Sunday, March 7, 2010

Time Travel -- Going Swirly

My brain isn't working right. All swirly.

Husband says he looks at people having sex because he likes to see the women enjoying themselves. He doesn't think I do.

Toilet says, "Look I'm the adult, but you wanted it. You enjoyed it."

He says he told me we should have gotten rid of Cinemax sooner.

Is this movie okay to watch? It's rated PG. Oh no there is a girl and guy kissing - oh no they are in bed. Should I go to my room? I'd have to walk by him. I know what he is doing in the chair behind me.

He says he only thinks of me.

He says he only thinks of me.

He says all men do it.

Toilet says I'm a prude. Everyone does it.

He says I should let him use the computer to fill out his weekly unemployment certification. I can turn it on, set it up, watch him - monitor him. Otherwise I'm being mean. Don't I want things to go smoothly? Well...he could go to the library but I napped all day. If it doesn't get done today, the check will be late - do I want that?

Don't fight. It makes your mom sad...Do this. It makes your mom happy. Then things are smooth. We get to do more. Don't you want to do fun things? Come take a ride with me. I'll buy you something. Your mom likes it when we get along. Don't you want her to be happy?

Husband flips the channel....says he'll be doing that a lot. Because now he can't watch some things....if I want him to get "better."

Well, I'd do that but I wouldn't want you to get upset ....since you are overly sensitive you know.

Don't tell anyone. How dare you call them? How can I look at them again? I can't believe you told. Do you want me to step down as a church leader?

Don't tell anyone. You wouldn't want to have to move out, would you? Or him to go to jail and we lose our house.

You're going to have to work through this.

You need to get over this. Move on. Forget about it.

I know Husband does not equal Toilet but right now I'm having a really hard time separating the two.


Ethereal Highway said...

I don't think there is anything wrong with noticing the ways in which you feel similar now to how you felt then. If it feels similar in some ways, then it just does and it will only feed the confusion to pretend otherwise. All that would do is push it down into your unconscious where it can run your life for you. I'm pretty sure most women whose childhood homes were ruled by incest and who found themselves in your current situation would have a lot of these same thoughts and feelings. The difference is you are willing to look at the similarities and the differences instead of pretend that doing so is some sort of refusal to move on.

prochaskas said...

What you're feeling makes a lot of sense. Good for you for writing it out a little.

You already know that your behavior, in bed or otherwise, is no excuse for your husband to cheat in any way. Other men doing the same thing is also no excuse. And you also know that telling a few people who are important to you is well within your rights, and that you didn't tell in order to shame him, but in order to help you both.

While I'm sure that all men struggle with lust in one way or another, I don't believe that they all struggle with porn.

Lord, provide for this family.

beautifuldreamer said...

This was a really good post. I like how you are working through this by comparing how your hubby's behavior triggers those horrible memories with Toilet.

It sounds like your hubby is trying to make you responsible for his actions, and of course it's all on him. You know that, but it must be hard to separate what he's done (and the guilt he's putting on you) from Toilet's actions and words.

I would guess that as long as hubby blames any part of this on you, or anyone else, he won't get better. And as for you confiding in a few individuals, that's one of the consequences of his actions. You weren't meanly gossiping, you were reaching out for help and support.

lawyerchik said...

I don't know what to say, and I cannot imagine how you're coping, Enola, but I do have an answer to one of his questions: should he step down as a church leader? Yes. Absolutely. He shouldn't be in a position of leadership while this is still going on, and there should be men in the church who are willing to hold him (and themselves) accountable.

[BTW - how is it possible that NONE of this is his fault? Not logical..... both of them appear to have pushed all of the responsibility for their actions onto someone else - in this case, you.]

Hang in there. [[[[[HUGS]]]]]