parents. Those are the big trees in our way. But he is missing the forest. The real issue is not hunting or his parents. It is (1) time management and priorities and (2) boundaries and choices.
It's not about his hunting. It is about his putting all of his time, talent and effort into hunting. The fact that he puts all of his time and energy into hunting. When asked why he doesn't put as much effort into family activities, he makes excuses.
It's not about his parents and whether or not his brother is allowed to chew tobacco in the house. It is about the fact that he and I made a joint decision to have a no tobacco policy, but when it came time to enforcing it, he just couldn't confront his parents. He (once again) chose to keep the peace with parents over sticking to a decision he and I made jointly.
Husband said last night he thought things were going very well lately. I informed him that the problems and issues were still there, the feelings were still there and my lack of a pissy attitude was due to a committment to try to make a happier environment for the kids. In other words, we still have work to do. And you, dear husband, need to start timbering some trees out of your way so you can see the forest.


jumpinginpuddles said...

interesting isnt it i used to say to my ex that if he put as much effort in owrk as he did his family life may have ended up so differently for both of us.

at least you guys are doing what he wouldnt and thats seeking help throguh therapy

mssc54 said...

Wow Enola, my Mrs. could have written this hunting stuff several years ago. The thing is that I am good at it and I was just looking for the affirmations from other men. I needed my ego fed and it got fed every time I killed one. How sad and immature (not that I'm at all perfect now).

The zero tollerance thing about tobacco... It really sounds like you made the agreement and hubby agreed to not fight about it. Perhaps, on those tobacco occassions, you can explain to your children that Uncle Cancer of the Tongue is really a drug addict.