Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Panicky before Meeting


I've got butterflies in my tummy. I've been working on court orders for a few days, which involves reading a lot of reports. I realized that if someone else had told me about an incident similar to my post here, that I would caution them to be careful.


I know some of my feelings and turmoil relates back to the times of locking myself in my room as a child, and seeing my mom and dad slam doors to keep the other out. I do not think my Husband will ever do that. I know it is not to that level yet. However, I am also cognizant of the fact that every person who has ever lashed out in anger starts somewhere, whether it be by cursing, following, intimidation or name calling. I also recognize that while my alarm bells are triggered often, I am quite capable of telling the difference between panic and fear. It was fear I felt the other evening.

The fact that Husband is so dismissive of his actions raises the alarm bells a bit. But I'll reserve judgment on that until after our group session.

I started to think that a session just for me would be good in helping me to gain some objectivity on things before our group session. So I called yesterday and got no answer. Re-called today and got in today. After the appointment was made, I started feeling butterflies in my stomach and the unmistakable signs of a panic attack. I haven't had a panic attack before a counseling session in a long time - a year or more. Which tells me that I'm onto something big here and I need to muster up the energy and strength to go in and face this issue head on.

Part of me hopes my concerns and thoughts are validated. But a large part of me hopes that T will (nicely) tell me I'm overreacting. I'll keep you posted.

2 comments:

mssc54 said...

"I know some of my feelings and turmoil relates back to the times of locking myself in my room as a child, and seeing my mom and dad slam doors to keep the other out."

Gosh, is it ever possible to NOT view things through the paradigms of our past? Surely with help and hard work we may be able to minimize that but completely? That would an awesome place to hale from.

Kahless said...

You are a brave and courageous person Enola.