As I wrote about in my last post, I'm having lots of trouble with flashbacks and the interplay between this situation and my childhood. It causes me not to know how to act or what to do.
I went to T wanting some answers to questions. Should I block the internet entirely? Should I monitor his computer use? What happens when he says that my refusing to help means a delay in receiving his unemployment check? What do I need to get rid of in the house? What temptations might there be that I am not considering? Do I check his email and print it out? What if a job prospect contacts him?
Then the more nitty-gritty - if my failure to have sex often enough has contributed to his looking at junk, what effect will my refusal to have sex with him at all right now, do? If he is drawn toward junk depicting women and men having sex and the woman enjoying it, then what happens if we sleep together again? Do I take acting lessons so I portray enough enjoyment? What is enough?
How much reassurance must I give him and what happens when his needs and my needs collide?
T told me to slow down. I can't look for solutions now and have to settle for not having all the answers. I got into the "Fix It" mode. And not just fix it, but fix it NOW! I can not clean the house good enough to get rid of all temptations. I can not take a pill which teaches me to act good enough to satisfy him.
T also said something interesting - that any solution now is going to itself, appear pornographic. If I try to fix Husband's feeling deprived of sex, then that is going to feel degrading to me and as if I'm operating as a sex slave. If I try to dress more provocatively to keep Husband's attention on me, that will feel slutty. If I force myself to sit down beside him and monitor his computer usage, that makes me some kind of servant or hall monitor to him.
This is his battle to fight. I need to resist the urge to fix it, fix him or fix me. Not to say changes don't need to be made. But they need to be made deliberately and without rushing in. Which is a temptation I struggle with.
In the meantime I'm trying to stay busy. To not obsess over reading all the "Helping your Man with his Addiction" books out there. To avoid all the internet articles. To just "be" and let things happen in their course. It's a long road ahead.