Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Another Brick in the Land of Denial




So I met with T last night. I knew she was the right person to talk too. She knows me very well and has this uncanny ability to tell me straight without making it harsh. She can be honest and direct but loving. She totally acknowledged my frustration.
She told me that she sees some Asperger-type traits in DH (which if there is some genetic link to autism traits would make sense since his brother is autistic). She said she isn't sure DH is capable of "getting it" because he is so super concrete but we are going to try.

She said that the Love Dare may not be a great fit for me. But that I should do it as best as I can. She thinks it is great for DH though. Basically it is a specific set of tasks he does - like "say something kind" or "consider how you greet your spouse in the morning and make it nice" or so on. She said he needs specifics and concrete tasks.

She also suggested we write down agreements and post them. That I make lists of the routine we will follow for Bugaboo and put them on the fridge. She said I shouldn't have to do these things and that yes it can be frustrating. But if DH's can't get beyond the concrete details, putting it in writing will help. He can go to the list without having to come and bug me and re-debate everything.

I guess I need to look at this as "his" thing - I'm quirky too with what triggers me. Some of which others might consider bizarre or strange. So I'll try to write things down and trust that counseling will help us work through some of the rest.
We talked about the incident Saturday night and my fear. She told me that if DH gets like he did on Saturday night then I am right in needing to leave or lock myself in the room again. And if he picks the lock or breaks it down, to call the police. She said that I really don't have Biblical grounds for separation or divorce although Saturday night comes close.
It was helpful to vent to someone who understands my frustration. And that has spent time with both DH and I and knows us pretty well.
I tried to talk a bit with DH last night. Mostly about the fact that I needed to clarify when I discussed separation with him I was more meaning time apart - not legal separation. And that I needed space in the moment and he had to give it to me. We talked some about Saturday night and I told him that I would call law enforcement if it progressed. He is in total denial about the matter and blames it on being "half-asleep."
So I'm the picture on the left, trying hard not to keep putting up bricks in my wall to keep myself sane and protected. And DH is the picture on the left, living in the land of Denial, convinced that if we can just solve this short-term concrete issue we'll be fine.

8 comments:

Kahless said...

I love the pictures.

I think you are putting a lot of thought into this and heading in the right direction...


{{{{{Enola}}}}}

prochaskas said...

I like the idea of respecting that the need for concrete stuff might be his "thing." Without just giving up on your needs.

hearttoheart said...

I appreciate the fact your therapist "hears" you and doesn't minimialize things- ie. even though she is a believer, she encouraged you to call the cops next time-might take something that drastic to get his attention,and I don't buy the 1/2 a sleep story.

mssc54 said...

"She said that I really don't have Biblical grounds for separation or divorce although Saturday night comes close."

The ONLY (qualified) reason I see in Holy Scripture for divorce is adultry. It's possible I've missed something.

Many people have said various types of abuse are grounds but I don't see that in the Bible. Seperation, certainly. In fact if you read through the Book of Proverbs you will see in two (I think) references of "seperation" (ie living in the desert or on the corner of a roof).

I admire your ability to conciously and purpously address the various issues in your life!

beautifuldreamer said...

I like that you were willing to listen to your T's suggestions, and consider that you hubby has different needs than you when addressing these issues.

Enola said...

Mssc - yeah I think abuse definitely calls for separation. My sentence wasn't worded clearly with the disjunctive "or" - I think adultery is the only clearly delineated ground for divorce. But I'm certainly not judging people who get divorced for other serious grounds. I like to believe that God would be okay with divorce in abusive situations too - especially with the legal implications of separation versus divorce.

cornnut32 said...

i hope things get better for you. marriage struggles are so difficult. i'm kind of in a similar place now...it's hard.

i tagged you on my blog if you want to play along.
http://pictureofexperience.blogspot.com/2010/02/survivor-meme.html

April_optimist said...

Many people have speculated that my ex-husband may have asperger's. I think I chose him precisely because he wouldn't be able to see too deeply into my soul and at the time I hated myself so much I was terrified that anyone might.

It's not easy living with someone who doesn't "get" it. ((((((Hugs))))))