So I met with T last night. I knew she was the right person to talk too. She knows me very well and has this uncanny ability to tell me straight without making it harsh. She can be honest and direct but loving. She totally acknowledged my frustration.
She told me that she sees some Asperger-type traits in DH (which if there is some genetic link to autism traits would make sense since his brother is autistic). She said she isn't sure DH is capable of "getting it" because he is so super concrete but we are going to try.
She said that the Love Dare may not be a great fit for me. But that I should do it as best as I can. She thinks it is great for DH though. Basically it is a specific set of tasks he does - like "say something kind" or "consider how you greet your spouse in the morning and make it nice" or so on. She said he needs specifics and concrete tasks.
She also suggested we write down agreements and post them. That I make lists of the routine we will follow for Bugaboo and put them on the fridge. She said I shouldn't have to do these things and that yes it can be frustrating. But if DH's can't get beyond the concrete details, putting it in writing will help. He can go to the list without having to come and bug me and re-debate everything.
I guess I need to look at this as "his" thing - I'm quirky too with what triggers me. Some of which others might consider bizarre or strange. So I'll try to write things down and trust that counseling will help us work through some of the rest.
We talked about the incident Saturday night and my fear. She told me that if DH gets like he did on Saturday night then I am right in needing to leave or lock myself in the room again. And if he picks the lock or breaks it down, to call the police. She said that I really don't have Biblical grounds for separation or divorce although Saturday night comes close.
It was helpful to vent to someone who understands my frustration. And that has spent time with both DH and I and knows us pretty well.
I tried to talk a bit with DH last night. Mostly about the fact that I needed to clarify when I discussed separation with him I was more meaning time apart - not legal separation. And that I needed space in the moment and he had to give it to me. We talked some about Saturday night and I told him that I would call law enforcement if it progressed. He is in total denial about the matter and blames it on being "half-asleep."
So I'm the picture on the left, trying hard not to keep putting up bricks in my wall to keep myself sane and protected. And DH is the picture on the left, living in the land of Denial, convinced that if we can just solve this short-term concrete issue we'll be fine.