I've got butterflies in my tummy. I've been working on court orders for a few days, which involves reading a lot of reports. I realized that if someone else had told me about an incident similar to my post here, that I would caution them to be careful.
I know some of my feelings and turmoil relates back to the times of locking myself in my room as a child, and seeing my mom and dad slam doors to keep the other out. I do not think my Husband will ever do that. I know it is not to that level yet. However, I am also cognizant of the fact that every person who has ever lashed out in anger starts somewhere, whether it be by cursing, following, intimidation or name calling. I also recognize that while my alarm bells are triggered often, I am quite capable of telling the difference between panic and fear. It was fear I felt the other evening.
The fact that Husband is so dismissive of his actions raises the alarm bells a bit. But I'll reserve judgment on that until after our group session.
I started to think that a session just for me would be good in helping me to gain some objectivity on things before our group session. So I called yesterday and got no answer. Re-called today and got in today. After the appointment was made, I started feeling butterflies in my stomach and the unmistakable signs of a panic attack. I haven't had a panic attack before a counseling session in a long time - a year or more. Which tells me that I'm onto something big here and I need to muster up the energy and strength to go in and face this issue head on.
Part of me hopes my concerns and thoughts are validated. But a large part of me hopes that T will (nicely) tell me I'm overreacting. I'll keep you posted.